August 2006 Political Gags
Following his sex scandal trial Tommy Sheridan is now to face charges of embezzling SSP finances. He is accused of massaging the figures, fiddling with his ledger and leaving a deposit in an Isa and a Tessa.
Following increased sightings of whales and dolphins this year green MSPs have described Scotland’s polluted coastline as ‘not fit for porpoise’.
There was confusion in Scottish Politics this week when Reuters announced that 3 MSPs had a private meeting with the ailing Cuban leader Fidel Castro. A Havana spokesman cleared up the issue by revealing that the MSPs were, in fact, Welsh rockers the Manic Street Preachers.
World leaders have welcomed the deployment of an international peacekeeping force for the middle-east. Mid Calder residents say it will help enforce the buffer zone between them and Broxburn neds on a Saturday night.
Following the Tommy Sheridan sex scandal trial the SSP now plans to target swinging voters, gain maximum exposure and provide voter information on how to hold an election.
London’s annual oversized genitalia competition was forced to cancel this week following the announcement of another hosepipe ban.
In the High Court, a man arrested by police after stealing 1000 pairs of swimming trunks has admitted to being a convicted speedophile.
10 Firefighters who refused to distribute leaflets at a gay pride rally have described the leaflets as inappropriate as they contained advice about dangers of illegal arson, problems of backdraft when entering a hot tunnel and showed a graphic image of a fireman’s helmet
World 100m sprint champion Justin Gatlin has denied accusations of steroid doping, claiming that his shoes had been spiked prior to the race
Plans to disperse beggars on Aberdeen’s Union Street have led to accusations of hobophobia against city councillors.
Channel 4 is to release a new reality TV show set in a convent full of overweight nuns. The programme is to be called Big Sister.
Tony Blair aims to forget the controversy surrounding the transit of arms to Israel when he holidays on the Caribbean island of Grenada.
Rangers players are said to be delighted with new manager Paul le Guen’s strict food diet which includes Duck a l’orange , Lanark blue cheese and Dairy Walls ice cream.
Defence minister Des Browne has described reports that Britain is losing the war in Afghanistan as complete and utter Kabulshit.
Following the TV programme about fishing in the North Sea, Peterhead trawlermen have described the BBC’s need for subtitles as a ‘Piece of Buchan nonsense’.
After the night of the long knives, the SSP is to split and will now be known as the SS.
The German Government has announced a crackdown on rowdy Scots on Stag weekends by introducing a mandatory 2 week prison sentence in Berlinnie.
In order to combat an increase in staff abuse by angry customers TESCO has announced a new campaign called ‘Every Little Skelps’.
A new TV addiction centre has opened this week in the Channel Islands.
Ken Dodd is to present a TV programme following the lives of neds on a Scottish Island. The programme is to be called ‘Jura Wee Diddy Man’.
The Government provoked the ire of free-marketeers this week when it announced that all internet banking should be conducted through HSBC. A government spokesman clarified the issue by announcing that HSBC stood for high speed broadband connection.
Ex-Kojak star Telly Savalas has announced that he has officially retired from acting and will now take up a new career as a Lollipop man.
Professor Norman Gorman of the BMA described a new medical treatment this week for the wives of polygamists during the menopause. The treatment is to be called the Norman Gorman Mormon Hormone replacement therapy.
A man whose house collapsed under the weight of thousands of stolen historical books about Bodicea, Joan of Arc, Florence Nightingale and Margaret Thatcher was arrested this week for heroine addiction.
Traffic police have arrested fifteen drivers of a funeral cortège on the M8 after they were caught undertaking on the inside.
The leader of the SSP has issued desperate plea calling for ‘party unity for Fox sake’.
Fans who sing sectarian slogans at Ibrox are to be issued with a new type of ASBO which stands for ‘Anybody Singing BillyBoys is Out’
Following a gorse fire near the Scottish Parliament, Firefighters have layed the blame on a ’whole series of doubts lying around about Mike Watson’s future’.
A new range kitchen utensils designed specifically for athletes on the go was revealed at an Alf Tupperware party in Birmingham this week.
Doctors have revealed a new psychiatric condition to describe women who become aggressive and annoying after failed cosmetic surgery. They are to be known as Botoxymorons.
A new coffee and comedy club has opened in Liverpool this week called Jimmy Starbucks.
Trials took place in West Lothian this week for a new drug to cure baldness. The drug is to be called the Barnett formula.
Following the withdrawal of a bad batch of Viagra this week the pharmaceutical industry has announced that annual profits have shrivelled.
A new low-fat food cooker for health-conscious comedy-musicians has been released called the George Formby Grill.
A Scottish actor who starred in the Lord of the Rings was arrested at Ibrox last week when he introduced himself to the crowd by saying ‘Hello, hello, I am the Billy Boyd’.
Football fan Sir Sean Connery has revealed he will buy a season ticket for Villa park this year as he has always been a big fan of Aston Martins.
Celtic’s Neil Lennon put his defensive gaffe against Hearts down to the fact that he was completely Naka’d after the long flight from Japan.
Secret plans to pump water from Scotland to the South East of England were revealed when a Scottish Water report was leaked after one of their phones was tapped.
Worried farmers are concerned that an increase in impotency levels in male sheep will hit sales of rack of lamb due to the lack of ram.
A government think tank has announced plans to reduce unemployment by providing free semi-skilled Milk to job seekers
Eric Lampton, the new BNP MP for Tooting South, has agreed to join the Foreign Affairs Select Committee Immigration Study Team on realising that he would become a member of a FASCIST group.
A lonely hearts club for archaeologists has just been formed and is to be known as the Carbon Dating Agency.
An oriental chef has created a new dish that has been described as an East-West marriage. The dish is to be called the Thai Bridie.
A call-centre employee, sacked for criticising his company on-line, was said to be at bloggerheads with his employer.
Sheik Mohammed is to move from horse racing into pigeon racing following the success of his first bird called Abu Dhabi Doo.
The Pope has denied taking payments from the Poultry Association after revealing he eats a plate of Eggs Benedict each day for breakfast.
Dutch chiropodists have warned hill-walkers that excessive wearing of wooden shoes can lead to clogged arteries.
The BBC is to screen a new historical series about a promiscuous Roman princess who bedded over 200 centurions. The series is to be called I, Clamidia.
Following the news that The Sun has taken the lead in the tabloid sales war the editor of The Record has been asked to take a long, hard look in The Mirror.
Hovis has released a new type of bread which is said to promote youthful skin. The bread is called the peter pan loaf.
A survey of casual drug users has confirmed that smoking cannabis does lead to health problems. 80% of men asked said they had recently developed a pot belly and had problems with their joints.
A baby boom among protestants in Northern Ireland has been put down to free UVF treatment for couples on the NHS.
Hairdressers in Edinburgh have complained about a loss in custom following severe cuts to the fringe this year.
Vegetarian couples who have difficulty conceiving are now to be offered IVF treatment using free-range, organic eggs on the NHS.
The Catholic church has denied plans for a mass contraception programme by sponsoring all extra-virgin olive oil brands.
A taxi-driver has been arrested by police after he took an allergic reaction to the cannabis he was trafficking. Doctors said they had never seen such a bad case of Wacky Baccy Hackney Acne.
Paul le Guen says his communication skills continue to improve and he has taken on the same English language tutor who worked wonders with Stilian Petrov, Sebastian Rosenthal and Barry Ferguson.
The Government has urged all gardeners to mix a crushed Rennie in with their plant food in order to reduce the emission of greenhouse gases.
A Russian air hostess was praised for her quick thinking when she defused a bomb on an internal flight by slipping 2 tranquilisers into the drink of Fernando Ricksen.
ADVERT
(gritty serious American sales pitch)
By the end of this ad you will believe in the impossible. You will believe in the power of the mind and intellect to overcome the forces of evil. You will believe that one man can rise from nowhere to lead his country away from the tyranny of doubt, fear and terror…
Dr. John Reid’s Brainwash Training Game, available from all good stockists now. You better believe it.
Thousands of satellite navigation systems were recalled this week when they all refused to give directions to Cumbernauld.
Bookies are refusing to take any more bets on the winner of this year’s Orange prize for fiction being UN resolution 1559 by ambassador John Bolton.
Illegal raves are making a comeback and middle-aged couples are taking advantage by mixing e-tablets and Viagra at their own flaccid house parties.
Celtic’s new signing Vennegoor of Hesselink is to be sponsored by the Indian restaurant the Koh-I-Noor of Castlemilk.
The Government has released guidance to describe 5 new terror level threats as mild, dangerous, severe, critical and Prescott.
Britain’s population surpassed the 60 million mark this week thanks mainly to a rapid increase in the number of born-again Christians.
Police fear that an armed gang is responsible for the spate of missing road signs around Haddington and are likely to melt the Aluminium down to make a gun that can fire in15 directions at any one time.
Following increased sightings of whales and dolphins this year green MSPs have described Scotland’s polluted coastline as ‘not fit for porpoise’.
There was confusion in Scottish Politics this week when Reuters announced that 3 MSPs had a private meeting with the ailing Cuban leader Fidel Castro. A Havana spokesman cleared up the issue by revealing that the MSPs were, in fact, Welsh rockers the Manic Street Preachers.
World leaders have welcomed the deployment of an international peacekeeping force for the middle-east. Mid Calder residents say it will help enforce the buffer zone between them and Broxburn neds on a Saturday night.
Following the Tommy Sheridan sex scandal trial the SSP now plans to target swinging voters, gain maximum exposure and provide voter information on how to hold an election.
London’s annual oversized genitalia competition was forced to cancel this week following the announcement of another hosepipe ban.
In the High Court, a man arrested by police after stealing 1000 pairs of swimming trunks has admitted to being a convicted speedophile.
10 Firefighters who refused to distribute leaflets at a gay pride rally have described the leaflets as inappropriate as they contained advice about dangers of illegal arson, problems of backdraft when entering a hot tunnel and showed a graphic image of a fireman’s helmet
World 100m sprint champion Justin Gatlin has denied accusations of steroid doping, claiming that his shoes had been spiked prior to the race
Plans to disperse beggars on Aberdeen’s Union Street have led to accusations of hobophobia against city councillors.
Channel 4 is to release a new reality TV show set in a convent full of overweight nuns. The programme is to be called Big Sister.
Tony Blair aims to forget the controversy surrounding the transit of arms to Israel when he holidays on the Caribbean island of Grenada.
Rangers players are said to be delighted with new manager Paul le Guen’s strict food diet which includes Duck a l’orange , Lanark blue cheese and Dairy Walls ice cream.
Defence minister Des Browne has described reports that Britain is losing the war in Afghanistan as complete and utter Kabulshit.
Following the TV programme about fishing in the North Sea, Peterhead trawlermen have described the BBC’s need for subtitles as a ‘Piece of Buchan nonsense’.
After the night of the long knives, the SSP is to split and will now be known as the SS.
The German Government has announced a crackdown on rowdy Scots on Stag weekends by introducing a mandatory 2 week prison sentence in Berlinnie.
In order to combat an increase in staff abuse by angry customers TESCO has announced a new campaign called ‘Every Little Skelps’.
A new TV addiction centre has opened this week in the Channel Islands.
Ken Dodd is to present a TV programme following the lives of neds on a Scottish Island. The programme is to be called ‘Jura Wee Diddy Man’.
The Government provoked the ire of free-marketeers this week when it announced that all internet banking should be conducted through HSBC. A government spokesman clarified the issue by announcing that HSBC stood for high speed broadband connection.
Ex-Kojak star Telly Savalas has announced that he has officially retired from acting and will now take up a new career as a Lollipop man.
Professor Norman Gorman of the BMA described a new medical treatment this week for the wives of polygamists during the menopause. The treatment is to be called the Norman Gorman Mormon Hormone replacement therapy.
A man whose house collapsed under the weight of thousands of stolen historical books about Bodicea, Joan of Arc, Florence Nightingale and Margaret Thatcher was arrested this week for heroine addiction.
Traffic police have arrested fifteen drivers of a funeral cortège on the M8 after they were caught undertaking on the inside.
The leader of the SSP has issued desperate plea calling for ‘party unity for Fox sake’.
Fans who sing sectarian slogans at Ibrox are to be issued with a new type of ASBO which stands for ‘Anybody Singing BillyBoys is Out’
Following a gorse fire near the Scottish Parliament, Firefighters have layed the blame on a ’whole series of doubts lying around about Mike Watson’s future’.
A new range kitchen utensils designed specifically for athletes on the go was revealed at an Alf Tupperware party in Birmingham this week.
Doctors have revealed a new psychiatric condition to describe women who become aggressive and annoying after failed cosmetic surgery. They are to be known as Botoxymorons.
A new coffee and comedy club has opened in Liverpool this week called Jimmy Starbucks.
Trials took place in West Lothian this week for a new drug to cure baldness. The drug is to be called the Barnett formula.
Following the withdrawal of a bad batch of Viagra this week the pharmaceutical industry has announced that annual profits have shrivelled.
A new low-fat food cooker for health-conscious comedy-musicians has been released called the George Formby Grill.
A Scottish actor who starred in the Lord of the Rings was arrested at Ibrox last week when he introduced himself to the crowd by saying ‘Hello, hello, I am the Billy Boyd’.
Football fan Sir Sean Connery has revealed he will buy a season ticket for Villa park this year as he has always been a big fan of Aston Martins.
Celtic’s Neil Lennon put his defensive gaffe against Hearts down to the fact that he was completely Naka’d after the long flight from Japan.
Secret plans to pump water from Scotland to the South East of England were revealed when a Scottish Water report was leaked after one of their phones was tapped.
Worried farmers are concerned that an increase in impotency levels in male sheep will hit sales of rack of lamb due to the lack of ram.
A government think tank has announced plans to reduce unemployment by providing free semi-skilled Milk to job seekers
Eric Lampton, the new BNP MP for Tooting South, has agreed to join the Foreign Affairs Select Committee Immigration Study Team on realising that he would become a member of a FASCIST group.
A lonely hearts club for archaeologists has just been formed and is to be known as the Carbon Dating Agency.
An oriental chef has created a new dish that has been described as an East-West marriage. The dish is to be called the Thai Bridie.
A call-centre employee, sacked for criticising his company on-line, was said to be at bloggerheads with his employer.
Sheik Mohammed is to move from horse racing into pigeon racing following the success of his first bird called Abu Dhabi Doo.
The Pope has denied taking payments from the Poultry Association after revealing he eats a plate of Eggs Benedict each day for breakfast.
Dutch chiropodists have warned hill-walkers that excessive wearing of wooden shoes can lead to clogged arteries.
The BBC is to screen a new historical series about a promiscuous Roman princess who bedded over 200 centurions. The series is to be called I, Clamidia.
Following the news that The Sun has taken the lead in the tabloid sales war the editor of The Record has been asked to take a long, hard look in The Mirror.
Hovis has released a new type of bread which is said to promote youthful skin. The bread is called the peter pan loaf.
A survey of casual drug users has confirmed that smoking cannabis does lead to health problems. 80% of men asked said they had recently developed a pot belly and had problems with their joints.
A baby boom among protestants in Northern Ireland has been put down to free UVF treatment for couples on the NHS.
Hairdressers in Edinburgh have complained about a loss in custom following severe cuts to the fringe this year.
Vegetarian couples who have difficulty conceiving are now to be offered IVF treatment using free-range, organic eggs on the NHS.
The Catholic church has denied plans for a mass contraception programme by sponsoring all extra-virgin olive oil brands.
A taxi-driver has been arrested by police after he took an allergic reaction to the cannabis he was trafficking. Doctors said they had never seen such a bad case of Wacky Baccy Hackney Acne.
Paul le Guen says his communication skills continue to improve and he has taken on the same English language tutor who worked wonders with Stilian Petrov, Sebastian Rosenthal and Barry Ferguson.
The Government has urged all gardeners to mix a crushed Rennie in with their plant food in order to reduce the emission of greenhouse gases.
A Russian air hostess was praised for her quick thinking when she defused a bomb on an internal flight by slipping 2 tranquilisers into the drink of Fernando Ricksen.
ADVERT
(gritty serious American sales pitch)
By the end of this ad you will believe in the impossible. You will believe in the power of the mind and intellect to overcome the forces of evil. You will believe that one man can rise from nowhere to lead his country away from the tyranny of doubt, fear and terror…
Dr. John Reid’s Brainwash Training Game, available from all good stockists now. You better believe it.
Thousands of satellite navigation systems were recalled this week when they all refused to give directions to Cumbernauld.
Bookies are refusing to take any more bets on the winner of this year’s Orange prize for fiction being UN resolution 1559 by ambassador John Bolton.
Illegal raves are making a comeback and middle-aged couples are taking advantage by mixing e-tablets and Viagra at their own flaccid house parties.
Celtic’s new signing Vennegoor of Hesselink is to be sponsored by the Indian restaurant the Koh-I-Noor of Castlemilk.
The Government has released guidance to describe 5 new terror level threats as mild, dangerous, severe, critical and Prescott.
Britain’s population surpassed the 60 million mark this week thanks mainly to a rapid increase in the number of born-again Christians.
Police fear that an armed gang is responsible for the spate of missing road signs around Haddington and are likely to melt the Aluminium down to make a gun that can fire in15 directions at any one time.
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