Scottish Political Gags January 2008

HECTOR, one of the world’s most powerful super-computers, was unveiled this week at the University of Edinburgh. It will be used for meteorology, space research and all future CIS Cup draws.

Donald Trump says he is fed-up with Scotland and has revealed plans for the World’s first 17-hole golf course in Northern Ireland because Martin McGuiness and Gerry Adams refused to walk on the 12^th.

Tommy Sheridan was seen rushing to the scene of the Glasgow Squinty Bridge accident after he heard it had began swinging in the middle of the night.

A leading fertility expert says the squinty Bridge accident was caused by failing nuts and poor erection leading to a lack of stiffness in the collapsing member.

The head of American Homeland Security says Europe now represents biggest terrorist threat to his country following the formation of a Swedish Jihadist group called Ikea-Da.

The boss of a chain of sperm banks has been accused of arranging donations to help labour.

Scottish Footballers must be more careful about what they post on on-line lifestyle sites such as Facebook according to the players spokesperson Bebo Balde.

Following their recent good behaviour UEFA have given Rangers supporters special dispensation to sing the Sash during the transfer window.

New Hibs boss Mixu Paateleinen says his first signing will be an Italian Finisher – Chianti Niemi.

Ex-Newcastle boss Sam Allardyce has denied calling supporters the Dark Side of the Toon and Animals and says it was just a Floydian slip.

Sam Allardyce has refused to blame injuries to key players for his sacking at Newcastle but he did want to change the shirt sponsor to Northern Crock.

On Merseyside, five burglars have admitted breaking into Liverpool players’ homes while they were playing away in Europe but they deny theft as they couldn’t find any silverware.

Hundreds of Scots women fear they have had their IDs stolen after reporting highly unusual spending patterns on their store cards - nothing had been spent during the first 2 weeks of the January sales.

Strathclyde Police have uncovered details of hundreds of torture flights leaving from Glasgow Airport last year. All of the victims had their passports stamped in Milan, Kiev and Lisbon and were wearing Celtic strips at the time.

(Knock on farmer’s door)

• Evenin’ Sir, we’re from DEFRA – I’m afraid we’re going to have to cull all your cattle.
• Whit!?...You must be jokin’ – whit’s ‘rang wi’ them?
• Its Bluenose.
• Whi’…d’ye no’ mean…Bluetongue?
• Naw, definitely Bluenose, y’see these are all Brigton Dairy Coos.

In the race for the White House, Hilary Clinton says voter memories of Monica Lewinski helped her to really blow the Iowa Caucus.

Will Smith is to star in the sequel to the blockbuster I am Legend. Set in Glasgow in 2006 he plays a lone survivor in a hostile city under constant attack in a disaster movie called I am Leguen.

Workers in Aberdeen will be the first in the UK to be paid £1000 for stress during equal pay negotiations. Spokesman for the workers, Jimmy Calderwood, said he would use the money in the transfer window.

Andreas Hinkel says he is delighted to be following in the foosteps of other great German Celts like Raus Wallace, Rafael Scheisse, Wee Joe Müller, Harald Braatwürst, Hock Stein, Franz MacAvennie, Gerry Creaney and Celtic's founding father Brother Walfritz.