September 2006 Political Gags
Archbishop Mario Conti has denied that his support for the fire fighters can be put down to his fear of the big bad burny fire.
Strathclyde Police have taken delivery of a new computer system to help train officers how to behave in a politically correct manner. The system is called the PC PC PC.
Esther Rantzen has teamed up with RyanAir to promote their new one-way flights designed to help children escape from third-world poverty and oppression. The first flight is scheduled from Stornoway to Lahore this week.
The postcode lottery for fertility treatment in Edinburgh took a new twist this week when an MSP asked why one of her constituents with the postcode EH3 IVF was successful and the other who lives at EN0 KID was not.
In a bid to increase accessibility the Church of Scotland this week broadcast their first live internet church service. The web address is http://www.cam-all-ye-faithful.com/ while the service can be viewed in the Western Isles on wee Free View.
Campaigners have warned again about the dangers of approaching wild animals after a ball boy panicked when he came within 10 metres of Andy Murray at the US Open this week.
Glasgow Council leader Steven Purcell claims that the new super casino will create 2500 new jobs for the city, with the breakdown being 100 croupiers, 100 cleaners and 2300 loan sharks.
Scottish Vodka distillers are worried that new European legislation requiring vodka to be made solely from potatoes or grain will lead to a severe cut in production. A spokesperson for the distillers, Chloe Burns, aged 8 of Burdiehouse, Edinburgh said it was a disgrace and would lead to shortages in primary schools.
A survey has revealed that Scots kids are the laziest in the UK. 20% questioned said they enjoyed taking part in sports while the other 80% said they couldn’t be arsed replying to the questions and wanted to get back to their playstations.
Defence Minister Des Browne has described reports of faulty weapons in the armed forces in Afghanistan as a 'cheap shot' and 'bang out of order'.
Al-Qaeda cells are now coming out of the closet according to intelligence reports from MFI5.
The bitter in-fighting between No.10 and No.11 continued this week although James McFadden insisted he will take the penalties before Kris Boyd.
Police believe the severed arm of a woman found on the M8 occurred when she was pulled over suddenly on the hard shoulder.
A policewoman dressed as a prostitute has helped trap a gang of sex traffickers who used a fishing boat as cover. A spokeswoman said the gang took the bait sink, line and hooker.
Film stars looking for religious succour are abandoning scientology for a new form of TV evangelism known as Richard and Judaism.
In a bid to promote religious tolerance a Rangers-supporting muslim couple have named their first-born son Halally McCoist.
Authorities in Moscow have decided not to jail Madonna following her concert crucifixion scene but will instead hand her a suspended sentence.
The Pope has further outraged Islam in a speech by comparing it to a light entertainment show when he said “How do you solve a problem like Sharia?”.
Claire Short has resigned from New Labour in order to search for a new boyfriend and will dedicate her time to promoting the benefits of a well-hung parliament.
After an accident involving a downed Apache helicopter the US Air Force has blamed the maintenance crew describing them as a complete bunch of cowboys.
Police at Glasgow Airport are to target drinkers prior to boarding their flights using a new group of ruthless, zero-tolerance officers to be known as The Swallyban.
Following recent organ retention scandals in the NHS Doctors now say they are winning the battle for hearts and minds.
George Bush denies simplifying the troubles in Lebanon when he described the situation as Islamabaddies versus goodyJewshoes.
A new star sign has been created for people born on the cusp of Aires and Pisces. The symbol is a drawing of two cheeks and the sign will be known as Airsces.
Women can now order a vibrating sex toy on line using the new internet search engine called Shoogle.
MI5 has foiled a plan to merge Al-Qaeda and the IRA following Operation JihadiPaddy.
George Bush has been accused by the Arab world of seeing the problems in the middle-east through rose-tinted synagoggles.
World leaders were delighted at the announcement of the merger of Fatah and Hamas in Palestine to form a new heavyweight party called Hamafatahs.
Amnesty has accused Israel of deliberately attacking the only Lebanese naturist resort using scud missiles in the buffer zone.
David Cameron has defended the new Tory logo of a tree and, in order to appease old Tories, he has also promised to bring back the birch.
Scientists testing a new cure for acne on mice say that the rodents showed signs of severe depression when they refused to budge from a showing of River City.
Gangland’s Paul Ferris will not make any profit from a poem he penned for his murdered friends after Justice Minister Cathy Jamieson said that Rhyme Doesn’t Pay.
Crash investigators say the likely cause of Richard Hammond’s high-speed accident was that he slipped off of his booster seat at 300 mph.
After the football bung scandal the world of tennis is in shock following the news that police have smashed a network of backhanders and racketeering. Players found guilty will serve 20 years with no breaks in the grand slammer.
Richard Branson has announced all of his company profits will go into research for new aviation bio-fuels. In the meantime his planes will use only extra-Virgin olive oil.
Strathclyde Police have taken delivery of a new computer system to help train officers how to behave in a politically correct manner. The system is called the PC PC PC.
Esther Rantzen has teamed up with RyanAir to promote their new one-way flights designed to help children escape from third-world poverty and oppression. The first flight is scheduled from Stornoway to Lahore this week.
The postcode lottery for fertility treatment in Edinburgh took a new twist this week when an MSP asked why one of her constituents with the postcode EH3 IVF was successful and the other who lives at EN0 KID was not.
In a bid to increase accessibility the Church of Scotland this week broadcast their first live internet church service. The web address is http://www.cam-all-ye-faithful.com/ while the service can be viewed in the Western Isles on wee Free View.
Campaigners have warned again about the dangers of approaching wild animals after a ball boy panicked when he came within 10 metres of Andy Murray at the US Open this week.
Glasgow Council leader Steven Purcell claims that the new super casino will create 2500 new jobs for the city, with the breakdown being 100 croupiers, 100 cleaners and 2300 loan sharks.
Scottish Vodka distillers are worried that new European legislation requiring vodka to be made solely from potatoes or grain will lead to a severe cut in production. A spokesperson for the distillers, Chloe Burns, aged 8 of Burdiehouse, Edinburgh said it was a disgrace and would lead to shortages in primary schools.
A survey has revealed that Scots kids are the laziest in the UK. 20% questioned said they enjoyed taking part in sports while the other 80% said they couldn’t be arsed replying to the questions and wanted to get back to their playstations.
Defence Minister Des Browne has described reports of faulty weapons in the armed forces in Afghanistan as a 'cheap shot' and 'bang out of order'.
Al-Qaeda cells are now coming out of the closet according to intelligence reports from MFI5.
The bitter in-fighting between No.10 and No.11 continued this week although James McFadden insisted he will take the penalties before Kris Boyd.
Police believe the severed arm of a woman found on the M8 occurred when she was pulled over suddenly on the hard shoulder.
A policewoman dressed as a prostitute has helped trap a gang of sex traffickers who used a fishing boat as cover. A spokeswoman said the gang took the bait sink, line and hooker.
Film stars looking for religious succour are abandoning scientology for a new form of TV evangelism known as Richard and Judaism.
In a bid to promote religious tolerance a Rangers-supporting muslim couple have named their first-born son Halally McCoist.
Authorities in Moscow have decided not to jail Madonna following her concert crucifixion scene but will instead hand her a suspended sentence.
The Pope has further outraged Islam in a speech by comparing it to a light entertainment show when he said “How do you solve a problem like Sharia?”.
Claire Short has resigned from New Labour in order to search for a new boyfriend and will dedicate her time to promoting the benefits of a well-hung parliament.
After an accident involving a downed Apache helicopter the US Air Force has blamed the maintenance crew describing them as a complete bunch of cowboys.
Police at Glasgow Airport are to target drinkers prior to boarding their flights using a new group of ruthless, zero-tolerance officers to be known as The Swallyban.
Following recent organ retention scandals in the NHS Doctors now say they are winning the battle for hearts and minds.
George Bush denies simplifying the troubles in Lebanon when he described the situation as Islamabaddies versus goodyJewshoes.
A new star sign has been created for people born on the cusp of Aires and Pisces. The symbol is a drawing of two cheeks and the sign will be known as Airsces.
Women can now order a vibrating sex toy on line using the new internet search engine called Shoogle.
MI5 has foiled a plan to merge Al-Qaeda and the IRA following Operation JihadiPaddy.
George Bush has been accused by the Arab world of seeing the problems in the middle-east through rose-tinted synagoggles.
World leaders were delighted at the announcement of the merger of Fatah and Hamas in Palestine to form a new heavyweight party called Hamafatahs.
Amnesty has accused Israel of deliberately attacking the only Lebanese naturist resort using scud missiles in the buffer zone.
David Cameron has defended the new Tory logo of a tree and, in order to appease old Tories, he has also promised to bring back the birch.
Scientists testing a new cure for acne on mice say that the rodents showed signs of severe depression when they refused to budge from a showing of River City.
Gangland’s Paul Ferris will not make any profit from a poem he penned for his murdered friends after Justice Minister Cathy Jamieson said that Rhyme Doesn’t Pay.
Crash investigators say the likely cause of Richard Hammond’s high-speed accident was that he slipped off of his booster seat at 300 mph.
After the football bung scandal the world of tennis is in shock following the news that police have smashed a network of backhanders and racketeering. Players found guilty will serve 20 years with no breaks in the grand slammer.
Richard Branson has announced all of his company profits will go into research for new aviation bio-fuels. In the meantime his planes will use only extra-Virgin olive oil.
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