June 2007 Political Gags
American astronaut Sunita Williams set a new record for a woman this week by spending 188 consecutive days in space, breaking the record previously held by Kate Moss.
Ian Botham says Johnnie Beattie thoroughly deserves his MBE from the Queen even though Beefy was the only one who ever got hold of the Ashes.
Caley Thiste have confirmed one of their players did take drugs during last week's Rock Ness festival. A club spokesman said they knew something was wrong when the white lines began to disappear on the Caledonian stadium pitch.
River City's Johnnie Beattie is to be awarded an MBE - for murdering british entertaiment.
A Dutch lorry driver was filmed by traffic police driving with his knees while eating a pot of spaghetti. In court the man was named as Tomasso Van Pasten of Breda driving a VW Passatta.
Holyrood has shelved plans for a new 300 mph high-speed train link between Glasgow and Edinburgh because it would only confirm Falkirk as a blurry disgrace.
In the honours list this week Ian Dickinson, of Lothian and Borders Police, has been awarded the Queen's Police Medal but says he should have been knighted as he is used to feeling a chib on each shoulder on a Saturday night patrol.
Allegations of disharmony at Hibs resurfaced this week when John Collins was spotted at the Leith Lost Property Office looking for a dressing room.
An Edinburgh man has admitted assaulting a city Rickshaw driver because he was a basket-case that was trying to pull his girlfriend.
A new meals-on-wheels home delivery service using roller skaters has been launched this week by grocers Henry Heelies.
In a TV interview Princes Harry and William revealed how their mother enjoyed being called the Princess of Hearts because, like all Hibs 'keepers, she knew she was also an accident waiting to happen.
BBC Scotland say they are treating seriously a coded death threat issued to one of their staff in a news item this week about ospreys who often like to kill their chick young.
Hibs are to experiment with a new system to strengthen their weak defence by playing a six pack four.
Donald Findlay has denied telling a sectarian joke and claimed all he was doing was Rambling on about the Right to Rome.
Health campaigners say Russian men are putting their lives in danger by drinking cleaning products and aftershave. Muscovites said their normal daily tipple was a half-pint of Harpic and a wee Hasselhauf.
In order to protect vulnerable people, Disclosure Scotland has asked Interpol to inform them about foreign criminal records after the sudden release without warning of a new Julio Iglesias CD.
There was confusion at Glasgow Airport this week when the Control Tower reported a distressed bull wandering about in a daze on the runway. The RSPCA later confirmed the animal had been a belted Galloway.
Scotland has been voted the worst small country in Western Europe. Business leaders said it was not the 10 years of Tony Blair that were to blame but rather the 2 years when Bertie Vogts was in charge.
Formula 1 hero Lewis Hamilton says his diamond-encrusted helmet helped him win his first Grand Pricks.
Alex Salmond says the aggressive and insulting Newsnight interview experience has had a profound effect on him and has put him right off his wark.
Jennifer Aniston says she has converted her new Essex brickie boyfriend to the religion of scientology and he will be known from now on as the son of Hod.
Contrary to public opinion, Judges and Lawyers have voted unanimously to continue wearing wigs in court and now wish to addressed as m'luddite.
Sony has apologised to the Church of England for creating a violent video game which depicts Manchester Cathedral. The company says they have no plans for a sequel showing St. Patrick's in Anderston.
DaMarcus Beasley says it he will be proud to sign for Rangers and follow in the great American-Ibrox footsteps of Franny Jefferson, Tennessee Williamson and George Washinghun.
John Collins says player accusations about his vanity and narcissism have had a big effect on him and he has been forced to take a long, hard look at himself in the mirror.
In an interview this week Gordon Strachan revealed that his new passtime is visiting zoos as it helps him confront his fear of being attacked again by another wild animal from the Jungle.
Portuguese Police this week arrested a man who was seen acting strangely with a small girl on a beach. They were released 2 hours later when their passports showed they were the Krankies on their summer holidays.
John Collins has denied stitching the letters 'JC' into his training gear because he really believes he is the son of God.
Tony Blair has failed to make the Guinness Book of Records for the longest goodbye ever in world history as he was just beaten by 2 days by Dado Prso.
John Collins has given details about his strict training regime for Hibs players which begins with 200 sit-ups, then 300 press-ups followed by 22 shut-the-fcuk-ups.
Hibs have revealed their new strip for next season - the team will play in orange boilersuits.
Alex Salmond is to boost Scotland's renewable energy capacity by fitting a solar panel to the seat of has pants as he believes the sun always shines out of his arse.
Celtic have launched a campaign to improve eating habits in the community by presenting Killen, Vennegoor, Burns and Miller as a kiwi, an orange, a pineapple and a turnip.
Hibs boss John Collins denies he is running the club like a strict prison regime and says he learned his training ideas from an ex-football colleague - Guantanamo Johnston.
Justice minister Kenny MacAskill says sex offenders will be tracked by satellite and arrested by police if they misbehave in a new campaign called Operation Sputnicked.
Greggs the bakers are to expand into Russia in order to help provide Scottish bachelors with mail order bridies.
Researchers have developed a new guitar effects unit which recreates the sound of a small barking dog and is called the Chihuahua pedal.
Crufts web site was closed down by Police this week following accusations about on-line grooming.
Paris Hilton says she will follow the example of Jimmy Boyle and go on a dirty protest by spreading faeces all over her cell. A prison spokesman said they were delighted that she was repairing the cracks in the walls using Plaster of Paris.
Paris Hilton says she can only survive being in prison by offering sexual services to inmates and prison guards and will now change her name to Bangkok Hilton.
Following the row over abortion Catholic MPs have voted to continue receiving communion - by a wafer-thin majority.
South Yorkshire Police became the first in UK this week to give their dogs full protective armour. The vest is made of a special material which prevents a stab from the outside but when the dog cocks its leg it can still have a slash from the inside.
Liz MacDonald the new belly-dancing provost of Nairn was rushed to Hospital last night after she took her eye out walking down the stairs wearing her chain of office.
Renfrewshire Council graffiti teams are now using Buckfast to clean walls after they discovered its powerful cleansing effect. Following its success Council cleaners will now use Harpic lager to scrub the toilets.
Frankie Dettori won the Derby for the first time this week but failed a dope test after he revealed he hadn't beaten Ally McCoist at a Question of Sport for 5 years.
Gaza says he sympathises with the Newcastle family forced to move house 3 times because they have ginger hair. He said he was forced to do the same thing in Glasgow after he was accused of being a dirty orange Geordie.
120 litter louts were captured and fined £50 this week by the new Glasgow City council hit-squad called the Gangsta sweetie rappers.
Leeds City Council are to give the Freedom of Yorkshire to Robert Mugabe after they realised his name spelt backwards was ebagum.
Jack McConnell says he now supports the scrapping of Bridge Tolls because Bridget Told him tae.
The campaign to save the Scottish Fishing Fleet was given a boost when Nicola Sturgeon pledged her full support. She said she wanted to be known as the fisherman's friend and not just another nippy wee sweetie.
Gordon Ramsay says he will no longer sell Carpaccio of Clydesdale in his restaurant after a man fell ill and was taken to hospital after eating the horse meat. Doctors describe his condition as stable.
Scotland Yard have commissioned a new song in memory of the undercover policeman killed in the Diana car accident - it will be written by Bobby Crush.
Ian Botham says Johnnie Beattie thoroughly deserves his MBE from the Queen even though Beefy was the only one who ever got hold of the Ashes.
Caley Thiste have confirmed one of their players did take drugs during last week's Rock Ness festival. A club spokesman said they knew something was wrong when the white lines began to disappear on the Caledonian stadium pitch.
River City's Johnnie Beattie is to be awarded an MBE - for murdering british entertaiment.
A Dutch lorry driver was filmed by traffic police driving with his knees while eating a pot of spaghetti. In court the man was named as Tomasso Van Pasten of Breda driving a VW Passatta.
Holyrood has shelved plans for a new 300 mph high-speed train link between Glasgow and Edinburgh because it would only confirm Falkirk as a blurry disgrace.
In the honours list this week Ian Dickinson, of Lothian and Borders Police, has been awarded the Queen's Police Medal but says he should have been knighted as he is used to feeling a chib on each shoulder on a Saturday night patrol.
Allegations of disharmony at Hibs resurfaced this week when John Collins was spotted at the Leith Lost Property Office looking for a dressing room.
An Edinburgh man has admitted assaulting a city Rickshaw driver because he was a basket-case that was trying to pull his girlfriend.
A new meals-on-wheels home delivery service using roller skaters has been launched this week by grocers Henry Heelies.
In a TV interview Princes Harry and William revealed how their mother enjoyed being called the Princess of Hearts because, like all Hibs 'keepers, she knew she was also an accident waiting to happen.
BBC Scotland say they are treating seriously a coded death threat issued to one of their staff in a news item this week about ospreys who often like to kill their chick young.
Hibs are to experiment with a new system to strengthen their weak defence by playing a six pack four.
Donald Findlay has denied telling a sectarian joke and claimed all he was doing was Rambling on about the Right to Rome.
Health campaigners say Russian men are putting their lives in danger by drinking cleaning products and aftershave. Muscovites said their normal daily tipple was a half-pint of Harpic and a wee Hasselhauf.
In order to protect vulnerable people, Disclosure Scotland has asked Interpol to inform them about foreign criminal records after the sudden release without warning of a new Julio Iglesias CD.
There was confusion at Glasgow Airport this week when the Control Tower reported a distressed bull wandering about in a daze on the runway. The RSPCA later confirmed the animal had been a belted Galloway.
Scotland has been voted the worst small country in Western Europe. Business leaders said it was not the 10 years of Tony Blair that were to blame but rather the 2 years when Bertie Vogts was in charge.
Formula 1 hero Lewis Hamilton says his diamond-encrusted helmet helped him win his first Grand Pricks.
Alex Salmond says the aggressive and insulting Newsnight interview experience has had a profound effect on him and has put him right off his wark.
Jennifer Aniston says she has converted her new Essex brickie boyfriend to the religion of scientology and he will be known from now on as the son of Hod.
Contrary to public opinion, Judges and Lawyers have voted unanimously to continue wearing wigs in court and now wish to addressed as m'luddite.
Sony has apologised to the Church of England for creating a violent video game which depicts Manchester Cathedral. The company says they have no plans for a sequel showing St. Patrick's in Anderston.
DaMarcus Beasley says it he will be proud to sign for Rangers and follow in the great American-Ibrox footsteps of Franny Jefferson, Tennessee Williamson and George Washinghun.
John Collins says player accusations about his vanity and narcissism have had a big effect on him and he has been forced to take a long, hard look at himself in the mirror.
In an interview this week Gordon Strachan revealed that his new passtime is visiting zoos as it helps him confront his fear of being attacked again by another wild animal from the Jungle.
Portuguese Police this week arrested a man who was seen acting strangely with a small girl on a beach. They were released 2 hours later when their passports showed they were the Krankies on their summer holidays.
John Collins has denied stitching the letters 'JC' into his training gear because he really believes he is the son of God.
Tony Blair has failed to make the Guinness Book of Records for the longest goodbye ever in world history as he was just beaten by 2 days by Dado Prso.
John Collins has given details about his strict training regime for Hibs players which begins with 200 sit-ups, then 300 press-ups followed by 22 shut-the-fcuk-ups.
Hibs have revealed their new strip for next season - the team will play in orange boilersuits.
Alex Salmond is to boost Scotland's renewable energy capacity by fitting a solar panel to the seat of has pants as he believes the sun always shines out of his arse.
Celtic have launched a campaign to improve eating habits in the community by presenting Killen, Vennegoor, Burns and Miller as a kiwi, an orange, a pineapple and a turnip.
Hibs boss John Collins denies he is running the club like a strict prison regime and says he learned his training ideas from an ex-football colleague - Guantanamo Johnston.
Justice minister Kenny MacAskill says sex offenders will be tracked by satellite and arrested by police if they misbehave in a new campaign called Operation Sputnicked.
Greggs the bakers are to expand into Russia in order to help provide Scottish bachelors with mail order bridies.
Researchers have developed a new guitar effects unit which recreates the sound of a small barking dog and is called the Chihuahua pedal.
Crufts web site was closed down by Police this week following accusations about on-line grooming.
Paris Hilton says she will follow the example of Jimmy Boyle and go on a dirty protest by spreading faeces all over her cell. A prison spokesman said they were delighted that she was repairing the cracks in the walls using Plaster of Paris.
Paris Hilton says she can only survive being in prison by offering sexual services to inmates and prison guards and will now change her name to Bangkok Hilton.
Following the row over abortion Catholic MPs have voted to continue receiving communion - by a wafer-thin majority.
South Yorkshire Police became the first in UK this week to give their dogs full protective armour. The vest is made of a special material which prevents a stab from the outside but when the dog cocks its leg it can still have a slash from the inside.
Liz MacDonald the new belly-dancing provost of Nairn was rushed to Hospital last night after she took her eye out walking down the stairs wearing her chain of office.
Renfrewshire Council graffiti teams are now using Buckfast to clean walls after they discovered its powerful cleansing effect. Following its success Council cleaners will now use Harpic lager to scrub the toilets.
Frankie Dettori won the Derby for the first time this week but failed a dope test after he revealed he hadn't beaten Ally McCoist at a Question of Sport for 5 years.
Gaza says he sympathises with the Newcastle family forced to move house 3 times because they have ginger hair. He said he was forced to do the same thing in Glasgow after he was accused of being a dirty orange Geordie.
120 litter louts were captured and fined £50 this week by the new Glasgow City council hit-squad called the Gangsta sweetie rappers.
Leeds City Council are to give the Freedom of Yorkshire to Robert Mugabe after they realised his name spelt backwards was ebagum.
Jack McConnell says he now supports the scrapping of Bridge Tolls because Bridget Told him tae.
The campaign to save the Scottish Fishing Fleet was given a boost when Nicola Sturgeon pledged her full support. She said she wanted to be known as the fisherman's friend and not just another nippy wee sweetie.
Gordon Ramsay says he will no longer sell Carpaccio of Clydesdale in his restaurant after a man fell ill and was taken to hospital after eating the horse meat. Doctors describe his condition as stable.
Scotland Yard have commissioned a new song in memory of the undercover policeman killed in the Diana car accident - it will be written by Bobby Crush.
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