January 2007 Political Gags

Anti-terrorist police have raided a Florists in Basingstoke following the discovery of a Geranium Enrichment Plant.

The Blood Transfusion Service has recruited Stella McCartney, David Tennant and Michelle McManus for a new ad to encourage donors with the slogan ‘We’ve got a pint of Stella, Tennants and Heavy’.

After signing for LA Galaxy, David Beckham has vowed to also support the Flakers and the Jammy Dodgers.

TESCO have celebrated the opening of their first store in Baghdad by giving a 2-for-1 offer on Sunni Delight, lemon Kurd and Mullah Rice.

Following their success in re-decorating a Glasgow Housing Scheme, Colin and Justin have been invited to Baghdad where they hope to expand the city's Green Zone into a nice Egg-Shell White and Aubergine-Terracotta Zone.

Drug addicts are to be offered shopping vouchers in a bid to help them kick the habit and help encourage e-commerce.

The pilot's union BALPA has announced they will support the strike by BA cabin crew by providing 300 flying pickets.

Following her husband's $128 million transfer, Posh Spice has been offered the lead role in a Hollywood film called 'Spend It like Beckham'.

Lord Advocate Colin Boyd QC has denied that the letters after his name stand for 'Questions for Cash' and that he has been caught by the post-nominals.

The SFA are to commission a special film as a tribute to their last three management teams. The film begins with 'Tom and Gerry' , follows with 'When Barry Met Ally' and finishes with 'The Eck-Factor'.

Allegations of collusion in the 1990s this week between the RUC, UDA and DoE to form a group called CU-UR-DEAD.

Hollywood has made an offer to Jade Goody to star in a Western with Clint Eastwood in which she plays 3 main roles. The film is called The Goody, the Baddie and the Ugly.

MTV is to screen a special tribute concert by The Electric Light Orchestra - Unplugged, followed by The Darkness.

On a visit to Bombay, Gordon Brown claims he was not comparing himself to a great Indian leader but to Scottish Health Minister Ghandi Kerr.

Jade Goody says she accepts completely the accusations of racism levelled at her as she ran last years London marathon.

Unlike Tony Blair, Gordon Brown and his advisor Ed Balls have declined an invitation to holiday at the Miami home of Robin Gibb fearing of accusations of impropriety. The Sun carried the headline 'EB,GB in Bee-Gee B'n'B TB Hee-Bee Gee-Bees'.

Following the recent extreme weather the BBC have received a record number of complaints that TV viewers were only able to see the Flood Alert after the watershed.

Fears of massive job losses in ship yards on the Clyde this week after the Government announced the building of 2 new P-45 type frigates.

Disappointment for supporters of the Union as a new survey revealed that 95% of the English thought that 1707 mean't they had missed the 5 O'clock train.

The Government has been criticised this week for putting Britain at risk by not issuing warnings about foreign criminal records after the release of a new Julio Iglesias CD in the UK.

Following the success of 'The Last King of Scotland' Hollywood is to release a sequel about the downfall of Idi Amin called 'Black Jock Down'.

Morrissey claims he should represent the UK in the Eurovision Song Contest because he knows the difference between J'en ai Marre and Johnny Marr.

Tony Blair has warned there are no shortcuts in combatting global warming and that he is in it for the long haul.

Following the Ipswich prostitute murders Suffolk police have issued a warning to the Norfolk Broads.

Women who smuggle drugs using tampons will face prison for trafficking crack cocaine.

Eczema charities have been warned that they face prosecution if they continue to raise funds using scratchcards.

The Press Complaints Commision is to investigate a tabloid story that Lady Diana was pregnant before the Paris crash with the headline "Daddy Dodi and Di Die in Danger Dash and Dunt".

A Little Chef roadside cafe has been spared closure after it won 3 Michelin tyres for the quality of its all-day fry-ups.

Anti-Europe campaigners have described the EU beef and butter mountains as the high steaks involved with a slippery slope to federalism.

Gordon Ramsay has agreed to become a patron of the Tourettes Society and was sworn in today at a ceremony in Cockfosters.

The Government has encouraged British scientists to take the lead in stem cell research and not to dilly-dolly on the way.

In a speech on the Protestant Working Class, Ian Paisley has expressed his solidarity with Guantanamo inmates saying he has always supported Orangemen in boilersuits.

In a world-first, Madonna is to play a concert Saudi Arabia on her "Madge-at-the-Haj" tour.

Following his resignation over Trident, Malcolm Chisholm says he is relieved to be away from the pressure of front-line politics and, in particular, from Life in the Faslane.

After the success of his new year speech on YouTube, supporters can now chat on-line with Alex Salmond using MSNp.

The Celtic management say they will support Thomas Gravesen in his row with the press regarding his soft-porn girlfriend by making him vice-captain of the club.

Risky and unstable coaches are an accident waiting to happen, according to Sir David Murray, chairman of Rangers