gagpolitik

Friday, January 18, 2008

Scottish Political Gags January 2008

HECTOR, one of the world’s most powerful super-computers, was unveiled this week at the University of Edinburgh. It will be used for meteorology, space research and all future CIS Cup draws.

Donald Trump says he is fed-up with Scotland and has revealed plans for the World’s first 17-hole golf course in Northern Ireland because Martin McGuiness and Gerry Adams refused to walk on the 12th.

Tommy Sheridan was seen rushing to the scene of the Glasgow Squinty Bridge accident after he heard it had began swinging in the middle of the night.

A leading fertility expert says the squinty Bridge accident was caused by failing nuts and poor erection leading to a lack of stiffness in the collapsing member.

The head of American Homeland Security says Europe now represents biggest terrorist threat to his country following the formation of a Swedish Jihadist group called Ikea-Da.

The boss of a chain of sperm banks has been accused of arranging donations to help labour.

Scottish Footballers must be more careful about what they post on on-line lifestyle sites such as Facebook according to the players spokesperson Bebo Balde.

Following their recent good behaviour UEFA have given Rangers supporters special dispensation to sing the Sash during the transfer window.

New Hibs boss Mixu Paateleinen says his first signing will be an Italian Finisher – Chianti Niemi.

Ex-Newcastle boss Sam Allardyce has denied calling supporters the Dark Side of the Toon and Animals and says it was just a Floydian slip.

Sam Allardyce has refused to blame injuries to key players for his sacking at Newcastle but he did want to change the shirt sponsor to Northern Crock.

On Merseyside, five burglars have admitted breaking into Liverpool players’ homes while they were playing away in Europe but they deny theft as they couldn’t find any silverware.

Hundreds of Scots women fear they have had their IDs stolen after reporting highly unusual spending patterns on their store cards - nothing had been spent during the first 2 weeks of the January sales.

Strathclyde Police have uncovered details of hundreds of torture flights leaving from Glasgow Airport last year. All of the victims had their passports stamped in Milan, Kiev and Lisbon and were wearing Celtic strips at the time.

(Knock on farmer’s door)

  • Evenin’ Sir, we’re from DEFRA – I’m afraid we’re going to have to cull all your cattle.
  • Whit!?...You must be jokin’ – whit’s ‘rang wi’ them?
  • Its Bluenose.
  • Whi’…d’ye no’ mean…Bluetongue?
  • Naw, definitely Bluenose, y’see these are all Brigton Dairy Coos.

In the race for the White House, Hilary Clinton says voter memories of Monica Lewinski helped her to really blow the Iowa Caucus.

Will Smith is to star in the sequel to the blockbuster I am Legend. Set in Glasgow in 2006 he plays a lone survivor in a hostile city under constant attack in a disaster movie called I am Leguen.

Workers in Aberdeen will be the first in the UK to be paid £1000 for stress during equal pay negotiations. Spokesman for the workers, Jimmy Calderwood, said he would use the money in the transfer window.

Andreas Hinkel says he is delighted to be following in the foosteps of other great German Celts like Raus Wallace, Rafael Scheisse, Wee Joe Müller, Harald Braatwürst, Hock Stein, Franz MacAvennie, Gerry Creaney and Celtic's founding father Brother Walfritz.

Labels: , , ,

Sunday, June 03, 2007

June 2007 Political Gags

American astronaut Sunita Williams set a new record for a woman this week by spending 188 consecutive days in space, breaking the record previously held by Kate Moss.

Ian Botham says Johnnie Beattie thoroughly deserves his MBE from the Queen even though Beefy was the only one who ever got hold of the Ashes.

Caley Thiste have confirmed one of their players did take drugs during last week's Rock Ness festival. A club spokesman said they knew something was wrong when the white lines began to disappear on the Caledonian stadium pitch.

River City's Johnnie Beattie is to be awarded an MBE - for murdering british entertaiment.

A Dutch lorry driver was filmed by traffic police driving with his knees while eating a pot of spaghetti. In court the man was named as Tomasso Van Pasten of Breda driving a VW Passatta.

Holyrood has shelved plans for a new 300 mph high-speed train link between Glasgow and Edinburgh because it would only confirm Falkirk as a blurry disgrace.

In the honours list this week Ian Dickinson, of Lothian and Borders Police, has been awarded the Queen's Police Medal but says he should have been knighted as he is used to feeling a chib on each shoulder on a Saturday night patrol.

Allegations of disharmony at Hibs resurfaced this week when John Collins was spotted at the Leith Lost Property Office looking for a dressing room.

An Edinburgh man has admitted assaulting a city Rickshaw driver because he was a basket-case that was trying to pull his girlfriend.

A new meals-on-wheels home delivery service using roller skaters has been launched this week by grocers Henry Heelies.

In a TV interview Princes Harry and William revealed how their mother enjoyed being called the Princess of Hearts because, like all Hibs 'keepers, she knew she was also an accident waiting to happen.

BBC Scotland say they are treating seriously a coded death threat issued to one of their staff in a news item this week about ospreys who often like to kill their chick young.

Hibs are to experiment with a new system to strengthen their weak defence by playing a six pack four.

Donald Findlay has denied telling a sectarian joke and claimed all he was doing was Rambling on about the Right to Rome.

Health campaigners say Russian men are putting their lives in danger by drinking cleaning products and aftershave. Muscovites said their normal daily tipple was a half-pint of Harpic and a wee Hasselhauf.

In order to protect vulnerable people, Disclosure Scotland has asked Interpol to inform them about foreign criminal records after the sudden release without warning of a new Julio Iglesias CD.

There was confusion at Glasgow Airport this week when the Control Tower reported a distressed bull wandering about in a daze on the runway. The RSPCA later confirmed the animal had been a belted Galloway.

Scotland has been voted the worst small country in Western Europe. Business leaders said it was not the 10 years of Tony Blair that were to blame but rather the 2 years when Bertie Vogts was in charge.

Formula 1 hero Lewis Hamilton says his diamond-encrusted helmet helped him win his first Grand Pricks.

Alex Salmond says the aggressive and insulting Newsnight interview experience has had a profound effect on him and has put him right off his wark.

Jennifer Aniston says she has converted her new Essex brickie boyfriend to the religion of scientology and he will be known from now on as the son of Hod.

Contrary to public opinion, Judges and Lawyers have voted unanimously to continue wearing wigs in court and now wish to addressed as m'luddite.

Sony has apologised to the Church of England for creating a violent video game which depicts Manchester Cathedral. The company says they have no plans for a sequel showing St. Patrick's in Anderston.

DaMarcus Beasley says it he will be proud to sign for Rangers and follow in the great American-Ibrox footsteps of Franny Jefferson, Tennessee Williamson and George Washinghun.

John Collins says player accusations about his vanity and narcissism have had a big effect on him and he has been forced to take a long, hard look at himself in the mirror.

In an interview this week Gordon Strachan revealed that his new passtime is visiting zoos as it helps him confront his fear of being attacked again by another wild animal from the Jungle.

Portuguese Police this week arrested a man who was seen acting strangely with a small girl on a beach. They were released 2 hours later when their passports showed they were the Krankies on their summer holidays.

John Collins has denied stitching the letters 'JC' into his training gear because he really believes he is the son of God.

Tony Blair has failed to make the Guinness Book of Records for the longest goodbye ever in world history as he was just beaten by 2 days by Dado Prso.

John Collins has given details about his strict training regime for Hibs players which begins with 200 sit-ups, then 300 press-ups followed by 22 shut-the-fcuk-ups.

Hibs have revealed their new strip for next season - the team will play in orange boilersuits.

Alex Salmond is to boost Scotland's renewable energy capacity by fitting a solar panel to the seat of has pants as he believes the sun always shines out of his arse.

Celtic have launched a campaign to improve eating habits in the community by presenting Killen, Vennegoor, Burns and Miller as a kiwi, an orange, a pineapple and a turnip.

Hibs boss John Collins denies he is running the club like a strict prison regime and says he learned his training ideas from an ex-football colleague - Guantanamo Johnston.

Justice minister Kenny MacAskill says sex offenders will be tracked by satellite and arrested by police if they misbehave in a new campaign called Operation Sputnicked.

Greggs the bakers are to expand into Russia in order to help provide Scottish bachelors with mail order bridies.

Researchers have developed a new guitar effects unit which recreates the sound of a small barking dog and is called the Chihuahua pedal.

Crufts web site was closed down by Police this week following accusations about on-line grooming.

Paris Hilton says she will follow the example of Jimmy Boyle and go on a dirty protest by spreading faeces all over her cell. A prison spokesman said they were delighted that she was repairing the cracks in the walls using Plaster of Paris.

Paris Hilton says she can only survive being in prison by offering sexual services to inmates and prison guards and will now change her name to Bangkok Hilton.

Following the row over abortion Catholic MPs have voted to continue receiving communion - by a wafer-thin majority.

South Yorkshire Police became the first in UK this week to give their dogs full protective armour. The vest is made of a special material which prevents a stab from the outside but when the dog cocks its leg it can still have a slash from the inside.

Liz MacDonald the new belly-dancing provost of Nairn was rushed to Hospital last night after she took her eye out walking down the stairs wearing her chain of office.

Renfrewshire Council graffiti teams are now using Buckfast to clean walls after they discovered its powerful cleansing effect. Following its success Council cleaners will now use Harpic lager to scrub the toilets.

Frankie Dettori won the Derby for the first time this week but failed a dope test after he revealed he hadn't beaten Ally McCoist at a Question of Sport for 5 years.

Gaza says he sympathises with the Newcastle family forced to move house 3 times because they have ginger hair. He said he was forced to do the same thing in Glasgow after he was accused of being a dirty orange Geordie.

120 litter louts were captured and fined £50 this week by the new Glasgow City council hit-squad called the Gangsta sweetie rappers.

Leeds City Council are to give the Freedom of Yorkshire to Robert Mugabe after they realised his name spelt backwards was ebagum.

Jack McConnell says he now supports the scrapping of Bridge Tolls because Bridget Told him tae.

The campaign to save the Scottish Fishing Fleet was given a boost when Nicola Sturgeon pledged her full support. She said she wanted to be known as the fisherman's friend and not just another nippy wee sweetie.

Gordon Ramsay says he will no longer sell Carpaccio of Clydesdale in his restaurant after a man fell ill and was taken to hospital after eating the horse meat. Doctors describe his condition as stable.

Scotland Yard have commissioned a new song in memory of the undercover policeman killed in the Diana car accident - it will be written by Bobby Crush.

Labels: , , , ,

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

May 2007 Political Gags

Scotland Yard have re-opened the Alexander Litvinenko case following the discovery of video footage which shows him eating a Clover sandwich.

More than 25,000 fans gathered this week for a convention to mark 30 years since the release of Star Wars. The event was overshadowed by the sad news that Choobacca had been killed in a snuff movie.

The Queen has criticised Channel 4's decision to screen graphic images of a mangled wreck and denies she gave them permission to show any photos of her husband.

A protest march against homophobia in Moscow descended into violence after the arrest of Peter Tatchell and Right-Said-Fred by the GayGB.

Following its recall, Clover is to be rebranded as the butter you can make a sandwich with without using bread as it already comes with its own dark crust.

Celtic cup final hero Jean-Joel Perrier Doumbe has revealed that he has Scottish ancestry- his Grandfather fought with the 1st Battalion of the Cameroon Highlanders.

The main winners at this week's British Soap Awards were all from Eastenders - in particular those from Shettleston, Garthamlock and Parkhead.

TESCO has been accused of filling its stores with mouldy and crusty old items way past their sell by date. A spokesman said it was still their policy to employ the over-60s.

Government Scientists say the recent bird-flu outbreak in Wales was due to the fact that the chickens were free-range and were allowed to wander about all day in the clover.

Gordon Strachan says his fear of hospitals kept him from undergoing his hip operation. His fears were heightened when his anaesthetist told him he was a supporter of one of the Glasgow clubs but it turned out to be the Jags.

Labour MP Anne Moffat says she compared Alex Salmond to Adolf Hitler because of his role in writing a constituency tourist brochure called Mein Banff.

A new seres of SpringWatch began this week with the highlights being some beautiful blue tits, some lovely orange lillies and a dead green finch according to presenter Bill Proddie.

Annabel Goldie says she will do everything possible to halt the progress of the SNP and she wants be know formally as Anny De Veto.

The Queen presented the Scottish Police Force with a new tartan this week. It was described as a shocking blend of clans Todd and Frazer and will be called the Tazer Tartan.

A new ship called The Sound of Rox has been launched as the latest Caledonian MacBryan Ferry.

Alex Salmond says he will forge strong links between Edinburgh and Brussels as its the only way to get Hearts into Europe next season.

The Greens and the SNP are to create a white paper block any Shit-to-Shit transfers in the Firth of Forth.

Presiding Officer Alex Fergusson claims that Nicola Sturgeon is in dire need of a makeover and says he will give her the hairdryer treatment at half-time.

The Government has warned about the dangers of surfing the internet while drunk after a man hit a T and crashed his computer while trying to make a forward slash.

Gordon Ramsay says he now hates all Vegetarians because he can no longer serve Roast Leg of Mars Bar in his restaurant.

The enquiry into the Election fiasco claims that it was totally predictable for Scotland to lose 140,000 votes as this was the same number of games lost by Berti Vogts.

The Cat Protection League has criticised a judge for handing a paltry fine of only £300 to a Dumfries woman who drowned her neighbour's cat in the River Nith. The judge said it was only her first offence but if she did it again she would then be fined for dropping a litter.

The Government has warned parents about the effects of wi-fi laptops on teenagers as it may lead to stunted growth and a persistent child-like state. Further information is contained on the web site http://www.douglasalexander.com/.

The Home Office says it will stop using dogs during dawn raids on the children of asylum seekers and will instead now use ospreys.

An American tourist who wandered naked around Nuremberg because he thought it was what Germans did has been criticised by the Mayor of the town - Herr E. Ballacks.

A 34 year old Leeds man was accused this week of possessing an Al-Qaeda manual which could have been used as a guide for human torture and psychological distress. Yorkshire Police were forced to apologise when the manual turned out to be an furniture assembly leaflet from IKEA.

Jack McConnell claims Labour would have won Cunninghame North from the SNP if Hunterston 'B' had been running as it would have been used to generate an extra 140,000 votes.

An obese American who was airlifted from a cruise ship in Firth of Forth reacted angrily when told that the Captain had sent for a Sea King Chopper and not for a burger King Whopper.

In a survey this week almost 80% of MSPs were against nuclear power. They have now been accused abandoning Scotland's rural fission communities.

Boxer Scott Harrison was arrested again this week during a brawl in a Spanish Brothel. His defence team said he was startled by the last bells on his 12th round when he was floored by a right hooker.

Alex Salmond is to follow Gordon Brown's lead and create 5 new Green Towns in Scotland beginning with Eco Bride.

Following her discovery by Hollywood talent spotters, Jackie Bird is set to star with Johnny Depp in the film sequel - Pirates of the Carribean 4 - The Sunken Chest.

A woman who stole 40 raincoats then returned them the next day has been described by Psychiatrists as being completely Anoraxic.

Walter Smith says it was not a desperate move to contact the British Deaf Society as they were the only ones who would sign for him this week.

The father of a North African immigrant family in Scotland has been accused of child abandonment following the news that Henry the osprey kicked 4 eggs out of its Speyside nest.

Shock figures show that the number of Scots women breast feeding their children has fallen to a new low. Health campaigners say they are delighted with the news as there is no room in society for chicken nuggets.

A Press campaign and a substantial reward have been used this week to help locate a missing Scots child. The infant has not been seen for a fortnight, has dark hair and answers to the name of Douglas Alexander.

The UN says that war crimes and mass torture are still ongoing in the former Yugoslavia and has demanded the immediate handover of Karadzic, Mladic and the lead singer of the Serbian Group that won of the Eurovision Song contest.

Burtons the biscuit makers has axed 660 workers this week. Business commentators say the wheels had fallen off their wagon a long time ago.

Strathclyde Police say Seville will not be allowed to make a lap of honour after the UEFA Cup final as there is a banning order in place for orange walks.

The Pope has canonised Brazil's first saint in front of a million people. He will be known as St. Pele dos Santos do Macaroona for his commitment to piety and bovril.

Glasgow’s Business community say the UEFA Cup final has boosted the city economy with a significant increase in the number of Catalans in Matalan and Sevillians in the City Chambers.

Scots musicians are to tour the world's poorest countries to help make poverty history beginning with Phil Cunningham in Alybania.

Rangers' new French striker Jean-Claude Darcheville says he is called 'The Rocket' because he has the same disciplinary problems as snookers' Ronnie 'The Rocket' O'Sullivan - he is always getting two straight yellows followed by a red.

The UK Food Watchdog is backing mandatory fortification of flour with folic acid. Drug dealers are now supplying ravers with club sandwiches.

At 105 years old, Sheila Thomson of Dundee this week became the UK's oldest driver. She says she keeps up with the city's boy racers by playing Great Great Gran Theft Auto on her Playstation 3.

Ian Paisley says he had no problem meeting Bertie Ahern because he is an experienced politician who has "been there, done that and bought the Taoiseach".

Tommy Sheridan says he was tired and emotional during a melanomatic farewell speech to his Pollok constituents.

Turkey Twizzlers are back on the menu in school canteens following a glowing report about their health benefits from the BMA - the Bernard Matthews Association.

Plans are underfoot for Scotland's own Diana Memorial Event with a £1000-a-head bash in the Tunnel nightclub in Glasgow.

As a mark of respect to Tony Blair's legacy, Gerry Adams says he will change the name of his party from Sinn Fein to Spin Vain.

A wayward albatross has been seen near a small Scottish island having first been spotted off Shetland in 1967. Celtic say they will now hold a 40th anniversary celebration dinner-dance for the bird involving the Lisbon Lions, release a new away strip and a special DVD called 'Life on the Wing' with a foreword by Bobby Lennox.

The Catholic church is said to be furious about a new Channel 4 gameshow aimed at priests called 'Feel or No Feel'.

A bird charity and the Rangers Supporters Party of Belfast are to fight a court battle for the right to use the acronym RSPB. "Its all about keeping football away from our quiet hobby" said the spokesman for the ornithologists, Mr Bill Proddie.

Celtic's Aiden McGeady says there was no chance of him spoiling his ballot paper as he never, ever puts more than one cross in the box.

The man who destroyed 3 ballot boxes with a golf club has been charged with reckless driving. In his defence he said he was a swing voter who wanted to force a wedge between the parties and strike a blow for the Greens.

Following the SNP victory Gordon Brown says he will change the Labour anthem to be 'Things Can Only get Bitter'.

Tony Blair denies plotting against Gordon Brown after he said that John Reid would be an extremely hard man to follow.

New right-wing President Nicolas Sarkozy has vowed to expulse all immigrants from France. He has now had his passport removed and is currently on his way to the airport with a one-way ticket back to Hungary.

After defeating the 3 main Unionist parties Alex Salmond says he now has the Balmoral Authority to ruin the country.

Nicola Sturgeon says she would be delighted to meet the Queen to discuss Scotland's future after the election so she has arranged to see Patrick Harvey on Saturday.

Following the election the Lib-Dems say they are happy to be known as the key party for change - because everybody else has them in their back pockets.

A new range of underwear designed by physicists has been released. The design uses the techniques of quantum simmetry, complex algebra and vulgar string theory.

The Glastonbury Festival is set to provide free loo rolls to festival goers. Events organisers in Scotland say there are no plans to do the same at this year's P in the Park.

A woman who laced her husband's curry with dog poo in a revenge attack against her husband says she got the idea fom a recipe book by Indian actress Shilpa Shitty.

The first of the new summer blockbuster films has been released in which the superhero fights hard to stop his dark side slipping out - the film is called Spiderman 3 - Toby versus Joby.

A security review of all buildings in Scotland has been ordered after Animal Rights Extremists broke in and released 50 people from a Glasgow Call Centre this week.

A breakthrough headache tablet hit the market this week. The pill is rubbed 3 times on the side of the head and the pain disappears in a flash - the product is called Alladin Extra.

The ex-Chairman of BP, Lord Browne, claims he was sacked for his role in the Alaskan oil-pipe leak. In a statement he said he did all he could and was proud to have been the only gay at the spillage.

Prince Harry says he is well prepared for his stint in Iraq having studied an Army training video called 'Being Ginger in a Conflict Zone' - also known as 'The Neil Lennon Story'.

Labels: , , , ,

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

April 2007 Political Gags

The Military has apologised for the body mix-up in coffins returning from Afghanistan. A spokesman said this was not due to a cock-up by the Royal Air Force but rather by the Royal Mail Parcel Force.

MI5 has been criticised this week for failing to discover a massive fertilizer bomb. They also failed to detect the huge geranium enrichment plant next door.

Jack McConnell claims he was right to describe Motherwell as a 'pig-sty'. He says they should take example from their neighbours where an assault on selected joints helped cure Hamilton.

Prince Harry says he is delighted to at last be going to Iraq as he is looking for a challenge in a new frontier. He is also pretty keen on a new left ear and a new right ear too.

The IRA are chasing the £2 million said to be hidden by a republican prisoner released from a Glasgow jail this week. If the money fails to appear they say they can also accept a provo-cheque.

Top Shop have released a clothing range designed by Kate Moss and insist the new line is one not to be sniffed at.

Sir Bob Geldof says he will front a controversial campaign to help reduce the shocking number of teenage pregnancies in Scotland - the campaign is to be called Make Puberty History.

The CIA say a new splinter group of Al-Qaeda has been formed to put the wind up the Americans called Al-Qaseltzer.

Walter Smith says the addition of 7000 new seats at Ibrox will greatly improve the atmosphere at the ground. 1000 of the seats will go to fans while the other 6000 will be filled with UEFA observers with tape-recorders.

Rod Stewart has been invited to sing at the London Live Earth concert in aid of global warming. When asked what he thought the consequences of climate change would be he replied 'Hail, Hail'.

As a mark of respect to Dado Prso Rangers say they are looking for a new big, deadly hit man with a pony-tail and have asked for permissions to speak to Steven Segal.

The Russian authorities say the funeral arrangements are now in place for Boris Yeltsin. His body will lie in a right state then the open cask will be given a carry-out by 100 pipers and be taken to the Red Square Church of the Holy Spirit in a carriage driven by 3 Moscow Mules.

Following the GMTV quiz scandal the government has warned about the dangers of entering competitions with no chance of winning. They have sent a warning letter to all affected viewers and one extra to Annabel Goldie.

The Tories have revealed a plan to end the school run in cars by using Yellow Buses. As global warming takes effect they say the kids will then be taken to school using yellow submarines.

Strathclyde Police say vandals caused hundreds of pounds worth of damage at the Glasgow Art Fair when they slashed, defecated and urinated on a curtain. The damage was recovered when the curtain was later sold for £10,000.

Simon Cowell says he is devastated and livid following his UK house burglary. In a statement he said if the thiefs were ever brought to court he really wants to be one of the judges.

Environmentalists say the spillage of raw sewage into the Firth of Forth has helped elevate Portobello sands into one of Scotland's top 10 cleanest beaches.

Heavy rain this week mean't that Parts of Easter Road stadium were affected by raw sewage and faeces from the Forth. Despite health concerns the managment and players have agreed not to clean the putrid mess as what goes on in the dressing room stays in the dressing room.

Kilmarnock's security chief says Celtic supporters were not to blame for the breakage of seats at Rugby Park. After reviewing video evidence of the match he now says the damage was caused by 10 of Steven Pressley's attempted clearances.

Madonna says her adoption of third-world children is not a publicity stunt to boost her flagging career - although she did admit that her star is now on the wane.

70's icons Deep Purple, Pan's People and Bread are to form a new supergroup called Deep Pan Pizza.

After the success of Pop Idol and American Idol ITV are to produce a new show to help the long term unemployed called Bone Idol.

The Clydeside Celtic Supporters Trust have also voted Shunsuke Nakamura their player of the year. He will receive his award at the annual dinner-dance of the Yokerhama No.1 supporters club.

Following Labour's election broadcast gaffe, which used an ex-party member in the cast, Jack McConnell was forced to make an apology via the internet on YouTubeYae.com.

George Bush says that the situation in Iraq is now out of control and wishes to send in a new zero-tolerance force to sort out the insurgents - the Spanish and Italian Police.

Director Ken Loach is to film a gritty new drama set in Greenock about a ned who climbs up the social ladder using his upper-class mistress - the film is to be called Buckfast at Tiffany's.

The SNP have accused Labour of having their own tax bombshell - Trident.

World Bank director Paul Wolfowitz was accused this week of arranging pay rise for his girlfriend. Bank staff were delighted when he dismissed their complaints by telling them to 'go take a hike'.

The Lib-Dems have emphasised their commitment to making Scotland the wind power capital of the world by slashing taxes on cauliflower pakora, chilli beans and donner kebabs.

The Head of Defence has apologised for the fiasco which proved to be a total embarrassment to his colleagues and his leader. However, Hibs captain Rob Jones still thinks John Collins is an arrogant wee diddy.

Jack McConnell says Labour will clamp down on thuggery by having instant ASBO fines. Opposition parties claim they are just trying to make a fast buck from Buckfast.

Traffic Police say there was an accident involving the Scottish Tory Battle Bus this week when Annabel Goldie tripped up crossing Lothian Road and twisted her ankle.

Presiding Officer of the Scottish Parliament George Reid was awarded the Freedom of Clackmannanshire this week for his services to the County. This means he can now wash his clothes in Alloa town square, sleep for free in Stirling Castle and be able to buy discounted furniture from Dougie Donnelly.

Raith Rovers fan Gordon Brown was said to be furious with George Bush after discovering he is a Dunfermline supporter. A Whitehouse spokesman said the President always prefers his stars'n'stripes.

Following the split from his girlfriend Kate Middleton, Prince William has told friends he feels completely and utterly lost - so he has decided to join the Royal Navy.

The Scottish Tories say they will promote a healthy diet for all Scots by concentrating only on Bread and Butter issues.

The BBC is to screen a new comedy which is described as a blend of NatureWatch and the Vicar of Dibley - the programme is to be called The Bird of Prey.

A neighbourhood Watch scheme in Morningside has been accused of wasting Police time after reporting a murder of hooded crows in the local woods.

The SNP's Angus MacNeil claims his romp with two teenagers was all part of their education about politics - in particular, how to hold an election.

Lee Miller has apologised for baring his backside to Dundee Utd fans. A fans' spokesman said they appreciated the gesture and they are over the moon.

Keith Richards insists he would never snort anyone's remains again after a bad trip last year with the ashes of Alexander Litvinenko.

No breaks for the 15 navy marines freed from Iran as they are to be sent immediately to police another water conflict zone - they are to patrol Loch Lomond Shores at the Glasgow Fair weekend.

Following the success of the Roman epic I, Claudius the BBC is to screen a new film about the Viking invasion of Britain called I, Kea.

Shirley McKie flew in from exile in Australia this week to announce her support for the Green Party - and immediately flew back after questions about the size of her carbon footprint.

Alex Salmond says all bridge tolls should be scrapped because everybody else should be like him and be able to walk on water.

England Cricket captain Michael Vaughan has been arrested for the murder of Bob Woolmer in Jamaica. In a statement he said 'after the funeral, it was the only way the team could return home with the Ashes'.

A trial of free crossings on the Tay Road bridge had to be scrapped this week after a stampede by Aberdonian commuters

Labels: , , , ,

Monday, February 26, 2007

February 2007 Political Gags

Relations between France and Britain reached a new low this week after P&O commissioned the building of 2 new Roll-On-Bugger-Off ferries for Channel crossings.

Ken Livingstone says that Government ministers responsible for the £9bn Olympics fiasco should be asked to take part in the games in the Catching the Javelin event.

In order to pay for the 2012 games the Government proposes to change the name of the International Olympic Committee - the I.O.C to the International Olympic Union - the I.O.U.

Following the Oscar win of 'The Last King of Scotland' Hollywood is planning a sequel about the demise of Idi Amin called 'Black Jock Down'.

Boffins at the MOD have developed a new type of invisible face-paint for Prince Harry in Iraq. Trials of the camouflage on John Prescott were reported as 100% successful as he hasn't been seen for months.

The TUC launched a campaign this week to highlight the excessive amount of unpaid overtime in the UK with the slogan "ITS FRIDAY, ITS 5 O'CLOCK, ITS............are you still here ?"

Prince Harry says he is well prepared for being sent into a heavily-armed conflict zone after his regiment, the Blues and Royals, spent a recent Tour of Duty in Peckham, South London.

The Blood Transfusion Service has recruited Stella McCartney, Will Carling and Pete Doherty for a new Ad to encourage donors with the slogan "We’ve got a pint of Stella, a pint of Carling and a pint of Coke".

Environmentalists have warned that sea-level rises around Britain may not be due to global warming but because fat Britons are now officially the heaviest in Europe.

Prince Harry says he is well prepared for Iraq having watched the Army Training Video 'Ginger in a Conflict Zone' - Anne Robinson's story of her time on The Weakest Link.

A new statue of Margaret Thatcher has been created for the House of Commons. The head and body are made of steel as a tribute to the Iron Lady and, for her contribution of the Council Tax, they are connected by a complete Brassneck.

A new green brochure was released this week called 'How to Get Rid of Your Carbon Footprint' written by Al Gore and Shirley McKie.

The Tory revival continued this week after they soared upwards to a record opinion poll rating of 42%. David Cameron responded to the news by saying that not since 1979 at Eton had he ever been so high.

Following the success of Life on Mars the BBC is to commission a new series starring Gillian McKeith called Life on Uranus.

Tony Blair says the recent shooting of children in London is not due to poverty, drugs or crime but must be blamed solely on Iran.

Friends star Jennifer Aniston denies having an abortive nose-job and that she has been suffering since with severe post-nasal depression.

A premature-born baby has been saved this week by using the impotence drug Viagra. Doctors say the normal function of the drug will also prevent him from rolling out of his cot.

Poo analyst Gillian McKeith says she will drop the Dr. from her name and now wishes to be known simply as Gillian McKeech.

David Cameron says child misbehaviour can be blamed directly on absent fathers. The Catholic Church has responded saying there was a significant reduction in the number of priests throwing a sickie this year.

Lawyers for Channel 4 say the episode of Glitzy Tits and Bitchy Fits has ended in a series of Brisky Writs after the Risky Brits.

Poo practitioner Gillian McKeith says she will continue to use Dr. before her name as she is proud of the work contained in her Doctoral Faeces, for which she gained a turd class honours at the University of St. Andrex.

A UNICEF report on child welfare has placed the UK at the bottom of the league. The Government say it is doing all it can to climb back up the table and has asked Portsmouth for permission to speak to Harry Redknapp.

The UNICEF report also claims a lack of sensitivity towards Britain's yobs is causing the youngsters extreme psychological harm in what they describe as the Broody Moody Hoody Syndrome.

Internet shoppers who buy their groceries on-line have complained that for each bag of shopping delivered there are always 15 extra tins of Spam to deal with.

Rangers and Celtic are set to boost season ticket sales by offering free Viagra to OAPs under a scheme called 'Help the Old Firm'.

Jade Goody is planning to release her autobiography in installments via mobile phones. Her book is called The Happy Slapper.

250 new Prison Guards graduated today as Home Office Minister John Reid took the salute at a Slopping-Out Ceremony in Perth.

After another bird-flu scare EU Foreign Ministers vow they will never let Turkey into Europe.


  • OK brother, Osama Bin Laden wishes you infinite glory on this mission against the infidels and if you are intercepted by the CIA or MI5 you must swallow immediately this pill.
  • Yes, brother, what is it ? Cyanide, Arsenic, Polonium 210?
  • No, its a Turkey Twizzler.
"All turkey products are safe to eat and are nuritious, delicious and healthy" - according to the spokesman for the BMA - the Bernard Matthews Association.

Labels: , , , ,

Sunday, January 28, 2007

January 2007 Political Gags

Anti-terrorist police have raided a Florists in Basingstoke following the discovery of a Geranium Enrichment Plant.

The Blood Transfusion Service has recruited Stella McCartney, David Tennant and Michelle McManus for a new ad to encourage donors with the slogan ‘We’ve got a pint of Stella, Tennants and Heavy’.

After signing for LA Galaxy, David Beckham has vowed to also support the Flakers and the Jammy Dodgers.

TESCO have celebrated the opening of their first store in Baghdad by giving a 2-for-1 offer on Sunni Delight, lemon Kurd and Mullah Rice.

Following their success in re-decorating a Glasgow Housing Scheme, Colin and Justin have been invited to Baghdad where they hope to expand the city's Green Zone into a nice Egg-Shell White and Aubergine-Terracotta Zone.

Drug addicts are to be offered shopping vouchers in a bid to help them kick the habit and help encourage e-commerce.

The pilot's union BALPA has announced they will support the strike by BA cabin crew by providing 300 flying pickets.

Following her husband's $128 million transfer, Posh Spice has been offered the lead role in a Hollywood film called 'Spend It like Beckham'.

Lord Advocate Colin Boyd QC has denied that the letters after his name stand for 'Questions for Cash' and that he has been caught by the post-nominals.

The SFA are to commission a special film as a tribute to their last three management teams. The film begins with 'Tom and Gerry' , follows with 'When Barry Met Ally' and finishes with 'The Eck-Factor'.

Allegations of collusion in the 1990s this week between the RUC, UDA and DoE to form a group called CU-UR-DEAD.

Hollywood has made an offer to Jade Goody to star in a Western with Clint Eastwood in which she plays 3 main roles. The film is called The Goody, the Baddie and the Ugly.

MTV is to screen a special tribute concert by The Electric Light Orchestra - Unplugged, followed by The Darkness.

On a visit to Bombay, Gordon Brown claims he was not comparing himself to a great Indian leader but to Scottish Health Minister Ghandi Kerr.

Jade Goody says she accepts completely the accusations of racism levelled at her as she ran last years London marathon.

Unlike Tony Blair, Gordon Brown and his advisor Ed Balls have declined an invitation to holiday at the Miami home of Robin Gibb fearing of accusations of impropriety. The Sun carried the headline 'EB,GB in Bee-Gee B'n'B TB Hee-Bee Gee-Bees'.

Following the recent extreme weather the BBC have received a record number of complaints that TV viewers were only able to see the Flood Alert after the watershed.

Fears of massive job losses in ship yards on the Clyde this week after the Government announced the building of 2 new P-45 type frigates.

Disappointment for supporters of the Union as a new survey revealed that 95% of the English thought that 1707 mean't they had missed the 5 O'clock train.

The Government has been criticised this week for putting Britain at risk by not issuing warnings about foreign criminal records after the release of a new Julio Iglesias CD in the UK.

Following the success of 'The Last King of Scotland' Hollywood is to release a sequel about the downfall of Idi Amin called 'Black Jock Down'.

Morrissey claims he should represent the UK in the Eurovision Song Contest because he knows the difference between J'en ai Marre and Johnny Marr.

Tony Blair has warned there are no shortcuts in combatting global warming and that he is in it for the long haul.

Following the Ipswich prostitute murders Suffolk police have issued a warning to the Norfolk Broads.

Women who smuggle drugs using tampons will face prison for trafficking crack cocaine.

Eczema charities have been warned that they face prosecution if they continue to raise funds using scratchcards.

The Press Complaints Commision is to investigate a tabloid story that Lady Diana was pregnant before the Paris crash with the headline "Daddy Dodi and Di Die in Danger Dash and Dunt".

A Little Chef roadside cafe has been spared closure after it won 3 Michelin tyres for the quality of its all-day fry-ups.

Anti-Europe campaigners have described the EU beef and butter mountains as the high steaks involved with a slippery slope to federalism.

Gordon Ramsay has agreed to become a patron of the Tourettes Society and was sworn in today at a ceremony in Cockfosters.

The Government has encouraged British scientists to take the lead in stem cell research and not to dilly-dolly on the way.

In a speech on the Protestant Working Class, Ian Paisley has expressed his solidarity with Guantanamo inmates saying he has always supported Orangemen in boilersuits.

In a world-first, Madonna is to play a concert Saudi Arabia on her "Madge-at-the-Haj" tour.

Following his resignation over Trident, Malcolm Chisholm says he is relieved to be away from the pressure of front-line politics and, in particular, from Life in the Faslane.

After the success of his new year speech on YouTube, supporters can now chat on-line with Alex Salmond using MSNp.

The Celtic management say they will support Thomas Gravesen in his row with the press regarding his soft-porn girlfriend by making him vice-captain of the club.

Risky and unstable coaches are an accident waiting to happen, according to Sir David Murray, chairman of Rangers

Labels: , , ,

Monday, December 04, 2006

December 2006 Political Gags

Psychiatrists have discovered a new illness which is described as a fear of outdoor sex known as Viagraphobia.

Following the Polonium 2.10 poisoning, Michael Barrymore was rushed to hospital with radiation sickness after swallowing some Palladium 7.30 in order to revive his career.

Pakistan claims India has tested an atomic bomb following the sighting of a mushroom pakora cloud in Kashmir.

Jack McConnell says he is delighted to be the first to second the third Forth-firth road bridge.

Ex-player John Brown has been denied a visa to follow Rangers in Israel after he admitted that in the 1980’s he was the Souey-side Bomber.

AC Milan fans have come up with a new chant to counter any on-field aggression from Bobo Balde by singing “Berlusconi Get Yae”.

The Palestinian Liberation Group says they will welcome Rangers to the middle-east, and anyone else with PLG written on their backs.

Vladimir Romanov has dismissed claims that he is laundering money in Hearts by saying they have not kept a clean sheet in months and his players refuse to tumble in the box.

Donald Rumsfeld has appealed for clemency for Saddam Hussein saying he deserves a fate worse than death and should be reappointed immediately as President of Iraq.

Scottish Enterprise has released a DVD to help local companies avoid pitfalls when competing in Europe. The DVD lasts 90 minutes with a foreword by Gordon Strachan.

Following the revelation that Glasgow Council leader Steven Purcell is gay, LibDem MSPs have announced that they are going straight.

A new Glaswegian on-line auction site for unwanted tat given as Christmas presents was launched this week called Jo-Bay.

Scientists have confirmed that this year’s first sightings of the Northern Lights were false and were put down to Aberdeen manager Jimmy Calderwood out hill-walking.

A Scottish Executive report into sex trafficking has revealed immigrants are being used as Pole dancers and Lapp dancers.

Farepak campaigners have said they will do all they can to hamper a HBOS champagne party in Edinburgh.

Following the death of the dictator General Pinochet a chef in a Mexican restaurant has created a new dish in his memory called Chile con Carnage.

Sir Paul McCartney is to contest claims of domestic abuse by claiming he has never had a hit in 15 years and his last 3 efforts have really failed to set the Heather on fire.

Gordon Brown is said to be delighted with new adviser Al Gore’s first recommendation of a mass inoculation of the British public against TB.

Environmentalists have identified office toilets as a target for reducing carbon emissions. George Bush has responded by saying he will cut Whitehouse Out-house Greenhouse gases.

Gordon Strachan says it is now unlikely that David Beckham will sign for Celtic following his gaffe when he thought Posh Spice was putting sea-salt and balsamic vinegar on your chips.

The row over Fat Cat salaries surfaced again this week after the director of the GHA asked to be placed on a JK Rolling contract.

Manchester City footballer Joey Barton, who exposed his rear end to Everton fans, has expressed his relief at the lightness of his sentence saying he was over the moon.

A thief who stole 100 Blackberry PDAs, 300 Apple computers and 200 Orange mobiles has been constantly on the run since Police pressed charges against him.

Following the success of a cartoon about the life of John Paul II the Vatican is to release another animation about the relationship between Cardinal Winning and the current Pope. The cartoon is to be called Tom & Jerry.

Tony Blair has denied tampering with a report into the wearing of veils in schools following accusations of a cover up.

The Pope has denied causing offence on his visit to Turkey by asking for a Madonna kebab for his lunch.

Scientists have warned of the unintended consequences of global warming following the news that the Arctic Monkeys have split.

A Green Party Ceilidh to raise funds against deforestation descended into violence during an extended version of Strip the Willow.

Following shock poverty figures in Glasgow pop diva Madonna has strongly denied claims she is to adopt a baby from Shettleston.

Tony Blair claims that Britain will not be allowed to become a nuclear waste dumping ground following the burial of Alexander Litvinenko in a North London cemetery.

Forensic scientists carrying out the post-mortem on poisoned Russian Spy Alexander Litvinenko have strongly denied finding traces of Scottish farmed salmon in his blood.

John Le Carré is to release a new spy novel called Tinker, Tailor, Sushi, Die.

Downing Street has acknowledged that half of New Labour have been recruited by the KGB. It is a new pressure group called Keep-out Gordon Brown.

The Western Isles Council has sanctioned the re-naming of a Stornoway street as a tribute to schoolgirl Molly Campbell. The street is to be called Misbah Rana Way.

Holyrood has passed a bill stating that all new Public toilets will have to be built using PPP.

The Pope has denied causing offence on his visit to Turkey by asking for a Madonna kebab for his lunch.

David Milliband and Peter Mandelson have been accused of interfering in the Misbah Rana controversy in what has become known as the Milly-Molly-Mandy affair.

Labels: , , , ,