April 2007 Political Gags
The Military has apologised for the body mix-up in coffins returning from Afghanistan. A spokesman said this was not due to a cock-up by the Royal Air Force but rather by the Royal Mail Parcel Force.
MI5 has been criticised this week for failing to discover a massive fertilizer bomb. They also failed to detect the huge geranium enrichment plant next door.
Jack McConnell claims he was right to describe Motherwell as a 'pig-sty'. He says they should take example from their neighbours where an assault on selected joints helped cure Hamilton.
Prince Harry says he is delighted to at last be going to Iraq as he is looking for a challenge in a new frontier. He is also pretty keen on a new left ear and a new right ear too.
The IRA are chasing the £2 million said to be hidden by a republican prisoner released from a Glasgow jail this week. If the money fails to appear they say they can also accept a provo-cheque.
Top Shop have released a clothing range designed by Kate Moss and insist the new line is one not to be sniffed at.
Sir Bob Geldof says he will front a controversial campaign to help reduce the shocking number of teenage pregnancies in Scotland - the campaign is to be called Make Puberty History.
The CIA say a new splinter group of Al-Qaeda has been formed to put the wind up the Americans called Al-Qaseltzer.
Walter Smith says the addition of 7000 new seats at Ibrox will greatly improve the atmosphere at the ground. 1000 of the seats will go to fans while the other 6000 will be filled with UEFA observers with tape-recorders.
Rod Stewart has been invited to sing at the London Live Earth concert in aid of global warming. When asked what he thought the consequences of climate change would be he replied 'Hail, Hail'.
As a mark of respect to Dado Prso Rangers say they are looking for a new big, deadly hit man with a pony-tail and have asked for permissions to speak to Steven Segal.
The Russian authorities say the funeral arrangements are now in place for Boris Yeltsin. His body will lie in a right state then the open cask will be given a carry-out by 100 pipers and be taken to the Red Square Church of the Holy Spirit in a carriage driven by 3 Moscow Mules.
Following the GMTV quiz scandal the government has warned about the dangers of entering competitions with no chance of winning. They have sent a warning letter to all affected viewers and one extra to Annabel Goldie.
The Tories have revealed a plan to end the school run in cars by using Yellow Buses. As global warming takes effect they say the kids will then be taken to school using yellow submarines.
Strathclyde Police say vandals caused hundreds of pounds worth of damage at the Glasgow Art Fair when they slashed, defecated and urinated on a curtain. The damage was recovered when the curtain was later sold for £10,000.
Simon Cowell says he is devastated and livid following his UK house burglary. In a statement he said if the thiefs were ever brought to court he really wants to be one of the judges.
Environmentalists say the spillage of raw sewage into the Firth of Forth has helped elevate Portobello sands into one of Scotland's top 10 cleanest beaches.
Heavy rain this week mean't that Parts of Easter Road stadium were affected by raw sewage and faeces from the Forth. Despite health concerns the managment and players have agreed not to clean the putrid mess as what goes on in the dressing room stays in the dressing room.
Kilmarnock's security chief says Celtic supporters were not to blame for the breakage of seats at Rugby Park. After reviewing video evidence of the match he now says the damage was caused by 10 of Steven Pressley's attempted clearances.
Madonna says her adoption of third-world children is not a publicity stunt to boost her flagging career - although she did admit that her star is now on the wane.
70's icons Deep Purple, Pan's People and Bread are to form a new supergroup called Deep Pan Pizza.
After the success of Pop Idol and American Idol ITV are to produce a new show to help the long term unemployed called Bone Idol.
The Clydeside Celtic Supporters Trust have also voted Shunsuke Nakamura their player of the year. He will receive his award at the annual dinner-dance of the Yokerhama No.1 supporters club.
Following Labour's election broadcast gaffe, which used an ex-party member in the cast, Jack McConnell was forced to make an apology via the internet on YouTubeYae.com.
George Bush says that the situation in Iraq is now out of control and wishes to send in a new zero-tolerance force to sort out the insurgents - the Spanish and Italian Police.
Director Ken Loach is to film a gritty new drama set in Greenock about a ned who climbs up the social ladder using his upper-class mistress - the film is to be called Buckfast at Tiffany's.
The SNP have accused Labour of having their own tax bombshell - Trident.
World Bank director Paul Wolfowitz was accused this week of arranging pay rise for his girlfriend. Bank staff were delighted when he dismissed their complaints by telling them to 'go take a hike'.
The Lib-Dems have emphasised their commitment to making Scotland the wind power capital of the world by slashing taxes on cauliflower pakora, chilli beans and donner kebabs.
The Head of Defence has apologised for the fiasco which proved to be a total embarrassment to his colleagues and his leader. However, Hibs captain Rob Jones still thinks John Collins is an arrogant wee diddy.
Jack McConnell says Labour will clamp down on thuggery by having instant ASBO fines. Opposition parties claim they are just trying to make a fast buck from Buckfast.
Traffic Police say there was an accident involving the Scottish Tory Battle Bus this week when Annabel Goldie tripped up crossing Lothian Road and twisted her ankle.
Presiding Officer of the Scottish Parliament George Reid was awarded the Freedom of Clackmannanshire this week for his services to the County. This means he can now wash his clothes in Alloa town square, sleep for free in Stirling Castle and be able to buy discounted furniture from Dougie Donnelly.
Raith Rovers fan Gordon Brown was said to be furious with George Bush after discovering he is a Dunfermline supporter. A Whitehouse spokesman said the President always prefers his stars'n'stripes.
Following the split from his girlfriend Kate Middleton, Prince William has told friends he feels completely and utterly lost - so he has decided to join the Royal Navy.
The Scottish Tories say they will promote a healthy diet for all Scots by concentrating only on Bread and Butter issues.
The BBC is to screen a new comedy which is described as a blend of NatureWatch and the Vicar of Dibley - the programme is to be called The Bird of Prey.
A neighbourhood Watch scheme in Morningside has been accused of wasting Police time after reporting a murder of hooded crows in the local woods.
The SNP's Angus MacNeil claims his romp with two teenagers was all part of their education about politics - in particular, how to hold an election.
Lee Miller has apologised for baring his backside to Dundee Utd fans. A fans' spokesman said they appreciated the gesture and they are over the moon.
Keith Richards insists he would never snort anyone's remains again after a bad trip last year with the ashes of Alexander Litvinenko.
No breaks for the 15 navy marines freed from Iran as they are to be sent immediately to police another water conflict zone - they are to patrol Loch Lomond Shores at the Glasgow Fair weekend.
Following the success of the Roman epic I, Claudius the BBC is to screen a new film about the Viking invasion of Britain called I, Kea.
Shirley McKie flew in from exile in Australia this week to announce her support for the Green Party - and immediately flew back after questions about the size of her carbon footprint.
Alex Salmond says all bridge tolls should be scrapped because everybody else should be like him and be able to walk on water.
England Cricket captain Michael Vaughan has been arrested for the murder of Bob Woolmer in Jamaica. In a statement he said 'after the funeral, it was the only way the team could return home with the Ashes'.
A trial of free crossings on the Tay Road bridge had to be scrapped this week after a stampede by Aberdonian commuters
MI5 has been criticised this week for failing to discover a massive fertilizer bomb. They also failed to detect the huge geranium enrichment plant next door.
Jack McConnell claims he was right to describe Motherwell as a 'pig-sty'. He says they should take example from their neighbours where an assault on selected joints helped cure Hamilton.
Prince Harry says he is delighted to at last be going to Iraq as he is looking for a challenge in a new frontier. He is also pretty keen on a new left ear and a new right ear too.
The IRA are chasing the £2 million said to be hidden by a republican prisoner released from a Glasgow jail this week. If the money fails to appear they say they can also accept a provo-cheque.
Top Shop have released a clothing range designed by Kate Moss and insist the new line is one not to be sniffed at.
Sir Bob Geldof says he will front a controversial campaign to help reduce the shocking number of teenage pregnancies in Scotland - the campaign is to be called Make Puberty History.
The CIA say a new splinter group of Al-Qaeda has been formed to put the wind up the Americans called Al-Qaseltzer.
Walter Smith says the addition of 7000 new seats at Ibrox will greatly improve the atmosphere at the ground. 1000 of the seats will go to fans while the other 6000 will be filled with UEFA observers with tape-recorders.
Rod Stewart has been invited to sing at the London Live Earth concert in aid of global warming. When asked what he thought the consequences of climate change would be he replied 'Hail, Hail'.
As a mark of respect to Dado Prso Rangers say they are looking for a new big, deadly hit man with a pony-tail and have asked for permissions to speak to Steven Segal.
The Russian authorities say the funeral arrangements are now in place for Boris Yeltsin. His body will lie in a right state then the open cask will be given a carry-out by 100 pipers and be taken to the Red Square Church of the Holy Spirit in a carriage driven by 3 Moscow Mules.
Following the GMTV quiz scandal the government has warned about the dangers of entering competitions with no chance of winning. They have sent a warning letter to all affected viewers and one extra to Annabel Goldie.
The Tories have revealed a plan to end the school run in cars by using Yellow Buses. As global warming takes effect they say the kids will then be taken to school using yellow submarines.
Strathclyde Police say vandals caused hundreds of pounds worth of damage at the Glasgow Art Fair when they slashed, defecated and urinated on a curtain. The damage was recovered when the curtain was later sold for £10,000.
Simon Cowell says he is devastated and livid following his UK house burglary. In a statement he said if the thiefs were ever brought to court he really wants to be one of the judges.
Environmentalists say the spillage of raw sewage into the Firth of Forth has helped elevate Portobello sands into one of Scotland's top 10 cleanest beaches.
Heavy rain this week mean't that Parts of Easter Road stadium were affected by raw sewage and faeces from the Forth. Despite health concerns the managment and players have agreed not to clean the putrid mess as what goes on in the dressing room stays in the dressing room.
Kilmarnock's security chief says Celtic supporters were not to blame for the breakage of seats at Rugby Park. After reviewing video evidence of the match he now says the damage was caused by 10 of Steven Pressley's attempted clearances.
Madonna says her adoption of third-world children is not a publicity stunt to boost her flagging career - although she did admit that her star is now on the wane.
70's icons Deep Purple, Pan's People and Bread are to form a new supergroup called Deep Pan Pizza.
After the success of Pop Idol and American Idol ITV are to produce a new show to help the long term unemployed called Bone Idol.
The Clydeside Celtic Supporters Trust have also voted Shunsuke Nakamura their player of the year. He will receive his award at the annual dinner-dance of the Yokerhama No.1 supporters club.
Following Labour's election broadcast gaffe, which used an ex-party member in the cast, Jack McConnell was forced to make an apology via the internet on YouTubeYae.com.
George Bush says that the situation in Iraq is now out of control and wishes to send in a new zero-tolerance force to sort out the insurgents - the Spanish and Italian Police.
Director Ken Loach is to film a gritty new drama set in Greenock about a ned who climbs up the social ladder using his upper-class mistress - the film is to be called Buckfast at Tiffany's.
The SNP have accused Labour of having their own tax bombshell - Trident.
World Bank director Paul Wolfowitz was accused this week of arranging pay rise for his girlfriend. Bank staff were delighted when he dismissed their complaints by telling them to 'go take a hike'.
The Lib-Dems have emphasised their commitment to making Scotland the wind power capital of the world by slashing taxes on cauliflower pakora, chilli beans and donner kebabs.
The Head of Defence has apologised for the fiasco which proved to be a total embarrassment to his colleagues and his leader. However, Hibs captain Rob Jones still thinks John Collins is an arrogant wee diddy.
Jack McConnell says Labour will clamp down on thuggery by having instant ASBO fines. Opposition parties claim they are just trying to make a fast buck from Buckfast.
Traffic Police say there was an accident involving the Scottish Tory Battle Bus this week when Annabel Goldie tripped up crossing Lothian Road and twisted her ankle.
Presiding Officer of the Scottish Parliament George Reid was awarded the Freedom of Clackmannanshire this week for his services to the County. This means he can now wash his clothes in Alloa town square, sleep for free in Stirling Castle and be able to buy discounted furniture from Dougie Donnelly.
Raith Rovers fan Gordon Brown was said to be furious with George Bush after discovering he is a Dunfermline supporter. A Whitehouse spokesman said the President always prefers his stars'n'stripes.
Following the split from his girlfriend Kate Middleton, Prince William has told friends he feels completely and utterly lost - so he has decided to join the Royal Navy.
The Scottish Tories say they will promote a healthy diet for all Scots by concentrating only on Bread and Butter issues.
The BBC is to screen a new comedy which is described as a blend of NatureWatch and the Vicar of Dibley - the programme is to be called The Bird of Prey.
A neighbourhood Watch scheme in Morningside has been accused of wasting Police time after reporting a murder of hooded crows in the local woods.
The SNP's Angus MacNeil claims his romp with two teenagers was all part of their education about politics - in particular, how to hold an election.
Lee Miller has apologised for baring his backside to Dundee Utd fans. A fans' spokesman said they appreciated the gesture and they are over the moon.
Keith Richards insists he would never snort anyone's remains again after a bad trip last year with the ashes of Alexander Litvinenko.
No breaks for the 15 navy marines freed from Iran as they are to be sent immediately to police another water conflict zone - they are to patrol Loch Lomond Shores at the Glasgow Fair weekend.
Following the success of the Roman epic I, Claudius the BBC is to screen a new film about the Viking invasion of Britain called I, Kea.
Shirley McKie flew in from exile in Australia this week to announce her support for the Green Party - and immediately flew back after questions about the size of her carbon footprint.
Alex Salmond says all bridge tolls should be scrapped because everybody else should be like him and be able to walk on water.
England Cricket captain Michael Vaughan has been arrested for the murder of Bob Woolmer in Jamaica. In a statement he said 'after the funeral, it was the only way the team could return home with the Ashes'.
A trial of free crossings on the Tay Road bridge had to be scrapped this week after a stampede by Aberdonian commuters
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