March 2006 Political Gags
A government report says education staff are not doing enough to stop under-age drinking in schools. Education Minister Peter Peacock claimed he was not just having a go at Teachers but also Bells, Famous Grouse and Johnnie Walker.
Prince Charles has quit his position as head of the Boys Brigade. He explained that, after his accession to the throne, he did not want to be known as the new BB King.
Shamed ‘70’s rock star Gary Glitter is to undergo treatment for a groin tumour. He will begin a course of Interferon in a Thai hospital next week.
Celtic manager Gordon Strachan was relieved to hear that Roy Keane will be available next season following a hip injury scare. The influential midfielder will visit specialists in Colorado to undergo an intense course of Keanotherapy.
The Executive has announced new toll charges for the Forth Road bridge. The first half of the crossing will be charged at £5 and the rest will be free. Motorists on the Edinburgh side are said to be pleased with the new fare while on the Fife side sales of swimming trunks have rocketed.
Friends and colleagues of Roads Minister Tavish Scott have wished him well as he goes into hospital this week for a by-pass operation.
LALA, the League Against Long-winded Acronyms, today submitted a letter of complaint to the TV Watchdog Authority. A LALA spokesman said this followed the recent transmission of an MTV AC/DC DVD on BBC3.
Chefs at the Koh-I-Noor Restaurant in Port Ellen, Islay have created a new dish to reflect Indian and Scots tastes. The dish is called Chicken Bhunahavain.
Accusations of nepotism in Glasgow City Council have resurfaced. The spokeswoman for Council Leader Steven Purcell, Mrs. Mary Purcell, said the allegations were outrageous.
Ex-Hibernian star Gary O’Connor refused to train with his new Lokomotiv Moscow team-mates when he overheard they would be training at the Russian capital’s Gorgie Park.
Following the success of Brokeback Mountain, Hollywood is to produce a film about a sex-change, lesbian lorry driver. The lead role will be played by Dick Van Dyke.
The controversy surrounding the new Aberdeen ring-road eased today with a proposal to have part of the road on the beach at sea level. The RAC said the idea made sense but in bad weather drivers would have to learn to dip their headlights.
Relief for parents of Goths after a study revealed that their lugubrious offspring go on to become valued members of society such as church ministers, lawyers and dentists. The Goths have responded by forming a band called The Jesus and Gravy Train.
Fears that bird flu has crossed over to wild fish stocks were confirmed yesterday when a fisherman witnessed a salmon leap 20 feet in the air and shit on the windscreens of 4 parked cars by the River Tay.
In a unique equal opportunities programme Scotland’s neds are being given the chance to join an élite squadron of the Royal Air Force. On completion of training they will be known as the riff-RAF.
Its official! The British Medical Association has released a report which confirms that laughter is, indeed, the best medicine. The BMA report entitled “ A New Pay Structure for GPs and Consultants” was released last week.
The Executive has announced plans to merge the Territorial Army with the Tartan Army in order to create a squad of part-time supporters.
Scientists have confirmed that it is possible to fertilize a woman’s egg by passing a small electric current across it. This evidence was presented in a court case today to describe a policewoman who gave birth to triplets after accidentally tazering herself while on duty.
Hollywood has released a joint soundtrack CD from the films Brokeback Mountain and Walk the Line. The CD is to be called The Ring of fire.
In a survey this week, Politicians were asked to reveal their favourite holiday destinations. Tommy Sheridan voted for a getaway in Guantanamo, George Galloway went for a fortnight in Fallujah and Alex Salmond for a B&B in Banff. Glasgow City Council leader Steven Purcell was unavailable for comment but released a statement on a postcard from Melbourne saying ‘wish you were here’.
New Rangers manager Paul Le Guen has vowed to create a team that reflects the French nation. He is going to play 11 strikers.
The dire financial state of Scottish football was highlighted this week when Dundee FC were involved in a deal for the world’s first FairTrade footballer. The chairman of Addis Abbaba Athletic said that they were delighted to have signed Tam McManus for a fee in the region of 10 banyan and jar of Ethiopian coffee.
Following the success of Brokeback Mountain Hollywood is to make a film about 2 lesbian cowboys called Jessie James and Buffalo Jill.
A new Government initiative has been announced to help people with depression integrate into society by using pubs to provide Prozac on draft. A Care in the Community spokesperson said the idea was sound but that the drug should only be served during the Happy Hour.
Sir Paul McCartney is to sue the Canadian Government after he was assaulted at a demonstration to prevent a seal cull in Newfoundland. In a statement McCartney said he was beaten by 3 fishermen with clubs after he sang ‘I am the Walrus’.
A major drinks company is set to sponsor an Animal Rights Group in a protest against the seal cull in Newfoundland. A spokesman for Canadian Club said they were delighted to support the initiative.
Prince Charles has quit his position as head of the Boys Brigade. He explained that, after his accession to the throne, he did not want to be known as the new BB King.
Shamed ‘70’s rock star Gary Glitter is to undergo treatment for a groin tumour. He will begin a course of Interferon in a Thai hospital next week.
Celtic manager Gordon Strachan was relieved to hear that Roy Keane will be available next season following a hip injury scare. The influential midfielder will visit specialists in Colorado to undergo an intense course of Keanotherapy.
The Executive has announced new toll charges for the Forth Road bridge. The first half of the crossing will be charged at £5 and the rest will be free. Motorists on the Edinburgh side are said to be pleased with the new fare while on the Fife side sales of swimming trunks have rocketed.
Friends and colleagues of Roads Minister Tavish Scott have wished him well as he goes into hospital this week for a by-pass operation.
LALA, the League Against Long-winded Acronyms, today submitted a letter of complaint to the TV Watchdog Authority. A LALA spokesman said this followed the recent transmission of an MTV AC/DC DVD on BBC3.
Chefs at the Koh-I-Noor Restaurant in Port Ellen, Islay have created a new dish to reflect Indian and Scots tastes. The dish is called Chicken Bhunahavain.
Accusations of nepotism in Glasgow City Council have resurfaced. The spokeswoman for Council Leader Steven Purcell, Mrs. Mary Purcell, said the allegations were outrageous.
Ex-Hibernian star Gary O’Connor refused to train with his new Lokomotiv Moscow team-mates when he overheard they would be training at the Russian capital’s Gorgie Park.
Following the success of Brokeback Mountain, Hollywood is to produce a film about a sex-change, lesbian lorry driver. The lead role will be played by Dick Van Dyke.
The controversy surrounding the new Aberdeen ring-road eased today with a proposal to have part of the road on the beach at sea level. The RAC said the idea made sense but in bad weather drivers would have to learn to dip their headlights.
Relief for parents of Goths after a study revealed that their lugubrious offspring go on to become valued members of society such as church ministers, lawyers and dentists. The Goths have responded by forming a band called The Jesus and Gravy Train.
Fears that bird flu has crossed over to wild fish stocks were confirmed yesterday when a fisherman witnessed a salmon leap 20 feet in the air and shit on the windscreens of 4 parked cars by the River Tay.
In a unique equal opportunities programme Scotland’s neds are being given the chance to join an élite squadron of the Royal Air Force. On completion of training they will be known as the riff-RAF.
Its official! The British Medical Association has released a report which confirms that laughter is, indeed, the best medicine. The BMA report entitled “ A New Pay Structure for GPs and Consultants” was released last week.
The Executive has announced plans to merge the Territorial Army with the Tartan Army in order to create a squad of part-time supporters.
Scientists have confirmed that it is possible to fertilize a woman’s egg by passing a small electric current across it. This evidence was presented in a court case today to describe a policewoman who gave birth to triplets after accidentally tazering herself while on duty.
Hollywood has released a joint soundtrack CD from the films Brokeback Mountain and Walk the Line. The CD is to be called The Ring of fire.
In a survey this week, Politicians were asked to reveal their favourite holiday destinations. Tommy Sheridan voted for a getaway in Guantanamo, George Galloway went for a fortnight in Fallujah and Alex Salmond for a B&B in Banff. Glasgow City Council leader Steven Purcell was unavailable for comment but released a statement on a postcard from Melbourne saying ‘wish you were here’.
New Rangers manager Paul Le Guen has vowed to create a team that reflects the French nation. He is going to play 11 strikers.
The dire financial state of Scottish football was highlighted this week when Dundee FC were involved in a deal for the world’s first FairTrade footballer. The chairman of Addis Abbaba Athletic said that they were delighted to have signed Tam McManus for a fee in the region of 10 banyan and jar of Ethiopian coffee.
Following the success of Brokeback Mountain Hollywood is to make a film about 2 lesbian cowboys called Jessie James and Buffalo Jill.
A new Government initiative has been announced to help people with depression integrate into society by using pubs to provide Prozac on draft. A Care in the Community spokesperson said the idea was sound but that the drug should only be served during the Happy Hour.
Sir Paul McCartney is to sue the Canadian Government after he was assaulted at a demonstration to prevent a seal cull in Newfoundland. In a statement McCartney said he was beaten by 3 fishermen with clubs after he sang ‘I am the Walrus’.
A major drinks company is set to sponsor an Animal Rights Group in a protest against the seal cull in Newfoundland. A spokesman for Canadian Club said they were delighted to support the initiative.
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