March 2006 Political Gags

A government report says education staff are not doing enough to stop under-age drinking in schools. Education Minister Peter Peacock claimed he was not just having a go at Teachers but also Bells, Famous Grouse and Johnnie Walker.

Prince Charles has quit his position as head of the Boys Brigade. He explained that, after his accession to the throne, he did not want to be known as the new BB King.

Shamed ‘70’s rock star Gary Glitter is to undergo treatment for a groin tumour. He will begin a course of Interferon in a Thai hospital next week.

Celtic manager Gordon Strachan was relieved to hear that Roy Keane will be available next season following a hip injury scare. The influential midfielder will visit specialists in Colorado to undergo an intense course of Keanotherapy.

The Executive has announced new toll charges for the Forth Road bridge. The first half of the crossing will be charged at £5 and the rest will be free. Motorists on the Edinburgh side are said to be pleased with the new fare while on the Fife side sales of swimming trunks have rocketed.

Friends and colleagues of Roads Minister Tavish Scott have wished him well as he goes into hospital this week for a by-pass operation.

LALA, the League Against Long-winded Acronyms, today submitted a letter of complaint to the TV Watchdog Authority. A LALA spokesman said this followed the recent transmission of an MTV AC/DC DVD on BBC3.

Chefs at the Koh-I-Noor Restaurant in Port Ellen, Islay have created a new dish to reflect Indian and Scots tastes. The dish is called Chicken Bhunahavain.

Accusations of nepotism in Glasgow City Council have resurfaced. The spokeswoman for Council Leader Steven Purcell, Mrs. Mary Purcell, said the allegations were outrageous.

Ex-Hibernian star Gary O’Connor refused to train with his new Lokomotiv Moscow team-mates when he overheard they would be training at the Russian capital’s Gorgie Park.

Following the success of Brokeback Mountain, Hollywood is to produce a film about a sex-change, lesbian lorry driver. The lead role will be played by Dick Van Dyke.

The controversy surrounding the new Aberdeen ring-road eased today with a proposal to have part of the road on the beach at sea level. The RAC said the idea made sense but in bad weather drivers would have to learn to dip their headlights.

Relief for parents of Goths after a study revealed that their lugubrious offspring go on to become valued members of society such as church ministers, lawyers and dentists. The Goths have responded by forming a band called The Jesus and Gravy Train.

Fears that bird flu has crossed over to wild fish stocks were confirmed yesterday when a fisherman witnessed a salmon leap 20 feet in the air and shit on the windscreens of 4 parked cars by the River Tay.

In a unique equal opportunities programme Scotland’s neds are being given the chance to join an élite squadron of the Royal Air Force. On completion of training they will be known as the riff-RAF.

Its official! The British Medical Association has released a report which confirms that laughter is, indeed, the best medicine. The BMA report entitled “ A New Pay Structure for GPs and Consultants” was released last week.

The Executive has announced plans to merge the Territorial Army with the Tartan Army in order to create a squad of part-time supporters.

Scientists have confirmed that it is possible to fertilize a woman’s egg by passing a small electric current across it. This evidence was presented in a court case today to describe a policewoman who gave birth to triplets after accidentally tazering herself while on duty.

Hollywood has released a joint soundtrack CD from the films Brokeback Mountain and Walk the Line. The CD is to be called The Ring of fire.

In a survey this week, Politicians were asked to reveal their favourite holiday destinations. Tommy Sheridan voted for a getaway in Guantanamo, George Galloway went for a fortnight in Fallujah and Alex Salmond for a B&B in Banff. Glasgow City Council leader Steven Purcell was unavailable for comment but released a statement on a postcard from Melbourne saying ‘wish you were here’.

New Rangers manager Paul Le Guen has vowed to create a team that reflects the French nation. He is going to play 11 strikers.

The dire financial state of Scottish football was highlighted this week when Dundee FC were involved in a deal for the world’s first FairTrade footballer. The chairman of Addis Abbaba Athletic said that they were delighted to have signed Tam McManus for a fee in the region of 10 banyan and jar of Ethiopian coffee.

Following the success of Brokeback Mountain Hollywood is to make a film about 2 lesbian cowboys called Jessie James and Buffalo Jill.

A new Government initiative has been announced to help people with depression integrate into society by using pubs to provide Prozac on draft. A Care in the Community spokesperson said the idea was sound but that the drug should only be served during the Happy Hour.

Sir Paul McCartney is to sue the Canadian Government after he was assaulted at a demonstration to prevent a seal cull in Newfoundland. In a statement McCartney said he was beaten by 3 fishermen with clubs after he sang ‘I am the Walrus’.

A major drinks company is set to sponsor an Animal Rights Group in a protest against the seal cull in Newfoundland. A spokesman for Canadian Club said they were delighted to support the initiative.

April 2006 Political Gags

Arsène Wenger claims he will resist any interference in the Arsenal team selection from the club’s shirt sponsor O2. The mobile phone sponsor had insisted on a team formation of 1-1-8 in the first half and 1-1-8 in the second.

The Williamson family of Larkhall, who have been been visiting the same holiday Guest House for 25 years, have been given an award from the Mayor of Blackpool for being the most Loyal Orange Lodgers in the history of the town.

Cherie Blair claims she caused no offence to the Pope at their meeting last week when, mindful of recent Labour sex scandals, she refused to kiss his ring.

Following a weekend of violence in the West of Scotland the Executive will run a new advertising campaign to encourage civilian self-defence. The ad is to be called ‘You Can’t put a better bit of nutter on your Knife’.

A new satellite guidance system for cars with obese occupants has been released called the Tum Tum Fat-Nav.

Pope Benedict has announced controversial plans to promote the use of condoms. In a bid to appease conservative Catholics he will also change one of the ten commandments to read ‘Thou shalt not Pill’.

The Executive have been accused of over-reaction in the proposed junk food ban by telling schools to remove all Micro-Chips and Mega-Bytes from School computers.

In a bid to create a more fashionable uniform, the Army will now provide all new squaddies with Ben Sherman Tank Tops.

Transport minister Tavish Scott witnessed angry scenes this week following his decision on a new road plan for Aberdeen. Infuriated protestors were united in shouting that they would ‘never accept this Buchan By-Pass’.

A leaked document concerning the troubles in the Scottish Fingerprint Service has revealed evidence of a cover-up when one detective claimed he was encouraged to ‘lock up the evidence and throw away McKie’.

Following the ban, pubs are to distribute free Nicotine patches to help smokers quit the habit. A pub spokesman said that they were happy to be involved but that anyone abusing the system would be ejected if they became completely plastered.

Scientists have succeeded in creating the world’s smallest goat in the first ever application of nannytechnology.

Five Polish dentists have returned home following their failure to improve oral health in Fife. One of the dentists said that in all her professional life she had never seen such a disappointing state of cracked and rotten decay. A spokesman for Fife Council claimed, however, that improvements to Dunfermline town centre would take place as soon as possible.

The Executive have announced that hospital waiting times continue to fall. Health Minister Andy Kerr claimed that the waiting time to see a consultant for advice on abortion had now fallen to just 10 months.

Plans to reintroduce the wolf into Scotland were shelved yesterday when Hearts’ owner Vladimir Romanov announced they were 2 years too late.

Health chiefs are to issue a new emergency contraceptive pill designed for students who experience memory loss after binge-drink-sex. It is to be called the Morning-after-the-day-before-last-Thursday-or-maybe-it-was-Tuesday pill.

In a response to Sunday sailings in the Western Isles the Wee Free Church has commissioned the building of 4 new Roll-On-Bugger-Off ferries.

The Holyrood Roof Inquiry Committee was left in disarray this week when 5 of its members broke away, formed a splinter group and swung to the left.

There was chaos in the Lords this week during a debate about public toilet provision. Violence erupted when the Peers had extreme difficulty in passing a motion on the white paper following an all-night sitting.

The new chairman of the Student Loans Company, Greek business tycoon Stelios, says he has no plans to change the name of the company to Easy-Debt.

A contestant is to sue the producers of the TV makeover programme ‘Ten Years Younger’ after her employer told her she would now have to work until 75 to claim a full pension.

The CIA was accused this week of employing starvation and denial of water on torture flights from Scotland to Cuba. A CIA spokesman denied all knowledge of the flights and said it was more likely to be the new RyanAir service from Prestwick to Havana.

Following the smoking ban, the fireworks ban and the fox-hunting ban the Blair Government has announced its intention to go all out for the Taliban.

A motorist who changed his license plate to H5N1 FLU was charged this week for excess speeding. In court, the judge fined him £100, gave him 3 penalty points and ordered him to be kept indoors for 3-months as a precaution.

Tragedy at the Glasgow Art Fair this week when a 2-ton Sir Henry Moore sculpture toppled over and killed 3 visitors. A spokeswoman for the Fair passed on her condolences but said the accident was also a tremendous example of abstract compressionism.

Police have warned clubbers of the dangers of a new designer drug called FAB which is flooding into Scotland. The drug is normally cut into 2 pieces, ingested orally after chewing and taken with a warm, sugary drink. The Police have issued a FAB information leaflet called Folic Acid Bread – know the Score.

Scottish fingerprint experts were drafted in this week to help analyse 2 dead swan carcasses. Prints of the webbed feet were processed in order to determine the gender of the wild birds. In their preliminary report the SCRO said there was no doubt whatsoever that the prints belonged to Shirley McKie and that she should be isolated immediately and kept under 24-hour surveillance.

Following the news that Folic Acid is to be added to bread, the new designer drug of choice for ravers with the munchies is the Club Sandwich.

The new Special Operations Anti-Terrorism Unit has launched a hi-tech initiative to detect Al-Qaeda chatter and message passing on the Web. The initiative has been given the codename Operation Talibanter.

Scientists have admitted defeat in their quest to find a cure for the Winter Vomiting virus in hospitals. Instead, they have suggested that hospital managers install sun-lamps and palm trees while patients should wear beach towels, carry a stuffed donkey, sing Y Viva España and keep an emergency sombrero handy in order to fool the winter bug.

OK, constable, what have we got ?5 deid swans and 12 deid ducks, sir.Right, I’ll get on to the Chief Veterinary Officer, DEFRA and Ross Finnie.Nae need sir, look, ah found an empty Greggs bag, somebody’s been feeding them Steak Bakes.

During his visit to Glasgow this week Bill Clinton has praised the Executive in their efforts to contain bird flu. The ex-President also revealed a surprise interest in ornithology claiming his favourite birds as the red breast, the blue tit, the blackbird, any type of wren, the dipper, the deep-throated warbler, the peacock and his all-time favourite the un-spotted woodpecker.

Scottish Police are to follow the lead of their Australian colleagues and adopt the use of clairvoyants in murder investigations. However, the Edinburgh Police have declined to take part in the initiative as they flatly refuse to make any use of weegie boards.

The Tartan Army and the Salvation Army have announced a merger and will create a new periodical called The Christian Dailly.

Violence erupted at the Jockey Club this week following the news that their members are putting their health at risk with continual dieting. Brutal fighting broke out among the jockeys during the selection process for the mount of the Derby favourite Beef or Salmon.

Following the news of that church attendance in the Western Isles is in rapid decline the Stornoway branch of Tesco has announced an initiative to help called Buy One get Wee Free.

Surprises galore at the Iranian Film and Television Awards this week when the TV shows ‘Countdown’ and ‘Invasion’ failed to get a nomination while there were special gongs for the films ‘The Madness of King George’ and ‘The Blair Witchhunt Project’.

The Cash for Privileges scandal showed no sign of abating this week. A leaked document revealed that for £10 million you can get a seat in the Lords, for £20 million you can get a seat in the Cabinet and for £30 million you can get a seat in a surgery with an out-of-hours GP.

The White House was reeling this week when devastating evidence was presented to the UN which will allow Iran to go ahead with its nuclear ambitions. Iranian lawyers successfully argued that ‘If Homer Simpson can control a nuclear power plant then so can we’.

In a bid to stop the singing of controversial lyrics at Ibrox, Rangers fans will instead be asked to hum loudly their favourite tunes. A player’s spokesman backed the initiative and claimed that there was now ‘a real buzz about the place’.

Tom Cruise has vowed to eat his baby’s placenta with a stuffed-crust pizza and a 2-litre bottle of Pepsi after his wife insisted on having a home delivery.

New research suggests that spending an extra hour in bed could help weight loss as it eases food cravings. The Scottish Executive commented that the research was timely following a mass population weight gain of 5 million pounds when the clocks went forward two weeks ago.

Maureen Watt, SNP list MSP for NE Scotland, became first MSP to take an oath in Doric this week. Following her speech some MSPs were critical of her use of a translator. Both Rosie Kane and Colin Fox of the SSP claimed they have been forced make speeches throughout their entire political career without the use of a translator.

Actor Keifer Sutherland is set to star in a new British drama which has been described as a combination of Casualty and The Bill. The new programme is to be called NHS-24.

Actor Michael Douglas is set to receive an honorary degree of Laws from St. Andrews University. The University Chaplain said it was a well-deserved award and described Mr. Douglas as, ‘without doubt, a true Son of the Kirk’.

20% of people surveyed said they would like a 25p coin, 59% would like a £5 coin while 77% said they couldn’t give a toss.

Celtic have been given planning permission for a new training academy in the grounds of the old Lennox Castle Hospital. A Health spokesperson said it was nice to at last see some continuity planning for Care in the Community.

Dundee’s economy is said to be on the up after a multi-million pound investment in the city was announced this week. Fans of Dundee FC, however, were dejected to hear that main investment source was from an Arab millionaire.

Celtic have hit a snag in their planning application for a new training ground at Lennoxtown. The club will now consider alternative locations including Johnstone, Craigton, Clarkston, McNeilston, CumbernAuld, the Wallace monument, Provanmill, Bonnar Bridge and feed-the-Bearsden.

An Army radio announcer with a speech impediment was dismissed yesterday after attempting the line ‘…Cunning stunt to split the Shi-ites using the Turkish Kurds’.

In a tabloid serialisation the disgraced former Catholic Bishop for Argyll and the Isles, Roderick Wright, has spoken of his conversion to the Church of Scotland and his fight with alcohol and faith. The tabloid headline was ‘PRODDY RODDY in VODDIE BOTTLE BINGE’N’BIBLE BATTLE’.

John Prescott’s battle to lose weight is to be sponsored by The Communication Workers Union. They have offered to wire up his mouth, fix his broadband and put him on a high-fibre optic diet.

A Hawick doctor has criticised staffing levels in the NHS on his return from a year in Africa with the medical charity Doctors Without Borders. He has now decided to form a local pressure group to address the staffing issue called Borders Without Doctors.

Scots squaddies in Iraq have been amusing themselves by posting pictures of each other on a Hot or Not website. Al-Qaeda have retaliated by using the same images on their own website called Shot or Not.

A Glasgow woman is to sue the crematorium who mixed up her father’s ashes with someone else’s. Her legal team, Lawyers-Direct, have released a statement saying ‘Where there’s a flame, there’s a claim’.

Prince Harry has refused to dye his hair to make him less conspicuous in a war zone. The ginger Prince claimed that it should be possible for someone with his hair colour to be constantly under-fire in a foreign country, to be a hate figure and focal point for abuse and violence having seen how Neil Lennon had survived in Scotland.

John Prescott’s mystery lover has been revealed as David Blunkett.A Barra GP has defended his £300,000 a year salary by claiming it can be put down to his specialism in Oncology – he has been On-Call non stop for the last 3 years.

10 West Highland women are being sought for a new BBC series based on finding a lover in a small, rural environment. The program is to be called Desperate Crofters.

British Eurovision entrant, Daz Canpbell, has claimed to know lots of gangsters in Manchester and anyone crossing him will ‘end up with a horses head in their bed’. On hearing this Ruud van Nistlerooy immediately submitted a transfer request from Man. Utd.

A new on-line auction site from Yorkshire has been launched this week called eBay-Gum.

David Murray announced his engagement this week to 34 year old lawyer Kae Tinto. The pre-nuptial agreement was set up by Donald Findlay QC where Ms Tinto will have the right to half of Murray’s estate if she runs a nice house and keeps busy by being up to her knees in menial work.

August 2006 Political Gags

Following his sex scandal trial Tommy Sheridan is now to face charges of embezzling SSP finances. He is accused of massaging the figures, fiddling with his ledger and leaving a deposit in an Isa and a Tessa.

Following increased sightings of whales and dolphins this year green MSPs have described Scotland’s polluted coastline as ‘not fit for porpoise’.

There was confusion in Scottish Politics this week when Reuters announced that 3 MSPs had a private meeting with the ailing Cuban leader Fidel Castro. A Havana spokesman cleared up the issue by revealing that the MSPs were, in fact, Welsh rockers the Manic Street Preachers.

World leaders have welcomed the deployment of an international peacekeeping force for the middle-east. Mid Calder residents say it will help enforce the buffer zone between them and Broxburn neds on a Saturday night.

Following the Tommy Sheridan sex scandal trial the SSP now plans to target swinging voters, gain maximum exposure and provide voter information on how to hold an election.

London’s annual oversized genitalia competition was forced to cancel this week following the announcement of another hosepipe ban.

In the High Court, a man arrested by police after stealing 1000 pairs of swimming trunks has admitted to being a convicted speedophile.

10 Firefighters who refused to distribute leaflets at a gay pride rally have described the leaflets as inappropriate as they contained advice about dangers of illegal arson, problems of backdraft when entering a hot tunnel and showed a graphic image of a fireman’s helmet

World 100m sprint champion Justin Gatlin has denied accusations of steroid doping, claiming that his shoes had been spiked prior to the race

Plans to disperse beggars on Aberdeen’s Union Street have led to accusations of hobophobia against city councillors.

Channel 4 is to release a new reality TV show set in a convent full of overweight nuns. The programme is to be called Big Sister.

Tony Blair aims to forget the controversy surrounding the transit of arms to Israel when he holidays on the Caribbean island of Grenada.

Rangers players are said to be delighted with new manager Paul le Guen’s strict food diet which includes Duck a l’orange , Lanark blue cheese and Dairy Walls ice cream.

Defence minister Des Browne has described reports that Britain is losing the war in Afghanistan as complete and utter Kabulshit.

Following the TV programme about fishing in the North Sea, Peterhead trawlermen have described the BBC’s need for subtitles as a ‘Piece of Buchan nonsense’.

After the night of the long knives, the SSP is to split and will now be known as the SS.

The German Government has announced a crackdown on rowdy Scots on Stag weekends by introducing a mandatory 2 week prison sentence in Berlinnie.

In order to combat an increase in staff abuse by angry customers TESCO has announced a new campaign called ‘Every Little Skelps’.

A new TV addiction centre has opened this week in the Channel Islands.

Ken Dodd is to present a TV programme following the lives of neds on a Scottish Island. The programme is to be called ‘Jura Wee Diddy Man’.

The Government provoked the ire of free-marketeers this week when it announced that all internet banking should be conducted through HSBC. A government spokesman clarified the issue by announcing that HSBC stood for high speed broadband connection.

Ex-Kojak star Telly Savalas has announced that he has officially retired from acting and will now take up a new career as a Lollipop man.

Professor Norman Gorman of the BMA described a new medical treatment this week for the wives of polygamists during the menopause. The treatment is to be called the Norman Gorman Mormon Hormone replacement therapy.

A man whose house collapsed under the weight of thousands of stolen historical books about Bodicea, Joan of Arc, Florence Nightingale and Margaret Thatcher was arrested this week for heroine addiction.

Traffic police have arrested fifteen drivers of a funeral cortège on the M8 after they were caught undertaking on the inside.

The leader of the SSP has issued desperate plea calling for ‘party unity for Fox sake’.

Fans who sing sectarian slogans at Ibrox are to be issued with a new type of ASBO which stands for ‘Anybody Singing BillyBoys is Out’

Following a gorse fire near the Scottish Parliament, Firefighters have layed the blame on a ’whole series of doubts lying around about Mike Watson’s future’.

A new range kitchen utensils designed specifically for athletes on the go was revealed at an Alf Tupperware party in Birmingham this week.

Doctors have revealed a new psychiatric condition to describe women who become aggressive and annoying after failed cosmetic surgery. They are to be known as Botoxymorons.

A new coffee and comedy club has opened in Liverpool this week called Jimmy Starbucks.

Trials took place in West Lothian this week for a new drug to cure baldness. The drug is to be called the Barnett formula.

Following the withdrawal of a bad batch of Viagra this week the pharmaceutical industry has announced that annual profits have shrivelled.

A new low-fat food cooker for health-conscious comedy-musicians has been released called the George Formby Grill.

A Scottish actor who starred in the Lord of the Rings was arrested at Ibrox last week when he introduced himself to the crowd by saying ‘Hello, hello, I am the Billy Boyd’.

Football fan Sir Sean Connery has revealed he will buy a season ticket for Villa park this year as he has always been a big fan of Aston Martins.

Celtic’s Neil Lennon put his defensive gaffe against Hearts down to the fact that he was completely Naka’d after the long flight from Japan.

Secret plans to pump water from Scotland to the South East of England were revealed when a Scottish Water report was leaked after one of their phones was tapped.

Worried farmers are concerned that an increase in impotency levels in male sheep will hit sales of rack of lamb due to the lack of ram.

A government think tank has announced plans to reduce unemployment by providing free semi-skilled Milk to job seekers

Eric Lampton, the new BNP MP for Tooting South, has agreed to join the Foreign Affairs Select Committee Immigration Study Team on realising that he would become a member of a FASCIST group.

A lonely hearts club for archaeologists has just been formed and is to be known as the Carbon Dating Agency.

An oriental chef has created a new dish that has been described as an East-West marriage. The dish is to be called the Thai Bridie.

A call-centre employee, sacked for criticising his company on-line, was said to be at bloggerheads with his employer.

Sheik Mohammed is to move from horse racing into pigeon racing following the success of his first bird called Abu Dhabi Doo.

The Pope has denied taking payments from the Poultry Association after revealing he eats a plate of Eggs Benedict each day for breakfast.

Dutch chiropodists have warned hill-walkers that excessive wearing of wooden shoes can lead to clogged arteries.

The BBC is to screen a new historical series about a promiscuous Roman princess who bedded over 200 centurions. The series is to be called I, Clamidia.

Following the news that The Sun has taken the lead in the tabloid sales war the editor of The Record has been asked to take a long, hard look in The Mirror.

Hovis has released a new type of bread which is said to promote youthful skin. The bread is called the peter pan loaf.

A survey of casual drug users has confirmed that smoking cannabis does lead to health problems. 80% of men asked said they had recently developed a pot belly and had problems with their joints.

A baby boom among protestants in Northern Ireland has been put down to free UVF treatment for couples on the NHS.

Hairdressers in Edinburgh have complained about a loss in custom following severe cuts to the fringe this year.

Vegetarian couples who have difficulty conceiving are now to be offered IVF treatment using free-range, organic eggs on the NHS.

The Catholic church has denied plans for a mass contraception programme by sponsoring all extra-virgin olive oil brands.

A taxi-driver has been arrested by police after he took an allergic reaction to the cannabis he was trafficking. Doctors said they had never seen such a bad case of Wacky Baccy Hackney Acne.

Paul le Guen says his communication skills continue to improve and he has taken on the same English language tutor who worked wonders with Stilian Petrov, Sebastian Rosenthal and Barry Ferguson.

The Government has urged all gardeners to mix a crushed Rennie in with their plant food in order to reduce the emission of greenhouse gases.

A Russian air hostess was praised for her quick thinking when she defused a bomb on an internal flight by slipping 2 tranquilisers into the drink of Fernando Ricksen.

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Thousands of satellite navigation systems were recalled this week when they all refused to give directions to Cumbernauld.

Bookies are refusing to take any more bets on the winner of this year’s Orange prize for fiction being UN resolution 1559 by ambassador John Bolton.

Illegal raves are making a comeback and middle-aged couples are taking advantage by mixing e-tablets and Viagra at their own flaccid house parties.

Celtic’s new signing Vennegoor of Hesselink is to be sponsored by the Indian restaurant the Koh-I-Noor of Castlemilk.

The Government has released guidance to describe 5 new terror level threats as mild, dangerous, severe, critical and Prescott.

Britain’s population surpassed the 60 million mark this week thanks mainly to a rapid increase in the number of born-again Christians.

Police fear that an armed gang is responsible for the spate of missing road signs around Haddington and are likely to melt the Aluminium down to make a gun that can fire in15 directions at any one time.

September 2006 Political Gags

Archbishop Mario Conti has denied that his support for the fire fighters can be put down to his fear of the big bad burny fire.

Strathclyde Police have taken delivery of a new computer system to help train officers how to behave in a politically correct manner. The system is called the PC PC PC.

Esther Rantzen has teamed up with RyanAir to promote their new one-way flights designed to help children escape from third-world poverty and oppression. The first flight is scheduled from Stornoway to Lahore this week.

The postcode lottery for fertility treatment in Edinburgh took a new twist this week when an MSP asked why one of her constituents with the postcode EH3 IVF was successful and the other who lives at EN0 KID was not.

In a bid to increase accessibility the Church of Scotland this week broadcast their first live internet church service. The web address is http://www.cam-all-ye-faithful.com/ while the service can be viewed in the Western Isles on wee Free View.

Campaigners have warned again about the dangers of approaching wild animals after a ball boy panicked when he came within 10 metres of Andy Murray at the US Open this week.

Glasgow Council leader Steven Purcell claims that the new super casino will create 2500 new jobs for the city, with the breakdown being 100 croupiers, 100 cleaners and 2300 loan sharks.

Scottish Vodka distillers are worried that new European legislation requiring vodka to be made solely from potatoes or grain will lead to a severe cut in production. A spokesperson for the distillers, Chloe Burns, aged 8 of Burdiehouse, Edinburgh said it was a disgrace and would lead to shortages in primary schools.

A survey has revealed that Scots kids are the laziest in the UK. 20% questioned said they enjoyed taking part in sports while the other 80% said they couldn’t be arsed replying to the questions and wanted to get back to their playstations.

Defence Minister Des Browne has described reports of faulty weapons in the armed forces in Afghanistan as a 'cheap shot' and 'bang out of order'.

Al-Qaeda cells are now coming out of the closet according to intelligence reports from MFI5.

The bitter in-fighting between No.10 and No.11 continued this week although James McFadden insisted he will take the penalties before Kris Boyd.

Police believe the severed arm of a woman found on the M8 occurred when she was pulled over suddenly on the hard shoulder.

A policewoman dressed as a prostitute has helped trap a gang of sex traffickers who used a fishing boat as cover. A spokeswoman said the gang took the bait sink, line and hooker.

Film stars looking for religious succour are abandoning scientology for a new form of TV evangelism known as Richard and Judaism.

In a bid to promote religious tolerance a Rangers-supporting muslim couple have named their first-born son Halally McCoist.

Authorities in Moscow have decided not to jail Madonna following her concert crucifixion scene but will instead hand her a suspended sentence.

The Pope has further outraged Islam in a speech by comparing it to a light entertainment show when he said “How do you solve a problem like Sharia?”.

Claire Short has resigned from New Labour in order to search for a new boyfriend and will dedicate her time to promoting the benefits of a well-hung parliament.

After an accident involving a downed Apache helicopter the US Air Force has blamed the maintenance crew describing them as a complete bunch of cowboys.

Police at Glasgow Airport are to target drinkers prior to boarding their flights using a new group of ruthless, zero-tolerance officers to be known as The Swallyban.

Following recent organ retention scandals in the NHS Doctors now say they are winning the battle for hearts and minds.

George Bush denies simplifying the troubles in Lebanon when he described the situation as Islamabaddies versus goodyJewshoes.

A new star sign has been created for people born on the cusp of Aires and Pisces. The symbol is a drawing of two cheeks and the sign will be known as Airsces.

Women can now order a vibrating sex toy on line using the new internet search engine called Shoogle.

MI5 has foiled a plan to merge Al-Qaeda and the IRA following Operation JihadiPaddy.

George Bush has been accused by the Arab world of seeing the problems in the middle-east through rose-tinted synagoggles.

World leaders were delighted at the announcement of the merger of Fatah and Hamas in Palestine to form a new heavyweight party called Hamafatahs.

Amnesty has accused Israel of deliberately attacking the only Lebanese naturist resort using scud missiles in the buffer zone.

David Cameron has defended the new Tory logo of a tree and, in order to appease old Tories, he has also promised to bring back the birch.

Scientists testing a new cure for acne on mice say that the rodents showed signs of severe depression when they refused to budge from a showing of River City.

Gangland’s Paul Ferris will not make any profit from a poem he penned for his murdered friends after Justice Minister Cathy Jamieson said that Rhyme Doesn’t Pay.

Crash investigators say the likely cause of Richard Hammond’s high-speed accident was that he slipped off of his booster seat at 300 mph.

After the football bung scandal the world of tennis is in shock following the news that police have smashed a network of backhanders and racketeering. Players found guilty will serve 20 years with no breaks in the grand slammer.

Richard Branson has announced all of his company profits will go into research for new aviation bio-fuels. In the meantime his planes will use only extra-Virgin olive oil.