April 2006 Political Gags
Arsène Wenger claims he will resist any interference in the Arsenal team selection from the club’s shirt sponsor O2. The mobile phone sponsor had insisted on a team formation of 1-1-8 in the first half and 1-1-8 in the second.
The Williamson family of Larkhall, who have been been visiting the same holiday Guest House for 25 years, have been given an award from the Mayor of Blackpool for being the most Loyal Orange Lodgers in the history of the town.
Cherie Blair claims she caused no offence to the Pope at their meeting last week when, mindful of recent Labour sex scandals, she refused to kiss his ring.
Following a weekend of violence in the West of Scotland the Executive will run a new advertising campaign to encourage civilian self-defence. The ad is to be called ‘You Can’t put a better bit of nutter on your Knife’.
A new satellite guidance system for cars with obese occupants has been released called the Tum Tum Fat-Nav.
Pope Benedict has announced controversial plans to promote the use of condoms. In a bid to appease conservative Catholics he will also change one of the ten commandments to read ‘Thou shalt not Pill’.
The Executive have been accused of over-reaction in the proposed junk food ban by telling schools to remove all Micro-Chips and Mega-Bytes from School computers.
In a bid to create a more fashionable uniform, the Army will now provide all new squaddies with Ben Sherman Tank Tops.
Transport minister Tavish Scott witnessed angry scenes this week following his decision on a new road plan for Aberdeen. Infuriated protestors were united in shouting that they would ‘never accept this Buchan By-Pass’.
A leaked document concerning the troubles in the Scottish Fingerprint Service has revealed evidence of a cover-up when one detective claimed he was encouraged to ‘lock up the evidence and throw away McKie’.
Following the ban, pubs are to distribute free Nicotine patches to help smokers quit the habit. A pub spokesman said that they were happy to be involved but that anyone abusing the system would be ejected if they became completely plastered.
Scientists have succeeded in creating the world’s smallest goat in the first ever application of nannytechnology.
Five Polish dentists have returned home following their failure to improve oral health in Fife. One of the dentists said that in all her professional life she had never seen such a disappointing state of cracked and rotten decay. A spokesman for Fife Council claimed, however, that improvements to Dunfermline town centre would take place as soon as possible.
The Executive have announced that hospital waiting times continue to fall. Health Minister Andy Kerr claimed that the waiting time to see a consultant for advice on abortion had now fallen to just 10 months.
Plans to reintroduce the wolf into Scotland were shelved yesterday when Hearts’ owner Vladimir Romanov announced they were 2 years too late.
Health chiefs are to issue a new emergency contraceptive pill designed for students who experience memory loss after binge-drink-sex. It is to be called the Morning-after-the-day-before-last-Thursday-or-maybe-it-was-Tuesday pill.
In a response to Sunday sailings in the Western Isles the Wee Free Church has commissioned the building of 4 new Roll-On-Bugger-Off ferries.
The Holyrood Roof Inquiry Committee was left in disarray this week when 5 of its members broke away, formed a splinter group and swung to the left.
There was chaos in the Lords this week during a debate about public toilet provision. Violence erupted when the Peers had extreme difficulty in passing a motion on the white paper following an all-night sitting.
The new chairman of the Student Loans Company, Greek business tycoon Stelios, says he has no plans to change the name of the company to Easy-Debt.
A contestant is to sue the producers of the TV makeover programme ‘Ten Years Younger’ after her employer told her she would now have to work until 75 to claim a full pension.
The CIA was accused this week of employing starvation and denial of water on torture flights from Scotland to Cuba. A CIA spokesman denied all knowledge of the flights and said it was more likely to be the new RyanAir service from Prestwick to Havana.
Following the smoking ban, the fireworks ban and the fox-hunting ban the Blair Government has announced its intention to go all out for the Taliban.
A motorist who changed his license plate to H5N1 FLU was charged this week for excess speeding. In court, the judge fined him £100, gave him 3 penalty points and ordered him to be kept indoors for 3-months as a precaution.
Tragedy at the Glasgow Art Fair this week when a 2-ton Sir Henry Moore sculpture toppled over and killed 3 visitors. A spokeswoman for the Fair passed on her condolences but said the accident was also a tremendous example of abstract compressionism.
Police have warned clubbers of the dangers of a new designer drug called FAB which is flooding into Scotland. The drug is normally cut into 2 pieces, ingested orally after chewing and taken with a warm, sugary drink. The Police have issued a FAB information leaflet called Folic Acid Bread – know the Score.
Scottish fingerprint experts were drafted in this week to help analyse 2 dead swan carcasses. Prints of the webbed feet were processed in order to determine the gender of the wild birds. In their preliminary report the SCRO said there was no doubt whatsoever that the prints belonged to Shirley McKie and that she should be isolated immediately and kept under 24-hour surveillance.
Following the news that Folic Acid is to be added to bread, the new designer drug of choice for ravers with the munchies is the Club Sandwich.
The new Special Operations Anti-Terrorism Unit has launched a hi-tech initiative to detect Al-Qaeda chatter and message passing on the Web. The initiative has been given the codename Operation Talibanter.
Scientists have admitted defeat in their quest to find a cure for the Winter Vomiting virus in hospitals. Instead, they have suggested that hospital managers install sun-lamps and palm trees while patients should wear beach towels, carry a stuffed donkey, sing Y Viva España and keep an emergency sombrero handy in order to fool the winter bug.
OK, constable, what have we got ?5 deid swans and 12 deid ducks, sir.Right, I’ll get on to the Chief Veterinary Officer, DEFRA and Ross Finnie.Nae need sir, look, ah found an empty Greggs bag, somebody’s been feeding them Steak Bakes.
During his visit to Glasgow this week Bill Clinton has praised the Executive in their efforts to contain bird flu. The ex-President also revealed a surprise interest in ornithology claiming his favourite birds as the red breast, the blue tit, the blackbird, any type of wren, the dipper, the deep-throated warbler, the peacock and his all-time favourite the un-spotted woodpecker.
Scottish Police are to follow the lead of their Australian colleagues and adopt the use of clairvoyants in murder investigations. However, the Edinburgh Police have declined to take part in the initiative as they flatly refuse to make any use of weegie boards.
The Tartan Army and the Salvation Army have announced a merger and will create a new periodical called The Christian Dailly.
Violence erupted at the Jockey Club this week following the news that their members are putting their health at risk with continual dieting. Brutal fighting broke out among the jockeys during the selection process for the mount of the Derby favourite Beef or Salmon.
Following the news of that church attendance in the Western Isles is in rapid decline the Stornoway branch of Tesco has announced an initiative to help called Buy One get Wee Free.
Surprises galore at the Iranian Film and Television Awards this week when the TV shows ‘Countdown’ and ‘Invasion’ failed to get a nomination while there were special gongs for the films ‘The Madness of King George’ and ‘The Blair Witchhunt Project’.
The Cash for Privileges scandal showed no sign of abating this week. A leaked document revealed that for £10 million you can get a seat in the Lords, for £20 million you can get a seat in the Cabinet and for £30 million you can get a seat in a surgery with an out-of-hours GP.
The White House was reeling this week when devastating evidence was presented to the UN which will allow Iran to go ahead with its nuclear ambitions. Iranian lawyers successfully argued that ‘If Homer Simpson can control a nuclear power plant then so can we’.
In a bid to stop the singing of controversial lyrics at Ibrox, Rangers fans will instead be asked to hum loudly their favourite tunes. A player’s spokesman backed the initiative and claimed that there was now ‘a real buzz about the place’.
Tom Cruise has vowed to eat his baby’s placenta with a stuffed-crust pizza and a 2-litre bottle of Pepsi after his wife insisted on having a home delivery.
New research suggests that spending an extra hour in bed could help weight loss as it eases food cravings. The Scottish Executive commented that the research was timely following a mass population weight gain of 5 million pounds when the clocks went forward two weeks ago.
Maureen Watt, SNP list MSP for NE Scotland, became first MSP to take an oath in Doric this week. Following her speech some MSPs were critical of her use of a translator. Both Rosie Kane and Colin Fox of the SSP claimed they have been forced make speeches throughout their entire political career without the use of a translator.
Actor Keifer Sutherland is set to star in a new British drama which has been described as a combination of Casualty and The Bill. The new programme is to be called NHS-24.
Actor Michael Douglas is set to receive an honorary degree of Laws from St. Andrews University. The University Chaplain said it was a well-deserved award and described Mr. Douglas as, ‘without doubt, a true Son of the Kirk’.
20% of people surveyed said they would like a 25p coin, 59% would like a £5 coin while 77% said they couldn’t give a toss.
Celtic have been given planning permission for a new training academy in the grounds of the old Lennox Castle Hospital. A Health spokesperson said it was nice to at last see some continuity planning for Care in the Community.
Dundee’s economy is said to be on the up after a multi-million pound investment in the city was announced this week. Fans of Dundee FC, however, were dejected to hear that main investment source was from an Arab millionaire.
Celtic have hit a snag in their planning application for a new training ground at Lennoxtown. The club will now consider alternative locations including Johnstone, Craigton, Clarkston, McNeilston, CumbernAuld, the Wallace monument, Provanmill, Bonnar Bridge and feed-the-Bearsden.
An Army radio announcer with a speech impediment was dismissed yesterday after attempting the line ‘…Cunning stunt to split the Shi-ites using the Turkish Kurds’.
In a tabloid serialisation the disgraced former Catholic Bishop for Argyll and the Isles, Roderick Wright, has spoken of his conversion to the Church of Scotland and his fight with alcohol and faith. The tabloid headline was ‘PRODDY RODDY in VODDIE BOTTLE BINGE’N’BIBLE BATTLE’.
John Prescott’s battle to lose weight is to be sponsored by The Communication Workers Union. They have offered to wire up his mouth, fix his broadband and put him on a high-fibre optic diet.
A Hawick doctor has criticised staffing levels in the NHS on his return from a year in Africa with the medical charity Doctors Without Borders. He has now decided to form a local pressure group to address the staffing issue called Borders Without Doctors.
Scots squaddies in Iraq have been amusing themselves by posting pictures of each other on a Hot or Not website. Al-Qaeda have retaliated by using the same images on their own website called Shot or Not.
A Glasgow woman is to sue the crematorium who mixed up her father’s ashes with someone else’s. Her legal team, Lawyers-Direct, have released a statement saying ‘Where there’s a flame, there’s a claim’.
Prince Harry has refused to dye his hair to make him less conspicuous in a war zone. The ginger Prince claimed that it should be possible for someone with his hair colour to be constantly under-fire in a foreign country, to be a hate figure and focal point for abuse and violence having seen how Neil Lennon had survived in Scotland.
John Prescott’s mystery lover has been revealed as David Blunkett.A Barra GP has defended his £300,000 a year salary by claiming it can be put down to his specialism in Oncology – he has been On-Call non stop for the last 3 years.
10 West Highland women are being sought for a new BBC series based on finding a lover in a small, rural environment. The program is to be called Desperate Crofters.
British Eurovision entrant, Daz Canpbell, has claimed to know lots of gangsters in Manchester and anyone crossing him will ‘end up with a horses head in their bed’. On hearing this Ruud van Nistlerooy immediately submitted a transfer request from Man. Utd.
A new on-line auction site from Yorkshire has been launched this week called eBay-Gum.
David Murray announced his engagement this week to 34 year old lawyer Kae Tinto. The pre-nuptial agreement was set up by Donald Findlay QC where Ms Tinto will have the right to half of Murray’s estate if she runs a nice house and keeps busy by being up to her knees in menial work.
The Williamson family of Larkhall, who have been been visiting the same holiday Guest House for 25 years, have been given an award from the Mayor of Blackpool for being the most Loyal Orange Lodgers in the history of the town.
Cherie Blair claims she caused no offence to the Pope at their meeting last week when, mindful of recent Labour sex scandals, she refused to kiss his ring.
Following a weekend of violence in the West of Scotland the Executive will run a new advertising campaign to encourage civilian self-defence. The ad is to be called ‘You Can’t put a better bit of nutter on your Knife’.
A new satellite guidance system for cars with obese occupants has been released called the Tum Tum Fat-Nav.
Pope Benedict has announced controversial plans to promote the use of condoms. In a bid to appease conservative Catholics he will also change one of the ten commandments to read ‘Thou shalt not Pill’.
The Executive have been accused of over-reaction in the proposed junk food ban by telling schools to remove all Micro-Chips and Mega-Bytes from School computers.
In a bid to create a more fashionable uniform, the Army will now provide all new squaddies with Ben Sherman Tank Tops.
Transport minister Tavish Scott witnessed angry scenes this week following his decision on a new road plan for Aberdeen. Infuriated protestors were united in shouting that they would ‘never accept this Buchan By-Pass’.
A leaked document concerning the troubles in the Scottish Fingerprint Service has revealed evidence of a cover-up when one detective claimed he was encouraged to ‘lock up the evidence and throw away McKie’.
Following the ban, pubs are to distribute free Nicotine patches to help smokers quit the habit. A pub spokesman said that they were happy to be involved but that anyone abusing the system would be ejected if they became completely plastered.
Scientists have succeeded in creating the world’s smallest goat in the first ever application of nannytechnology.
Five Polish dentists have returned home following their failure to improve oral health in Fife. One of the dentists said that in all her professional life she had never seen such a disappointing state of cracked and rotten decay. A spokesman for Fife Council claimed, however, that improvements to Dunfermline town centre would take place as soon as possible.
The Executive have announced that hospital waiting times continue to fall. Health Minister Andy Kerr claimed that the waiting time to see a consultant for advice on abortion had now fallen to just 10 months.
Plans to reintroduce the wolf into Scotland were shelved yesterday when Hearts’ owner Vladimir Romanov announced they were 2 years too late.
Health chiefs are to issue a new emergency contraceptive pill designed for students who experience memory loss after binge-drink-sex. It is to be called the Morning-after-the-day-before-last-Thursday-or-maybe-it-was-Tuesday pill.
In a response to Sunday sailings in the Western Isles the Wee Free Church has commissioned the building of 4 new Roll-On-Bugger-Off ferries.
The Holyrood Roof Inquiry Committee was left in disarray this week when 5 of its members broke away, formed a splinter group and swung to the left.
There was chaos in the Lords this week during a debate about public toilet provision. Violence erupted when the Peers had extreme difficulty in passing a motion on the white paper following an all-night sitting.
The new chairman of the Student Loans Company, Greek business tycoon Stelios, says he has no plans to change the name of the company to Easy-Debt.
A contestant is to sue the producers of the TV makeover programme ‘Ten Years Younger’ after her employer told her she would now have to work until 75 to claim a full pension.
The CIA was accused this week of employing starvation and denial of water on torture flights from Scotland to Cuba. A CIA spokesman denied all knowledge of the flights and said it was more likely to be the new RyanAir service from Prestwick to Havana.
Following the smoking ban, the fireworks ban and the fox-hunting ban the Blair Government has announced its intention to go all out for the Taliban.
A motorist who changed his license plate to H5N1 FLU was charged this week for excess speeding. In court, the judge fined him £100, gave him 3 penalty points and ordered him to be kept indoors for 3-months as a precaution.
Tragedy at the Glasgow Art Fair this week when a 2-ton Sir Henry Moore sculpture toppled over and killed 3 visitors. A spokeswoman for the Fair passed on her condolences but said the accident was also a tremendous example of abstract compressionism.
Police have warned clubbers of the dangers of a new designer drug called FAB which is flooding into Scotland. The drug is normally cut into 2 pieces, ingested orally after chewing and taken with a warm, sugary drink. The Police have issued a FAB information leaflet called Folic Acid Bread – know the Score.
Scottish fingerprint experts were drafted in this week to help analyse 2 dead swan carcasses. Prints of the webbed feet were processed in order to determine the gender of the wild birds. In their preliminary report the SCRO said there was no doubt whatsoever that the prints belonged to Shirley McKie and that she should be isolated immediately and kept under 24-hour surveillance.
Following the news that Folic Acid is to be added to bread, the new designer drug of choice for ravers with the munchies is the Club Sandwich.
The new Special Operations Anti-Terrorism Unit has launched a hi-tech initiative to detect Al-Qaeda chatter and message passing on the Web. The initiative has been given the codename Operation Talibanter.
Scientists have admitted defeat in their quest to find a cure for the Winter Vomiting virus in hospitals. Instead, they have suggested that hospital managers install sun-lamps and palm trees while patients should wear beach towels, carry a stuffed donkey, sing Y Viva España and keep an emergency sombrero handy in order to fool the winter bug.
OK, constable, what have we got ?5 deid swans and 12 deid ducks, sir.Right, I’ll get on to the Chief Veterinary Officer, DEFRA and Ross Finnie.Nae need sir, look, ah found an empty Greggs bag, somebody’s been feeding them Steak Bakes.
During his visit to Glasgow this week Bill Clinton has praised the Executive in their efforts to contain bird flu. The ex-President also revealed a surprise interest in ornithology claiming his favourite birds as the red breast, the blue tit, the blackbird, any type of wren, the dipper, the deep-throated warbler, the peacock and his all-time favourite the un-spotted woodpecker.
Scottish Police are to follow the lead of their Australian colleagues and adopt the use of clairvoyants in murder investigations. However, the Edinburgh Police have declined to take part in the initiative as they flatly refuse to make any use of weegie boards.
The Tartan Army and the Salvation Army have announced a merger and will create a new periodical called The Christian Dailly.
Violence erupted at the Jockey Club this week following the news that their members are putting their health at risk with continual dieting. Brutal fighting broke out among the jockeys during the selection process for the mount of the Derby favourite Beef or Salmon.
Following the news of that church attendance in the Western Isles is in rapid decline the Stornoway branch of Tesco has announced an initiative to help called Buy One get Wee Free.
Surprises galore at the Iranian Film and Television Awards this week when the TV shows ‘Countdown’ and ‘Invasion’ failed to get a nomination while there were special gongs for the films ‘The Madness of King George’ and ‘The Blair Witchhunt Project’.
The Cash for Privileges scandal showed no sign of abating this week. A leaked document revealed that for £10 million you can get a seat in the Lords, for £20 million you can get a seat in the Cabinet and for £30 million you can get a seat in a surgery with an out-of-hours GP.
The White House was reeling this week when devastating evidence was presented to the UN which will allow Iran to go ahead with its nuclear ambitions. Iranian lawyers successfully argued that ‘If Homer Simpson can control a nuclear power plant then so can we’.
In a bid to stop the singing of controversial lyrics at Ibrox, Rangers fans will instead be asked to hum loudly their favourite tunes. A player’s spokesman backed the initiative and claimed that there was now ‘a real buzz about the place’.
Tom Cruise has vowed to eat his baby’s placenta with a stuffed-crust pizza and a 2-litre bottle of Pepsi after his wife insisted on having a home delivery.
New research suggests that spending an extra hour in bed could help weight loss as it eases food cravings. The Scottish Executive commented that the research was timely following a mass population weight gain of 5 million pounds when the clocks went forward two weeks ago.
Maureen Watt, SNP list MSP for NE Scotland, became first MSP to take an oath in Doric this week. Following her speech some MSPs were critical of her use of a translator. Both Rosie Kane and Colin Fox of the SSP claimed they have been forced make speeches throughout their entire political career without the use of a translator.
Actor Keifer Sutherland is set to star in a new British drama which has been described as a combination of Casualty and The Bill. The new programme is to be called NHS-24.
Actor Michael Douglas is set to receive an honorary degree of Laws from St. Andrews University. The University Chaplain said it was a well-deserved award and described Mr. Douglas as, ‘without doubt, a true Son of the Kirk’.
20% of people surveyed said they would like a 25p coin, 59% would like a £5 coin while 77% said they couldn’t give a toss.
Celtic have been given planning permission for a new training academy in the grounds of the old Lennox Castle Hospital. A Health spokesperson said it was nice to at last see some continuity planning for Care in the Community.
Dundee’s economy is said to be on the up after a multi-million pound investment in the city was announced this week. Fans of Dundee FC, however, were dejected to hear that main investment source was from an Arab millionaire.
Celtic have hit a snag in their planning application for a new training ground at Lennoxtown. The club will now consider alternative locations including Johnstone, Craigton, Clarkston, McNeilston, CumbernAuld, the Wallace monument, Provanmill, Bonnar Bridge and feed-the-Bearsden.
An Army radio announcer with a speech impediment was dismissed yesterday after attempting the line ‘…Cunning stunt to split the Shi-ites using the Turkish Kurds’.
In a tabloid serialisation the disgraced former Catholic Bishop for Argyll and the Isles, Roderick Wright, has spoken of his conversion to the Church of Scotland and his fight with alcohol and faith. The tabloid headline was ‘PRODDY RODDY in VODDIE BOTTLE BINGE’N’BIBLE BATTLE’.
John Prescott’s battle to lose weight is to be sponsored by The Communication Workers Union. They have offered to wire up his mouth, fix his broadband and put him on a high-fibre optic diet.
A Hawick doctor has criticised staffing levels in the NHS on his return from a year in Africa with the medical charity Doctors Without Borders. He has now decided to form a local pressure group to address the staffing issue called Borders Without Doctors.
Scots squaddies in Iraq have been amusing themselves by posting pictures of each other on a Hot or Not website. Al-Qaeda have retaliated by using the same images on their own website called Shot or Not.
A Glasgow woman is to sue the crematorium who mixed up her father’s ashes with someone else’s. Her legal team, Lawyers-Direct, have released a statement saying ‘Where there’s a flame, there’s a claim’.
Prince Harry has refused to dye his hair to make him less conspicuous in a war zone. The ginger Prince claimed that it should be possible for someone with his hair colour to be constantly under-fire in a foreign country, to be a hate figure and focal point for abuse and violence having seen how Neil Lennon had survived in Scotland.
John Prescott’s mystery lover has been revealed as David Blunkett.A Barra GP has defended his £300,000 a year salary by claiming it can be put down to his specialism in Oncology – he has been On-Call non stop for the last 3 years.
10 West Highland women are being sought for a new BBC series based on finding a lover in a small, rural environment. The program is to be called Desperate Crofters.
British Eurovision entrant, Daz Canpbell, has claimed to know lots of gangsters in Manchester and anyone crossing him will ‘end up with a horses head in their bed’. On hearing this Ruud van Nistlerooy immediately submitted a transfer request from Man. Utd.
A new on-line auction site from Yorkshire has been launched this week called eBay-Gum.
David Murray announced his engagement this week to 34 year old lawyer Kae Tinto. The pre-nuptial agreement was set up by Donald Findlay QC where Ms Tinto will have the right to half of Murray’s estate if she runs a nice house and keeps busy by being up to her knees in menial work.
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