May 2007 Political Gags
Scotland Yard have re-opened the Alexander Litvinenko case following the discovery of video footage which shows him eating a Clover sandwich.
More than 25,000 fans gathered this week for a convention to mark 30 years since the release of Star Wars. The event was overshadowed by the sad news that Choobacca had been killed in a snuff movie.
The Queen has criticised Channel 4's decision to screen graphic images of a mangled wreck and denies she gave them permission to show any photos of her husband.
A protest march against homophobia in Moscow descended into violence after the arrest of Peter Tatchell and Right-Said-Fred by the GayGB.
Following its recall, Clover is to be rebranded as the butter you can make a sandwich with without using bread as it already comes with its own dark crust.
Celtic cup final hero Jean-Joel Perrier Doumbe has revealed that he has Scottish ancestry- his Grandfather fought with the 1st Battalion of the Cameroon Highlanders.
The main winners at this week's British Soap Awards were all from Eastenders - in particular those from Shettleston, Garthamlock and Parkhead.
TESCO has been accused of filling its stores with mouldy and crusty old items way past their sell by date. A spokesman said it was still their policy to employ the over-60s.
Government Scientists say the recent bird-flu outbreak in Wales was due to the fact that the chickens were free-range and were allowed to wander about all day in the clover.
Gordon Strachan says his fear of hospitals kept him from undergoing his hip operation. His fears were heightened when his anaesthetist told him he was a supporter of one of the Glasgow clubs but it turned out to be the Jags.
Labour MP Anne Moffat says she compared Alex Salmond to Adolf Hitler because of his role in writing a constituency tourist brochure called Mein Banff.
A new seres of SpringWatch began this week with the highlights being some beautiful blue tits, some lovely orange lillies and a dead green finch according to presenter Bill Proddie.
Annabel Goldie says she will do everything possible to halt the progress of the SNP and she wants be know formally as Anny De Veto.
The Queen presented the Scottish Police Force with a new tartan this week. It was described as a shocking blend of clans Todd and Frazer and will be called the Tazer Tartan.
A new ship called The Sound of Rox has been launched as the latest Caledonian MacBryan Ferry.
Alex Salmond says he will forge strong links between Edinburgh and Brussels as its the only way to get Hearts into Europe next season.
The Greens and the SNP are to create a white paper block any Shit-to-Shit transfers in the Firth of Forth.
Presiding Officer Alex Fergusson claims that Nicola Sturgeon is in dire need of a makeover and says he will give her the hairdryer treatment at half-time.
The Government has warned about the dangers of surfing the internet while drunk after a man hit a T and crashed his computer while trying to make a forward slash.
Gordon Ramsay says he now hates all Vegetarians because he can no longer serve Roast Leg of Mars Bar in his restaurant.
The enquiry into the Election fiasco claims that it was totally predictable for Scotland to lose 140,000 votes as this was the same number of games lost by Berti Vogts.
The Cat Protection League has criticised a judge for handing a paltry fine of only £300 to a Dumfries woman who drowned her neighbour's cat in the River Nith. The judge said it was only her first offence but if she did it again she would then be fined for dropping a litter.
The Government has warned parents about the effects of wi-fi laptops on teenagers as it may lead to stunted growth and a persistent child-like state. Further information is contained on the web site http://www.douglasalexander.com/.
The Home Office says it will stop using dogs during dawn raids on the children of asylum seekers and will instead now use ospreys.
An American tourist who wandered naked around Nuremberg because he thought it was what Germans did has been criticised by the Mayor of the town - Herr E. Ballacks.
A 34 year old Leeds man was accused this week of possessing an Al-Qaeda manual which could have been used as a guide for human torture and psychological distress. Yorkshire Police were forced to apologise when the manual turned out to be an furniture assembly leaflet from IKEA.
Jack McConnell claims Labour would have won Cunninghame North from the SNP if Hunterston 'B' had been running as it would have been used to generate an extra 140,000 votes.
An obese American who was airlifted from a cruise ship in Firth of Forth reacted angrily when told that the Captain had sent for a Sea King Chopper and not for a burger King Whopper.
In a survey this week almost 80% of MSPs were against nuclear power. They have now been accused abandoning Scotland's rural fission communities.
Boxer Scott Harrison was arrested again this week during a brawl in a Spanish Brothel. His defence team said he was startled by the last bells on his 12th round when he was floored by a right hooker.
Alex Salmond is to follow Gordon Brown's lead and create 5 new Green Towns in Scotland beginning with Eco Bride.
Following her discovery by Hollywood talent spotters, Jackie Bird is set to star with Johnny Depp in the film sequel - Pirates of the Carribean 4 - The Sunken Chest.
A woman who stole 40 raincoats then returned them the next day has been described by Psychiatrists as being completely Anoraxic.
Walter Smith says it was not a desperate move to contact the British Deaf Society as they were the only ones who would sign for him this week.
The father of a North African immigrant family in Scotland has been accused of child abandonment following the news that Henry the osprey kicked 4 eggs out of its Speyside nest.
Shock figures show that the number of Scots women breast feeding their children has fallen to a new low. Health campaigners say they are delighted with the news as there is no room in society for chicken nuggets.
A Press campaign and a substantial reward have been used this week to help locate a missing Scots child. The infant has not been seen for a fortnight, has dark hair and answers to the name of Douglas Alexander.
The UN says that war crimes and mass torture are still ongoing in the former Yugoslavia and has demanded the immediate handover of Karadzic, Mladic and the lead singer of the Serbian Group that won of the Eurovision Song contest.
Burtons the biscuit makers has axed 660 workers this week. Business commentators say the wheels had fallen off their wagon a long time ago.
Strathclyde Police say Seville will not be allowed to make a lap of honour after the UEFA Cup final as there is a banning order in place for orange walks.
The Pope has canonised Brazil's first saint in front of a million people. He will be known as St. Pele dos Santos do Macaroona for his commitment to piety and bovril.
Rangers' new French striker Jean-Claude Darcheville says he is called 'The Rocket' because he has the same disciplinary problems as snookers' Ronnie 'The Rocket' O'Sullivan - he is always getting two straight yellows followed by a red.
The UK Food Watchdog is backing mandatory fortification of flour with folic acid. Drug dealers are now supplying ravers with club sandwiches.
At 105 years old, Sheila Thomson of Dundee this week became the UK's oldest driver. She says she keeps up with the city's boy racers by playing Great Great Gran Theft Auto on her Playstation 3.
Ian Paisley says he had no problem meeting Bertie Ahern because he is an experienced politician who has "been there, done that and bought the Taoiseach".
Tommy Sheridan says he was tired and emotional during a melanomatic farewell speech to his Pollok constituents.
Turkey Twizzlers are back on the menu in school canteens following a glowing report about their health benefits from the BMA - the Bernard Matthews Association.
Plans are underfoot for Scotland's own Diana Memorial Event with a £1000-a-head bash in the Tunnel nightclub in Glasgow.
As a mark of respect to Tony Blair's legacy, Gerry Adams says he will change the name of his party from Sinn Fein to Spin Vain.
A wayward albatross has been seen near a small Scottish island having first been spotted off Shetland in 1967. Celtic say they will now hold a 40th anniversary celebration dinner-dance for the bird involving the Lisbon Lions, release a new away strip and a special DVD called 'Life on the Wing' with a foreword by Bobby Lennox.
The Catholic church is said to be furious about a new Channel 4 gameshow aimed at priests called 'Feel or No Feel'.
A bird charity and the Rangers Supporters Party of Belfast are to fight a court battle for the right to use the acronym RSPB. "Its all about keeping football away from our quiet hobby" said the spokesman for the ornithologists, Mr Bill Proddie.
Celtic's Aiden McGeady says there was no chance of him spoiling his ballot paper as he never, ever puts more than one cross in the box.
The man who destroyed 3 ballot boxes with a golf club has been charged with reckless driving. In his defence he said he was a swing voter who wanted to force a wedge between the parties and strike a blow for the Greens.
Following the SNP victory Gordon Brown says he will change the Labour anthem to be 'Things Can Only get Bitter'.
Tony Blair denies plotting against Gordon Brown after he said that John Reid would be an extremely hard man to follow.
New right-wing President Nicolas Sarkozy has vowed to expulse all immigrants from France. He has now had his passport removed and is currently on his way to the airport with a one-way ticket back to Hungary.
After defeating the 3 main Unionist parties Alex Salmond says he now has the Balmoral Authority to ruin the country.
Nicola Sturgeon says she would be delighted to meet the Queen to discuss Scotland's future after the election so she has arranged to see Patrick Harvey on Saturday.
Following the election the Lib-Dems say they are happy to be known as the key party for change - because everybody else has them in their back pockets.
A new range of underwear designed by physicists has been released. The design uses the techniques of quantum simmetry, complex algebra and vulgar string theory.
The Glastonbury Festival is set to provide free loo rolls to festival goers. Events organisers in Scotland say there are no plans to do the same at this year's P in the Park.
A woman who laced her husband's curry with dog poo in a revenge attack against her husband says she got the idea fom a recipe book by Indian actress Shilpa Shitty.
The first of the new summer blockbuster films has been released in which the superhero fights hard to stop his dark side slipping out - the film is called Spiderman 3 - Toby versus Joby.
A security review of all buildings in Scotland has been ordered after Animal Rights Extremists broke in and released 50 people from a Glasgow Call Centre this week.
A breakthrough headache tablet hit the market this week. The pill is rubbed 3 times on the side of the head and the pain disappears in a flash - the product is called Alladin Extra.
The ex-Chairman of BP, Lord Browne, claims he was sacked for his role in the Alaskan oil-pipe leak. In a statement he said he did all he could and was proud to have been the only gay at the spillage.
Prince Harry says he is well prepared for his stint in Iraq having studied an Army training video called 'Being Ginger in a Conflict Zone' - also known as 'The Neil Lennon Story'.
More than 25,000 fans gathered this week for a convention to mark 30 years since the release of Star Wars. The event was overshadowed by the sad news that Choobacca had been killed in a snuff movie.
The Queen has criticised Channel 4's decision to screen graphic images of a mangled wreck and denies she gave them permission to show any photos of her husband.
A protest march against homophobia in Moscow descended into violence after the arrest of Peter Tatchell and Right-Said-Fred by the GayGB.
Following its recall, Clover is to be rebranded as the butter you can make a sandwich with without using bread as it already comes with its own dark crust.
Celtic cup final hero Jean-Joel Perrier Doumbe has revealed that he has Scottish ancestry- his Grandfather fought with the 1st Battalion of the Cameroon Highlanders.
The main winners at this week's British Soap Awards were all from Eastenders - in particular those from Shettleston, Garthamlock and Parkhead.
TESCO has been accused of filling its stores with mouldy and crusty old items way past their sell by date. A spokesman said it was still their policy to employ the over-60s.
Government Scientists say the recent bird-flu outbreak in Wales was due to the fact that the chickens were free-range and were allowed to wander about all day in the clover.
Gordon Strachan says his fear of hospitals kept him from undergoing his hip operation. His fears were heightened when his anaesthetist told him he was a supporter of one of the Glasgow clubs but it turned out to be the Jags.
Labour MP Anne Moffat says she compared Alex Salmond to Adolf Hitler because of his role in writing a constituency tourist brochure called Mein Banff.
A new seres of SpringWatch began this week with the highlights being some beautiful blue tits, some lovely orange lillies and a dead green finch according to presenter Bill Proddie.
Annabel Goldie says she will do everything possible to halt the progress of the SNP and she wants be know formally as Anny De Veto.
The Queen presented the Scottish Police Force with a new tartan this week. It was described as a shocking blend of clans Todd and Frazer and will be called the Tazer Tartan.
A new ship called The Sound of Rox has been launched as the latest Caledonian MacBryan Ferry.
Alex Salmond says he will forge strong links between Edinburgh and Brussels as its the only way to get Hearts into Europe next season.
The Greens and the SNP are to create a white paper block any Shit-to-Shit transfers in the Firth of Forth.
Presiding Officer Alex Fergusson claims that Nicola Sturgeon is in dire need of a makeover and says he will give her the hairdryer treatment at half-time.
The Government has warned about the dangers of surfing the internet while drunk after a man hit a T and crashed his computer while trying to make a forward slash.
Gordon Ramsay says he now hates all Vegetarians because he can no longer serve Roast Leg of Mars Bar in his restaurant.
The enquiry into the Election fiasco claims that it was totally predictable for Scotland to lose 140,000 votes as this was the same number of games lost by Berti Vogts.
The Cat Protection League has criticised a judge for handing a paltry fine of only £300 to a Dumfries woman who drowned her neighbour's cat in the River Nith. The judge said it was only her first offence but if she did it again she would then be fined for dropping a litter.
The Government has warned parents about the effects of wi-fi laptops on teenagers as it may lead to stunted growth and a persistent child-like state. Further information is contained on the web site http://www.douglasalexander.com/.
The Home Office says it will stop using dogs during dawn raids on the children of asylum seekers and will instead now use ospreys.
An American tourist who wandered naked around Nuremberg because he thought it was what Germans did has been criticised by the Mayor of the town - Herr E. Ballacks.
A 34 year old Leeds man was accused this week of possessing an Al-Qaeda manual which could have been used as a guide for human torture and psychological distress. Yorkshire Police were forced to apologise when the manual turned out to be an furniture assembly leaflet from IKEA.
Jack McConnell claims Labour would have won Cunninghame North from the SNP if Hunterston 'B' had been running as it would have been used to generate an extra 140,000 votes.
An obese American who was airlifted from a cruise ship in Firth of Forth reacted angrily when told that the Captain had sent for a Sea King Chopper and not for a burger King Whopper.
In a survey this week almost 80% of MSPs were against nuclear power. They have now been accused abandoning Scotland's rural fission communities.
Boxer Scott Harrison was arrested again this week during a brawl in a Spanish Brothel. His defence team said he was startled by the last bells on his 12th round when he was floored by a right hooker.
Alex Salmond is to follow Gordon Brown's lead and create 5 new Green Towns in Scotland beginning with Eco Bride.
Following her discovery by Hollywood talent spotters, Jackie Bird is set to star with Johnny Depp in the film sequel - Pirates of the Carribean 4 - The Sunken Chest.
A woman who stole 40 raincoats then returned them the next day has been described by Psychiatrists as being completely Anoraxic.
Walter Smith says it was not a desperate move to contact the British Deaf Society as they were the only ones who would sign for him this week.
The father of a North African immigrant family in Scotland has been accused of child abandonment following the news that Henry the osprey kicked 4 eggs out of its Speyside nest.
Shock figures show that the number of Scots women breast feeding their children has fallen to a new low. Health campaigners say they are delighted with the news as there is no room in society for chicken nuggets.
A Press campaign and a substantial reward have been used this week to help locate a missing Scots child. The infant has not been seen for a fortnight, has dark hair and answers to the name of Douglas Alexander.
The UN says that war crimes and mass torture are still ongoing in the former Yugoslavia and has demanded the immediate handover of Karadzic, Mladic and the lead singer of the Serbian Group that won of the Eurovision Song contest.
Burtons the biscuit makers has axed 660 workers this week. Business commentators say the wheels had fallen off their wagon a long time ago.
Strathclyde Police say Seville will not be allowed to make a lap of honour after the UEFA Cup final as there is a banning order in place for orange walks.
The Pope has canonised Brazil's first saint in front of a million people. He will be known as St. Pele dos Santos do Macaroona for his commitment to piety and bovril.
Rangers' new French striker Jean-Claude Darcheville says he is called 'The Rocket' because he has the same disciplinary problems as snookers' Ronnie 'The Rocket' O'Sullivan - he is always getting two straight yellows followed by a red.
The UK Food Watchdog is backing mandatory fortification of flour with folic acid. Drug dealers are now supplying ravers with club sandwiches.
At 105 years old, Sheila Thomson of Dundee this week became the UK's oldest driver. She says she keeps up with the city's boy racers by playing Great Great Gran Theft Auto on her Playstation 3.
Ian Paisley says he had no problem meeting Bertie Ahern because he is an experienced politician who has "been there, done that and bought the Taoiseach".
Tommy Sheridan says he was tired and emotional during a melanomatic farewell speech to his Pollok constituents.
Turkey Twizzlers are back on the menu in school canteens following a glowing report about their health benefits from the BMA - the Bernard Matthews Association.
Plans are underfoot for Scotland's own Diana Memorial Event with a £1000-a-head bash in the Tunnel nightclub in Glasgow.
As a mark of respect to Tony Blair's legacy, Gerry Adams says he will change the name of his party from Sinn Fein to Spin Vain.
A wayward albatross has been seen near a small Scottish island having first been spotted off Shetland in 1967. Celtic say they will now hold a 40th anniversary celebration dinner-dance for the bird involving the Lisbon Lions, release a new away strip and a special DVD called 'Life on the Wing' with a foreword by Bobby Lennox.
The Catholic church is said to be furious about a new Channel 4 gameshow aimed at priests called 'Feel or No Feel'.
A bird charity and the Rangers Supporters Party of Belfast are to fight a court battle for the right to use the acronym RSPB. "Its all about keeping football away from our quiet hobby" said the spokesman for the ornithologists, Mr Bill Proddie.
Celtic's Aiden McGeady says there was no chance of him spoiling his ballot paper as he never, ever puts more than one cross in the box.
The man who destroyed 3 ballot boxes with a golf club has been charged with reckless driving. In his defence he said he was a swing voter who wanted to force a wedge between the parties and strike a blow for the Greens.
Following the SNP victory Gordon Brown says he will change the Labour anthem to be 'Things Can Only get Bitter'.
Tony Blair denies plotting against Gordon Brown after he said that John Reid would be an extremely hard man to follow.
New right-wing President Nicolas Sarkozy has vowed to expulse all immigrants from France. He has now had his passport removed and is currently on his way to the airport with a one-way ticket back to Hungary.
After defeating the 3 main Unionist parties Alex Salmond says he now has the Balmoral Authority to ruin the country.
Nicola Sturgeon says she would be delighted to meet the Queen to discuss Scotland's future after the election so she has arranged to see Patrick Harvey on Saturday.
Following the election the Lib-Dems say they are happy to be known as the key party for change - because everybody else has them in their back pockets.
A new range of underwear designed by physicists has been released. The design uses the techniques of quantum simmetry, complex algebra and vulgar string theory.
The Glastonbury Festival is set to provide free loo rolls to festival goers. Events organisers in Scotland say there are no plans to do the same at this year's P in the Park.
A woman who laced her husband's curry with dog poo in a revenge attack against her husband says she got the idea fom a recipe book by Indian actress Shilpa Shitty.
The first of the new summer blockbuster films has been released in which the superhero fights hard to stop his dark side slipping out - the film is called Spiderman 3 - Toby versus Joby.
A security review of all buildings in Scotland has been ordered after Animal Rights Extremists broke in and released 50 people from a Glasgow Call Centre this week.
A breakthrough headache tablet hit the market this week. The pill is rubbed 3 times on the side of the head and the pain disappears in a flash - the product is called Alladin Extra.
The ex-Chairman of BP, Lord Browne, claims he was sacked for his role in the Alaskan oil-pipe leak. In a statement he said he did all he could and was proud to have been the only gay at the spillage.
Prince Harry says he is well prepared for his stint in Iraq having studied an Army training video called 'Being Ginger in a Conflict Zone' - also known as 'The Neil Lennon Story'.
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