gagpolitik

Scottish Political Gags January 2008

2008-01-18T05:49:00.001-08:00

HECTOR, one of the world’s most powerful super-computers, was unveiled this week at the University of Edinburgh. It will be used for meteorology, space research and all future CIS Cup draws.

Donald Trump says he is fed-up with Scotland and has revealed plans for the World’s first 17-hole golf course in Northern Ireland because Martin McGuiness and Gerry Adams refused to walk on the 12^th.

Tommy Sheridan was seen rushing to the scene of the Glasgow Squinty Bridge accident after he heard it had began swinging in the middle of the night.

A leading fertility expert says the squinty Bridge accident was caused by failing nuts and poor erection leading to a lack of stiffness in the collapsing member.

The head of American Homeland Security says Europe now represents biggest terrorist threat to his country following the formation of a Swedish Jihadist group called Ikea-Da.

The boss of a chain of sperm banks has been accused of arranging donations to help labour.

Scottish Footballers must be more careful about what they post on on-line lifestyle sites such as Facebook according to the players spokesperson Bebo Balde.

Following their recent good behaviour UEFA have given Rangers supporters special dispensation to sing the Sash during the transfer window.

New Hibs boss Mixu Paateleinen says his first signing will be an Italian Finisher – Chianti Niemi.

Ex-Newcastle boss Sam Allardyce has denied calling supporters the Dark Side of the Toon and Animals and says it was just a Floydian slip.

Sam Allardyce has refused to blame injuries to key players for his sacking at Newcastle but he did want to change the shirt sponsor to Northern Crock.

On Merseyside, five burglars have admitted breaking into Liverpool players’ homes while they were playing away in Europe but they deny theft as they couldn’t find any silverware.

Hundreds of Scots women fear they have had their IDs stolen after reporting highly unusual spending patterns on their store cards - nothing had been spent during the first 2 weeks of the January sales.

Strathclyde Police have uncovered details of hundreds of torture flights leaving from Glasgow Airport last year. All of the victims had their passports stamped in Milan, Kiev and Lisbon and were wearing Celtic strips at the time.

(Knock on farmer’s door)

Evenin’ Sir, we’re from DEFRA – I’m afraid we’re going to have to cull all your cattle.
Whit!?...You must be jokin’ – whit’s ‘rang wi’ them?
Its Bluenose.
Whi’…d’ye no’ mean…Bluetongue?
Naw, definitely Bluenose, y’see these are all Brigton Dairy Coos.

In the race for the White House, Hilary Clinton says voter memories of Monica Lewinski helped her to really blow the Iowa Caucus.

Will Smith is to star in the sequel to the blockbuster I am Legend. Set in Glasgow in 2006 he plays a lone survivor in a hostile city under constant attack in a disaster movie called I am Leguen.

Workers in Aberdeen will be the first in the UK to be paid £1000 for stress during equal pay negotiations. Spokesman for the workers, Jimmy Calderwood, said he would use the money in the transfer window.

Andreas Hinkel says he is delighted to be following in the foosteps of other great German Celts like Raus Wallace, Rafael Scheisse, Wee Joe Müller, Harald Braatwürst, Hock Stein, Franz MacAvennie, Gerry Creaney and Celtic's founding father Brother Walfritz.

June 2007 Political Gags

2007-06-03T03:54:00.000-07:00

American astronaut Sunita Williams set a new record for a woman this week by spending 188 consecutive days in space, breaking the record previously held by Kate Moss.

Ian Botham says Johnnie Beattie thoroughly deserves his MBE from the Queen even though Beefy was the only one who ever got hold of the Ashes.

Caley Thiste have confirmed one of their players did take drugs during last week's Rock Ness festival. A club spokesman said they knew something was wrong when the white lines began to disappear on the Caledonian stadium pitch.

River City's Johnnie Beattie is to be awarded an MBE - for murdering british entertaiment.

A Dutch lorry driver was filmed by traffic police driving with his knees while eating a pot of spaghetti. In court the man was named as Tomasso Van Pasten of Breda driving a VW Passatta.

Holyrood has shelved plans for a new 300 mph high-speed train link between Glasgow and Edinburgh because it would only confirm Falkirk as a blurry disgrace.

In the honours list this week Ian Dickinson, of Lothian and Borders Police, has been awarded the Queen's Police Medal but says he should have been knighted as he is used to feeling a chib on each shoulder on a Saturday night patrol.

Allegations of disharmony at Hibs resurfaced this week when John Collins was spotted at the Leith Lost Property Office looking for a dressing room.

An Edinburgh man has admitted assaulting a city Rickshaw driver because he was a basket-case that was trying to pull his girlfriend.

A new meals-on-wheels home delivery service using roller skaters has been launched this week by grocers Henry Heelies.

In a TV interview Princes Harry and William revealed how their mother enjoyed being called the Princess of Hearts because, like all Hibs 'keepers, she knew she was also an accident waiting to happen.

BBC Scotland say they are treating seriously a coded death threat issued to one of their staff in a news item this week about ospreys who often like to kill their chick young.

Hibs are to experiment with a new system to strengthen their weak defence by playing a six pack four.

Donald Findlay has denied telling a sectarian joke and claimed all he was doing was Rambling on about the Right to Rome.

Health campaigners say Russian men are putting their lives in danger by drinking cleaning products and aftershave. Muscovites said their normal daily tipple was a half-pint of Harpic and a wee Hasselhauf.

In order to protect vulnerable people, Disclosure Scotland has asked Interpol to inform them about foreign criminal records after the sudden release without warning of a new Julio Iglesias CD.

There was confusion at Glasgow Airport this week when the Control Tower reported a distressed bull wandering about in a daze on the runway. The RSPCA later confirmed the animal had been a belted Galloway.

Scotland has been voted the worst small country in Western Europe. Business leaders said it was not the 10 years of Tony Blair that were to blame but rather the 2 years when Bertie Vogts was in charge.

Formula 1 hero Lewis Hamilton says his diamond-encrusted helmet helped him win his first Grand Pricks.

Alex Salmond says the aggressive and insulting Newsnight interview experience has had a profound effect on him and has put him right off his wark.

Jennifer Aniston says she has converted her new Essex brickie boyfriend to the religion of scientology and he will be known from now on as the son of Hod.

Contrary to public opinion, Judges and Lawyers have voted unanimously to continue wearing wigs in court and now wish to addressed as m'luddite.

Sony has apologised to the Church of England for creating a violent video game which depicts Manchester Cathedral. The company says they have no plans for a sequel showing St. Patrick's in Anderston.

DaMarcus Beasley says it he will be proud to sign for Rangers and follow in the great American-Ibrox footsteps of Franny Jefferson, Tennessee Williamson and George Washinghun.

John Collins says player accusations about his vanity and narcissism have had a big effect on him and he has been forced to take a long, hard look at himself in the mirror.

In an interview this week Gordon Strachan revealed that his new passtime is visiting zoos as it helps him confront his fear of being attacked again by another wild animal from the Jungle.

Portuguese Police this week arrested a man who was seen acting strangely with a small girl on a beach. They were released 2 hours later when their passports showed they were the Krankies on their summer holidays.

John Collins has denied stitching the letters 'JC' into his training gear because he really believes he is the son of God.

Tony Blair has failed to make the Guinness Book of Records for the longest goodbye ever in world history as he was just beaten by 2 days by Dado Prso.

John Collins has given details about his strict training regime for Hibs players which begins with 200 sit-ups, then 300 press-ups followed by 22 shut-the-fcuk-ups.

Hibs have revealed their new strip for next season - the team will play in orange boilersuits.

Alex Salmond is to boost Scotland's renewable energy capacity by fitting a solar panel to the seat of has pants as he believes the sun always shines out of his arse.

Celtic have launched a campaign to improve eating habits in the community by presenting Killen, Vennegoor, Burns and Miller as a kiwi, an orange, a pineapple and a turnip.

Hibs boss John Collins denies he is running the club like a strict prison regime and says he learned his training ideas from an ex-football colleague - Guantanamo Johnston.

Justice minister Kenny MacAskill says sex offenders will be tracked by satellite and arrested by police if they misbehave in a new campaign called Operation Sputnicked.

Greggs the bakers are to expand into Russia in order to help provide Scottish bachelors with mail order bridies.

Researchers have developed a new guitar effects unit which recreates the sound of a small barking dog and is called the Chihuahua pedal.

Crufts web site was closed down by Police this week following accusations about on-line grooming.

Paris Hilton says she will follow the example of Jimmy Boyle and go on a dirty protest by spreading faeces all over her cell. A prison spokesman said they were delighted that she was repairing the cracks in the walls using Plaster of Paris.

Paris Hilton says she can only survive being in prison by offering sexual services to inmates and prison guards and will now change her name to Bangkok Hilton.

Following the row over abortion Catholic MPs have voted to continue receiving communion - by a wafer-thin majority.

South Yorkshire Police became the first in UK this week to give their dogs full protective armour. The vest is made of a special material which prevents a stab from the outside but when the dog cocks its leg it can still have a slash from the inside.

Liz MacDonald the new belly-dancing provost of Nairn was rushed to Hospital last night after she took her eye out walking down the stairs wearing her chain of office.

Renfrewshire Council graffiti teams are now using Buckfast to clean walls after they discovered its powerful cleansing effect. Following its success Council cleaners will now use Harpic lager to scrub the toilets.

Frankie Dettori won the Derby for the first time this week but failed a dope test after he revealed he hadn't beaten Ally McCoist at a Question of Sport for 5 years.

Gaza says he sympathises with the Newcastle family forced to move house 3 times because they have ginger hair. He said he was forced to do the same thing in Glasgow after he was accused of being a dirty orange Geordie.

120 litter louts were captured and fined £50 this week by the new Glasgow City council hit-squad called the Gangsta sweetie rappers.

Leeds City Council are to give the Freedom of Yorkshire to Robert Mugabe after they realised his name spelt backwards was ebagum.

Jack McConnell says he now supports the scrapping of Bridge Tolls because Bridget Told him tae.

The campaign to save the Scottish Fishing Fleet was given a boost when Nicola Sturgeon pledged her full support. She said she wanted to be known as the fisherman's friend and not just another nippy wee sweetie.

Gordon Ramsay says he will no longer sell Carpaccio of Clydesdale in his restaurant after a man fell ill and was taken to hospital after eating the horse meat. Doctors describe his condition as stable.

Scotland Yard have commissioned a new song in memory of the undercover policeman killed in the Diana car accident - it will be written by Bobby Crush.

May 2007 Political Gags

2007-05-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

Scotland Yard have re-opened the Alexander Litvinenko case following the discovery of video footage which shows him eating a Clover sandwich.

More than 25,000 fans gathered this week for a convention to mark 30 years since the release of Star Wars. The event was overshadowed by the sad news that Choobacca had been killed in a snuff movie.

The Queen has criticised Channel 4's decision to screen graphic images of a mangled wreck and denies she gave them permission to show any photos of her husband.

A protest march against homophobia in Moscow descended into violence after the arrest of Peter Tatchell and Right-Said-Fred by the GayGB.

Following its recall, Clover is to be rebranded as the butter you can make a sandwich with without using bread as it already comes with its own dark crust.

Celtic cup final hero Jean-Joel Perrier Doumbe has revealed that he has Scottish ancestry- his Grandfather fought with the 1st Battalion of the Cameroon Highlanders.

The main winners at this week's British Soap Awards were all from Eastenders - in particular those from Shettleston, Garthamlock and Parkhead.

TESCO has been accused of filling its stores with mouldy and crusty old items way past their sell by date. A spokesman said it was still their policy to employ the over-60s.

Government Scientists say the recent bird-flu outbreak in Wales was due to the fact that the chickens were free-range and were allowed to wander about all day in the clover.

Gordon Strachan says his fear of hospitals kept him from undergoing his hip operation. His fears were heightened when his anaesthetist told him he was a supporter of one of the Glasgow clubs but it turned out to be the Jags.

Labour MP Anne Moffat says she compared Alex Salmond to Adolf Hitler because of his role in writing a constituency tourist brochure called Mein Banff.

A new seres of SpringWatch began this week with the highlights being some beautiful blue tits, some lovely orange lillies and a dead green finch according to presenter Bill Proddie.

Annabel Goldie says she will do everything possible to halt the progress of the SNP and she wants be know formally as Anny De Veto.

The Queen presented the Scottish Police Force with a new tartan this week. It was described as a shocking blend of clans Todd and Frazer and will be called the Tazer Tartan.

A new ship called The Sound of Rox has been launched as the latest Caledonian MacBryan Ferry.

Alex Salmond says he will forge strong links between Edinburgh and Brussels as its the only way to get Hearts into Europe next season.

The Greens and the SNP are to create a white paper block any Shit-to-Shit transfers in the Firth of Forth.

Presiding Officer Alex Fergusson claims that Nicola Sturgeon is in dire need of a makeover and says he will give her the hairdryer treatment at half-time.

The Government has warned about the dangers of surfing the internet while drunk after a man hit a T and crashed his computer while trying to make a forward slash.

Gordon Ramsay says he now hates all Vegetarians because he can no longer serve Roast Leg of Mars Bar in his restaurant.

The enquiry into the Election fiasco claims that it was totally predictable for Scotland to lose 140,000 votes as this was the same number of games lost by Berti Vogts.

The Cat Protection League has criticised a judge for handing a paltry fine of only £300 to a Dumfries woman who drowned her neighbour's cat in the River Nith. The judge said it was only her first offence but if she did it again she would then be fined for dropping a litter.

The Government has warned parents about the effects of wi-fi laptops on teenagers as it may lead to stunted growth and a persistent child-like state. Further information is contained on the web site http://www.douglasalexander.com/.

The Home Office says it will stop using dogs during dawn raids on the children of asylum seekers and will instead now use ospreys.

An American tourist who wandered naked around Nuremberg because he thought it was what Germans did has been criticised by the Mayor of the town - Herr E. Ballacks.

A 34 year old Leeds man was accused this week of possessing an Al-Qaeda manual which could have been used as a guide for human torture and psychological distress. Yorkshire Police were forced to apologise when the manual turned out to be an furniture assembly leaflet from IKEA.

Jack McConnell claims Labour would have won Cunninghame North from the SNP if Hunterston 'B' had been running as it would have been used to generate an extra 140,000 votes.

An obese American who was airlifted from a cruise ship in Firth of Forth reacted angrily when told that the Captain had sent for a Sea King Chopper and not for a burger King Whopper.

In a survey this week almost 80% of MSPs were against nuclear power. They have now been accused abandoning Scotland's rural fission communities.

Boxer Scott Harrison was arrested again this week during a brawl in a Spanish Brothel. His defence team said he was startled by the last bells on his 12th round when he was floored by a right hooker.

Alex Salmond is to follow Gordon Brown's lead and create 5 new Green Towns in Scotland beginning with Eco Bride.

Following her discovery by Hollywood talent spotters, Jackie Bird is set to star with Johnny Depp in the film sequel - Pirates of the Carribean 4 - The Sunken Chest.

A woman who stole 40 raincoats then returned them the next day has been described by Psychiatrists as being completely Anoraxic.

Walter Smith says it was not a desperate move to contact the British Deaf Society as they were the only ones who would sign for him this week.

The father of a North African immigrant family in Scotland has been accused of child abandonment following the news that Henry the osprey kicked 4 eggs out of its Speyside nest.

Shock figures show that the number of Scots women breast feeding their children has fallen to a new low. Health campaigners say they are delighted with the news as there is no room in society for chicken nuggets.

A Press campaign and a substantial reward have been used this week to help locate a missing Scots child. The infant has not been seen for a fortnight, has dark hair and answers to the name of Douglas Alexander.

The UN says that war crimes and mass torture are still ongoing in the former Yugoslavia and has demanded the immediate handover of Karadzic, Mladic and the lead singer of the Serbian Group that won of the Eurovision Song contest.

Burtons the biscuit makers has axed 660 workers this week. Business commentators say the wheels had fallen off their wagon a long time ago.

Strathclyde Police say Seville will not be allowed to make a lap of honour after the UEFA Cup final as there is a banning order in place for orange walks.

The Pope has canonised Brazil's first saint in front of a million people. He will be known as St. Pele dos Santos do Macaroona for his commitment to piety and bovril.

Glasgow’s Business community say the UEFA Cup final has boosted the city economy with a significant increase in the number of Catalans in Matalan and Sevillians in the City Chambers.

Scots musicians are to tour the world's poorest countries to help make poverty history beginning with Phil Cunningham in Alybania.

Rangers' new French striker Jean-Claude Darcheville says he is called 'The Rocket' because he has the same disciplinary problems as snookers' Ronnie 'The Rocket' O'Sullivan - he is always getting two straight yellows followed by a red.

The UK Food Watchdog is backing mandatory fortification of flour with folic acid. Drug dealers are now supplying ravers with club sandwiches.

At 105 years old, Sheila Thomson of Dundee this week became the UK's oldest driver. She says she keeps up with the city's boy racers by playing Great Great Gran Theft Auto on her Playstation 3.

Ian Paisley says he had no problem meeting Bertie Ahern because he is an experienced politician who has "been there, done that and bought the Taoiseach".

Tommy Sheridan says he was tired and emotional during a melanomatic farewell speech to his Pollok constituents.

Turkey Twizzlers are back on the menu in school canteens following a glowing report about their health benefits from the BMA - the Bernard Matthews Association.

Plans are underfoot for Scotland's own Diana Memorial Event with a £1000-a-head bash in the Tunnel nightclub in Glasgow.

As a mark of respect to Tony Blair's legacy, Gerry Adams says he will change the name of his party from Sinn Fein to Spin Vain.

A wayward albatross has been seen near a small Scottish island having first been spotted off Shetland in 1967. Celtic say they will now hold a 40th anniversary celebration dinner-dance for the bird involving the Lisbon Lions, release a new away strip and a special DVD called 'Life on the Wing' with a foreword by Bobby Lennox.

The Catholic church is said to be furious about a new Channel 4 gameshow aimed at priests called 'Feel or No Feel'.

A bird charity and the Rangers Supporters Party of Belfast are to fight a court battle for the right to use the acronym RSPB. "Its all about keeping football away from our quiet hobby" said the spokesman for the ornithologists, Mr Bill Proddie.

Celtic's Aiden McGeady says there was no chance of him spoiling his ballot paper as he never, ever puts more than one cross in the box.

The man who destroyed 3 ballot boxes with a golf club has been charged with reckless driving. In his defence he said he was a swing voter who wanted to force a wedge between the parties and strike a blow for the Greens.

Following the SNP victory Gordon Brown says he will change the Labour anthem to be 'Things Can Only get Bitter'.

Tony Blair denies plotting against Gordon Brown after he said that John Reid would be an extremely hard man to follow.

New right-wing President Nicolas Sarkozy has vowed to expulse all immigrants from France. He has now had his passport removed and is currently on his way to the airport with a one-way ticket back to Hungary.

After defeating the 3 main Unionist parties Alex Salmond says he now has the Balmoral Authority to ruin the country.

Nicola Sturgeon says she would be delighted to meet the Queen to discuss Scotland's future after the election so she has arranged to see Patrick Harvey on Saturday.

Following the election the Lib-Dems say they are happy to be known as the key party for change - because everybody else has them in their back pockets.

A new range of underwear designed by physicists has been released. The design uses the techniques of quantum simmetry, complex algebra and vulgar string theory.

The Glastonbury Festival is set to provide free loo rolls to festival goers. Events organisers in Scotland say there are no plans to do the same at this year's P in the Park.

A woman who laced her husband's curry with dog poo in a revenge attack against her husband says she got the idea fom a recipe book by Indian actress Shilpa Shitty.

The first of the new summer blockbuster films has been released in which the superhero fights hard to stop his dark side slipping out - the film is called Spiderman 3 - Toby versus Joby.

A security review of all buildings in Scotland has been ordered after Animal Rights Extremists broke in and released 50 people from a Glasgow Call Centre this week.

A breakthrough headache tablet hit the market this week. The pill is rubbed 3 times on the side of the head and the pain disappears in a flash - the product is called Alladin Extra.

The ex-Chairman of BP, Lord Browne, claims he was sacked for his role in the Alaskan oil-pipe leak. In a statement he said he did all he could and was proud to have been the only gay at the spillage.

Prince Harry says he is well prepared for his stint in Iraq having studied an Army training video called 'Being Ginger in a Conflict Zone' - also known as 'The Neil Lennon Story'.

April 2007 Political Gags

2007-04-24T15:49:00.000-07:00

The Military has apologised for the body mix-up in coffins returning from Afghanistan. A spokesman said this was not due to a cock-up by the Royal Air Force but rather by the Royal Mail Parcel Force.

MI5 has been criticised this week for failing to discover a massive fertilizer bomb. They also failed to detect the huge geranium enrichment plant next door.

Jack McConnell claims he was right to describe Motherwell as a 'pig-sty'. He says they should take example from their neighbours where an assault on selected joints helped cure Hamilton.

Prince Harry says he is delighted to at last be going to Iraq as he is looking for a challenge in a new frontier. He is also pretty keen on a new left ear and a new right ear too.

The IRA are chasing the £2 million said to be hidden by a republican prisoner released from a Glasgow jail this week. If the money fails to appear they say they can also accept a provo-cheque.

Top Shop have released a clothing range designed by Kate Moss and insist the new line is one not to be sniffed at.

Sir Bob Geldof says he will front a controversial campaign to help reduce the shocking number of teenage pregnancies in Scotland - the campaign is to be called Make Puberty History.

The CIA say a new splinter group of Al-Qaeda has been formed to put the wind up the Americans called Al-Qaseltzer.

Walter Smith says the addition of 7000 new seats at Ibrox will greatly improve the atmosphere at the ground. 1000 of the seats will go to fans while the other 6000 will be filled with UEFA observers with tape-recorders.

Rod Stewart has been invited to sing at the London Live Earth concert in aid of global warming. When asked what he thought the consequences of climate change would be he replied 'Hail, Hail'.

As a mark of respect to Dado Prso Rangers say they are looking for a new big, deadly hit man with a pony-tail and have asked for permissions to speak to Steven Segal.

The Russian authorities say the funeral arrangements are now in place for Boris Yeltsin. His body will lie in a right state then the open cask will be given a carry-out by 100 pipers and be taken to the Red Square Church of the Holy Spirit in a carriage driven by 3 Moscow Mules.

Following the GMTV quiz scandal the government has warned about the dangers of entering competitions with no chance of winning. They have sent a warning letter to all affected viewers and one extra to Annabel Goldie.

The Tories have revealed a plan to end the school run in cars by using Yellow Buses. As global warming takes effect they say the kids will then be taken to school using yellow submarines.

Strathclyde Police say vandals caused hundreds of pounds worth of damage at the Glasgow Art Fair when they slashed, defecated and urinated on a curtain. The damage was recovered when the curtain was later sold for £10,000.

Simon Cowell says he is devastated and livid following his UK house burglary. In a statement he said if the thiefs were ever brought to court he really wants to be one of the judges.

Environmentalists say the spillage of raw sewage into the Firth of Forth has helped elevate Portobello sands into one of Scotland's top 10 cleanest beaches.

Heavy rain this week mean't that Parts of Easter Road stadium were affected by raw sewage and faeces from the Forth. Despite health concerns the managment and players have agreed not to clean the putrid mess as what goes on in the dressing room stays in the dressing room.

Kilmarnock's security chief says Celtic supporters were not to blame for the breakage of seats at Rugby Park. After reviewing video evidence of the match he now says the damage was caused by 10 of Steven Pressley's attempted clearances.

Madonna says her adoption of third-world children is not a publicity stunt to boost her flagging career - although she did admit that her star is now on the wane.

70's icons Deep Purple, Pan's People and Bread are to form a new supergroup called Deep Pan Pizza.

After the success of Pop Idol and American Idol ITV are to produce a new show to help the long term unemployed called Bone Idol.

The Clydeside Celtic Supporters Trust have also voted Shunsuke Nakamura their player of the year. He will receive his award at the annual dinner-dance of the Yokerhama No.1 supporters club.

Following Labour's election broadcast gaffe, which used an ex-party member in the cast, Jack McConnell was forced to make an apology via the internet on YouTubeYae.com.

George Bush says that the situation in Iraq is now out of control and wishes to send in a new zero-tolerance force to sort out the insurgents - the Spanish and Italian Police.

Director Ken Loach is to film a gritty new drama set in Greenock about a ned who climbs up the social ladder using his upper-class mistress - the film is to be called Buckfast at Tiffany's.

The SNP have accused Labour of having their own tax bombshell - Trident.

World Bank director Paul Wolfowitz was accused this week of arranging pay rise for his girlfriend. Bank staff were delighted when he dismissed their complaints by telling them to 'go take a hike'.

The Lib-Dems have emphasised their commitment to making Scotland the wind power capital of the world by slashing taxes on cauliflower pakora, chilli beans and donner kebabs.

The Head of Defence has apologised for the fiasco which proved to be a total embarrassment to his colleagues and his leader. However, Hibs captain Rob Jones still thinks John Collins is an arrogant wee diddy.

Jack McConnell says Labour will clamp down on thuggery by having instant ASBO fines. Opposition parties claim they are just trying to make a fast buck from Buckfast.

Traffic Police say there was an accident involving the Scottish Tory Battle Bus this week when Annabel Goldie tripped up crossing Lothian Road and twisted her ankle.

Presiding Officer of the Scottish Parliament George Reid was awarded the Freedom of Clackmannanshire this week for his services to the County. This means he can now wash his clothes in Alloa town square, sleep for free in Stirling Castle and be able to buy discounted furniture from Dougie Donnelly.

Raith Rovers fan Gordon Brown was said to be furious with George Bush after discovering he is a Dunfermline supporter. A Whitehouse spokesman said the President always prefers his stars'n'stripes.

Following the split from his girlfriend Kate Middleton, Prince William has told friends he feels completely and utterly lost - so he has decided to join the Royal Navy.

The Scottish Tories say they will promote a healthy diet for all Scots by concentrating only on Bread and Butter issues.

The BBC is to screen a new comedy which is described as a blend of NatureWatch and the Vicar of Dibley - the programme is to be called The Bird of Prey.

A neighbourhood Watch scheme in Morningside has been accused of wasting Police time after reporting a murder of hooded crows in the local woods.

The SNP's Angus MacNeil claims his romp with two teenagers was all part of their education about politics - in particular, how to hold an election.

Lee Miller has apologised for baring his backside to Dundee Utd fans. A fans' spokesman said they appreciated the gesture and they are over the moon.

Keith Richards insists he would never snort anyone's remains again after a bad trip last year with the ashes of Alexander Litvinenko.

No breaks for the 15 navy marines freed from Iran as they are to be sent immediately to police another water conflict zone - they are to patrol Loch Lomond Shores at the Glasgow Fair weekend.

Following the success of the Roman epic I, Claudius the BBC is to screen a new film about the Viking invasion of Britain called I, Kea.

Shirley McKie flew in from exile in Australia this week to announce her support for the Green Party - and immediately flew back after questions about the size of her carbon footprint.

Alex Salmond says all bridge tolls should be scrapped because everybody else should be like him and be able to walk on water.

England Cricket captain Michael Vaughan has been arrested for the murder of Bob Woolmer in Jamaica. In a statement he said 'after the funeral, it was the only way the team could return home with the Ashes'.

A trial of free crossings on the Tay Road bridge had to be scrapped this week after a stampede by Aberdonian commuters

February 2007 Political Gags

2007-02-26T02:20:00.000-08:00

Relations between France and Britain reached a new low this week after P&O commissioned the building of 2 new Roll-On-Bugger-Off ferries for Channel crossings.

Ken Livingstone says that Government ministers responsible for the £9bn Olympics fiasco should be asked to take part in the games in the Catching the Javelin event.

In order to pay for the 2012 games the Government proposes to change the name of the International Olympic Committee - the I.O.C to the International Olympic Union - the I.O.U.

Following the Oscar win of 'The Last King of Scotland' Hollywood is planning a sequel about the demise of Idi Amin called 'Black Jock Down'.

Boffins at the MOD have developed a new type of invisible face-paint for Prince Harry in Iraq. Trials of the camouflage on John Prescott were reported as 100% successful as he hasn't been seen for months.

The TUC launched a campaign this week to highlight the excessive amount of unpaid overtime in the UK with the slogan "ITS FRIDAY, ITS 5 O'CLOCK, ITS............are you still here ?"

Prince Harry says he is well prepared for being sent into a heavily-armed conflict zone after his regiment, the Blues and Royals, spent a recent Tour of Duty in Peckham, South London.

The Blood Transfusion Service has recruited Stella McCartney, Will Carling and Pete Doherty for a new Ad to encourage donors with the slogan "We’ve got a pint of Stella, a pint of Carling and a pint of Coke".

Environmentalists have warned that sea-level rises around Britain may not be due to global warming but because fat Britons are now officially the heaviest in Europe.

Prince Harry says he is well prepared for Iraq having watched the Army Training Video 'Ginger in a Conflict Zone' - Anne Robinson's story of her time on The Weakest Link.

A new statue of Margaret Thatcher has been created for the House of Commons. The head and body are made of steel as a tribute to the Iron Lady and, for her contribution of the Council Tax, they are connected by a complete Brassneck.

A new green brochure was released this week called 'How to Get Rid of Your Carbon Footprint' written by Al Gore and Shirley McKie.

The Tory revival continued this week after they soared upwards to a record opinion poll rating of 42%. David Cameron responded to the news by saying that not since 1979 at Eton had he ever been so high.

Following the success of Life on Mars the BBC is to commission a new series starring Gillian McKeith called Life on Uranus.

Tony Blair says the recent shooting of children in London is not due to poverty, drugs or crime but must be blamed solely on Iran.

Friends star Jennifer Aniston denies having an abortive nose-job and that she has been suffering since with severe post-nasal depression.

A premature-born baby has been saved this week by using the impotence drug Viagra. Doctors say the normal function of the drug will also prevent him from rolling out of his cot.

Poo analyst Gillian McKeith says she will drop the Dr. from her name and now wishes to be known simply as Gillian McKeech.

David Cameron says child misbehaviour can be blamed directly on absent fathers. The Catholic Church has responded saying there was a significant reduction in the number of priests throwing a sickie this year.

Lawyers for Channel 4 say the episode of Glitzy Tits and Bitchy Fits has ended in a series of Brisky Writs after the Risky Brits.

Poo practitioner Gillian McKeith says she will continue to use Dr. before her name as she is proud of the work contained in her Doctoral Faeces, for which she gained a turd class honours at the University of St. Andrex.

A UNICEF report on child welfare has placed the UK at the bottom of the league. The Government say it is doing all it can to climb back up the table and has asked Portsmouth for permission to speak to Harry Redknapp.

The UNICEF report also claims a lack of sensitivity towards Britain's yobs is causing the youngsters extreme psychological harm in what they describe as the Broody Moody Hoody Syndrome.

Internet shoppers who buy their groceries on-line have complained that for each bag of shopping delivered there are always 15 extra tins of Spam to deal with.

Rangers and Celtic are set to boost season ticket sales by offering free Viagra to OAPs under a scheme called 'Help the Old Firm'.

Jade Goody is planning to release her autobiography in installments via mobile phones. Her book is called The Happy Slapper.

250 new Prison Guards graduated today as Home Office Minister John Reid took the salute at a Slopping-Out Ceremony in Perth.

After another bird-flu scare EU Foreign Ministers vow they will never let Turkey into Europe.

OK brother, Osama Bin Laden wishes you infinite glory on this mission against the infidels and if you are intercepted by the CIA or MI5 you must swallow immediately this pill.

Yes, brother, what is it ? Cyanide, Arsenic, Polonium 210?

No, its a Turkey Twizzler.

"All turkey products are safe to eat and are nuritious, delicious and healthy" - according to the spokesman for the BMA - the Bernard Matthews Association.

January 2007 Political Gags

2007-01-28T03:42:00.000-08:00

Anti-terrorist police have raided a Florists in Basingstoke following the discovery of a Geranium Enrichment Plant.

The Blood Transfusion Service has recruited Stella McCartney, David Tennant and Michelle McManus for a new ad to encourage donors with the slogan ‘We’ve got a pint of Stella, Tennants and Heavy’.

After signing for LA Galaxy, David Beckham has vowed to also support the Flakers and the Jammy Dodgers.

TESCO have celebrated the opening of their first store in Baghdad by giving a 2-for-1 offer on Sunni Delight, lemon Kurd and Mullah Rice.

Following their success in re-decorating a Glasgow Housing Scheme, Colin and Justin have been invited to Baghdad where they hope to expand the city's Green Zone into a nice Egg-Shell White and Aubergine-Terracotta Zone.

Drug addicts are to be offered shopping vouchers in a bid to help them kick the habit and help encourage e-commerce.

The pilot's union BALPA has announced they will support the strike by BA cabin crew by providing 300 flying pickets.

Following her husband's $128 million transfer, Posh Spice has been offered the lead role in a Hollywood film called 'Spend It like Beckham'.

Lord Advocate Colin Boyd QC has denied that the letters after his name stand for 'Questions for Cash' and that he has been caught by the post-nominals.

The SFA are to commission a special film as a tribute to their last three management teams. The film begins with 'Tom and Gerry' , follows with 'When Barry Met Ally' and finishes with 'The Eck-Factor'.

Allegations of collusion in the 1990s this week between the RUC, UDA and DoE to form a group called CU-UR-DEAD.

Hollywood has made an offer to Jade Goody to star in a Western with Clint Eastwood in which she plays 3 main roles. The film is called The Goody, the Baddie and the Ugly.

MTV is to screen a special tribute concert by The Electric Light Orchestra - Unplugged, followed by The Darkness.

On a visit to Bombay, Gordon Brown claims he was not comparing himself to a great Indian leader but to Scottish Health Minister Ghandi Kerr.

Jade Goody says she accepts completely the accusations of racism levelled at her as she ran last years London marathon.

Unlike Tony Blair, Gordon Brown and his advisor Ed Balls have declined an invitation to holiday at the Miami home of Robin Gibb fearing of accusations of impropriety. The Sun carried the headline 'EB,GB in Bee-Gee B'n'B TB Hee-Bee Gee-Bees'.

Following the recent extreme weather the BBC have received a record number of complaints that TV viewers were only able to see the Flood Alert after the watershed.

Fears of massive job losses in ship yards on the Clyde this week after the Government announced the building of 2 new P-45 type frigates.

Disappointment for supporters of the Union as a new survey revealed that 95% of the English thought that 1707 mean't they had missed the 5 O'clock train.

The Government has been criticised this week for putting Britain at risk by not issuing warnings about foreign criminal records after the release of a new Julio Iglesias CD in the UK.

Following the success of 'The Last King of Scotland' Hollywood is to release a sequel about the downfall of Idi Amin called 'Black Jock Down'.

Morrissey claims he should represent the UK in the Eurovision Song Contest because he knows the difference between J'en ai Marre and Johnny Marr.

Tony Blair has warned there are no shortcuts in combatting global warming and that he is in it for the long haul.

Following the Ipswich prostitute murders Suffolk police have issued a warning to the Norfolk Broads.

Women who smuggle drugs using tampons will face prison for trafficking crack cocaine.

Eczema charities have been warned that they face prosecution if they continue to raise funds using scratchcards.

The Press Complaints Commision is to investigate a tabloid story that Lady Diana was pregnant before the Paris crash with the headline "Daddy Dodi and Di Die in Danger Dash and Dunt".

A Little Chef roadside cafe has been spared closure after it won 3 Michelin tyres for the quality of its all-day fry-ups.

Anti-Europe campaigners have described the EU beef and butter mountains as the high steaks involved with a slippery slope to federalism.

Gordon Ramsay has agreed to become a patron of the Tourettes Society and was sworn in today at a ceremony in Cockfosters.

The Government has encouraged British scientists to take the lead in stem cell research and not to dilly-dolly on the way.

In a speech on the Protestant Working Class, Ian Paisley has expressed his solidarity with Guantanamo inmates saying he has always supported Orangemen in boilersuits.

In a world-first, Madonna is to play a concert Saudi Arabia on her "Madge-at-the-Haj" tour.

Following his resignation over Trident, Malcolm Chisholm says he is relieved to be away from the pressure of front-line politics and, in particular, from Life in the Faslane.

After the success of his new year speech on YouTube, supporters can now chat on-line with Alex Salmond using MSNp.

The Celtic management say they will support Thomas Gravesen in his row with the press regarding his soft-porn girlfriend by making him vice-captain of the club.

Risky and unstable coaches are an accident waiting to happen, according to Sir David Murray, chairman of Rangers

December 2006 Political Gags

2006-12-04T03:20:00.000-08:00

Psychiatrists have discovered a new illness which is described as a fear of outdoor sex known as Viagraphobia.

Following the Polonium 2.10 poisoning, Michael Barrymore was rushed to hospital with radiation sickness after swallowing some Palladium 7.30 in order to revive his career.

Pakistan claims India has tested an atomic bomb following the sighting of a mushroom pakora cloud in Kashmir.

Jack McConnell says he is delighted to be the first to second the third Forth-firth road bridge.

Ex-player John Brown has been denied a visa to follow Rangers in Israel after he admitted that in the 1980’s he was the Souey-side Bomber.

AC Milan fans have come up with a new chant to counter any on-field aggression from Bobo Balde by singing “Berlusconi Get Yae”.

The Palestinian Liberation Group says they will welcome Rangers to the middle-east, and anyone else with PLG written on their backs.

Vladimir Romanov has dismissed claims that he is laundering money in Hearts by saying they have not kept a clean sheet in months and his players refuse to tumble in the box.

Donald Rumsfeld has appealed for clemency for Saddam Hussein saying he deserves a fate worse than death and should be reappointed immediately as President of Iraq.

Scottish Enterprise has released a DVD to help local companies avoid pitfalls when competing in Europe. The DVD lasts 90 minutes with a foreword by Gordon Strachan.

Following the revelation that Glasgow Council leader Steven Purcell is gay, LibDem MSPs have announced that they are going straight.

A new Glaswegian on-line auction site for unwanted tat given as Christmas presents was launched this week called Jo-Bay.

Scientists have confirmed that this year’s first sightings of the Northern Lights were false and were put down to Aberdeen manager Jimmy Calderwood out hill-walking.

A Scottish Executive report into sex trafficking has revealed immigrants are being used as Pole dancers and Lapp dancers.

Farepak campaigners have said they will do all they can to hamper a HBOS champagne party in Edinburgh.

Following the death of the dictator General Pinochet a chef in a Mexican restaurant has created a new dish in his memory called Chile con Carnage.

Sir Paul McCartney is to contest claims of domestic abuse by claiming he has never had a hit in 15 years and his last 3 efforts have really failed to set the Heather on fire.

Gordon Brown is said to be delighted with new adviser Al Gore’s first recommendation of a mass inoculation of the British public against TB.

Environmentalists have identified office toilets as a target for reducing carbon emissions. George Bush has responded by saying he will cut Whitehouse Out-house Greenhouse gases.

Gordon Strachan says it is now unlikely that David Beckham will sign for Celtic following his gaffe when he thought Posh Spice was putting sea-salt and balsamic vinegar on your chips.

The row over Fat Cat salaries surfaced again this week after the director of the GHA asked to be placed on a JK Rolling contract.

Manchester City footballer Joey Barton, who exposed his rear end to Everton fans, has expressed his relief at the lightness of his sentence saying he was over the moon.

A thief who stole 100 Blackberry PDAs, 300 Apple computers and 200 Orange mobiles has been constantly on the run since Police pressed charges against him.

Following the success of a cartoon about the life of John Paul II the Vatican is to release another animation about the relationship between Cardinal Winning and the current Pope. The cartoon is to be called Tom & Jerry.

Tony Blair has denied tampering with a report into the wearing of veils in schools following accusations of a cover up.

The Pope has denied causing offence on his visit to Turkey by asking for a Madonna kebab for his lunch.

Scientists have warned of the unintended consequences of global warming following the news that the Arctic Monkeys have split.

A Green Party Ceilidh to raise funds against deforestation descended into violence during an extended version of Strip the Willow.

Following shock poverty figures in Glasgow pop diva Madonna has strongly denied claims she is to adopt a baby from Shettleston.

Tony Blair claims that Britain will not be allowed to become a nuclear waste dumping ground following the burial of Alexander Litvinenko in a North London cemetery.

Forensic scientists carrying out the post-mortem on poisoned Russian Spy Alexander Litvinenko have strongly denied finding traces of Scottish farmed salmon in his blood.

John Le Carré is to release a new spy novel called Tinker, Tailor, Sushi, Die.

Downing Street has acknowledged that half of New Labour have been recruited by the KGB. It is a new pressure group called Keep-out Gordon Brown.

The Western Isles Council has sanctioned the re-naming of a Stornoway street as a tribute to schoolgirl Molly Campbell. The street is to be called Misbah Rana Way.

Holyrood has passed a bill stating that all new Public toilets will have to be built using PPP.

The Pope has denied causing offence on his visit to Turkey by asking for a Madonna kebab for his lunch.

David Milliband and Peter Mandelson have been accused of interfering in the Misbah Rana controversy in what has become known as the Milly-Molly-Mandy affair.

March 2006 Political Gags

2006-10-09T04:32:00.000-07:00

A government report says education staff are not doing enough to stop under-age drinking in schools. Education Minister Peter Peacock claimed he was not just having a go at Teachers but also Bells, Famous Grouse and Johnnie Walker.

Prince Charles has quit his position as head of the Boys Brigade. He explained that, after his accession to the throne, he did not want to be known as the new BB King.

Shamed ‘70’s rock star Gary Glitter is to undergo treatment for a groin tumour. He will begin a course of Interferon in a Thai hospital next week.

Celtic manager Gordon Strachan was relieved to hear that Roy Keane will be available next season following a hip injury scare. The influential midfielder will visit specialists in Colorado to undergo an intense course of Keanotherapy.

The Executive has announced new toll charges for the Forth Road bridge. The first half of the crossing will be charged at £5 and the rest will be free. Motorists on the Edinburgh side are said to be pleased with the new fare while on the Fife side sales of swimming trunks have rocketed.

Friends and colleagues of Roads Minister Tavish Scott have wished him well as he goes into hospital this week for a by-pass operation.

LALA, the League Against Long-winded Acronyms, today submitted a letter of complaint to the TV Watchdog Authority. A LALA spokesman said this followed the recent transmission of an MTV AC/DC DVD on BBC3.

Chefs at the Koh-I-Noor Restaurant in Port Ellen, Islay have created a new dish to reflect Indian and Scots tastes. The dish is called Chicken Bhunahavain.

Accusations of nepotism in Glasgow City Council have resurfaced. The spokeswoman for Council Leader Steven Purcell, Mrs. Mary Purcell, said the allegations were outrageous.

Ex-Hibernian star Gary O’Connor refused to train with his new Lokomotiv Moscow team-mates when he overheard they would be training at the Russian capital’s Gorgie Park.

Following the success of Brokeback Mountain, Hollywood is to produce a film about a sex-change, lesbian lorry driver. The lead role will be played by Dick Van Dyke.

The controversy surrounding the new Aberdeen ring-road eased today with a proposal to have part of the road on the beach at sea level. The RAC said the idea made sense but in bad weather drivers would have to learn to dip their headlights.

Relief for parents of Goths after a study revealed that their lugubrious offspring go on to become valued members of society such as church ministers, lawyers and dentists. The Goths have responded by forming a band called The Jesus and Gravy Train.

Fears that bird flu has crossed over to wild fish stocks were confirmed yesterday when a fisherman witnessed a salmon leap 20 feet in the air and shit on the windscreens of 4 parked cars by the River Tay.

In a unique equal opportunities programme Scotland’s neds are being given the chance to join an élite squadron of the Royal Air Force. On completion of training they will be known as the riff-RAF.

Its official! The British Medical Association has released a report which confirms that laughter is, indeed, the best medicine. The BMA report entitled “ A New Pay Structure for GPs and Consultants” was released last week.

The Executive has announced plans to merge the Territorial Army with the Tartan Army in order to create a squad of part-time supporters.

Scientists have confirmed that it is possible to fertilize a woman’s egg by passing a small electric current across it. This evidence was presented in a court case today to describe a policewoman who gave birth to triplets after accidentally tazering herself while on duty.

Hollywood has released a joint soundtrack CD from the films Brokeback Mountain and Walk the Line. The CD is to be called The Ring of fire.

In a survey this week, Politicians were asked to reveal their favourite holiday destinations. Tommy Sheridan voted for a getaway in Guantanamo, George Galloway went for a fortnight in Fallujah and Alex Salmond for a B&B in Banff. Glasgow City Council leader Steven Purcell was unavailable for comment but released a statement on a postcard from Melbourne saying ‘wish you were here’.

New Rangers manager Paul Le Guen has vowed to create a team that reflects the French nation. He is going to play 11 strikers.

The dire financial state of Scottish football was highlighted this week when Dundee FC were involved in a deal for the world’s first FairTrade footballer. The chairman of Addis Abbaba Athletic said that they were delighted to have signed Tam McManus for a fee in the region of 10 banyan and jar of Ethiopian coffee.

Following the success of Brokeback Mountain Hollywood is to make a film about 2 lesbian cowboys called Jessie James and Buffalo Jill.

A new Government initiative has been announced to help people with depression integrate into society by using pubs to provide Prozac on draft. A Care in the Community spokesperson said the idea was sound but that the drug should only be served during the Happy Hour.

Sir Paul McCartney is to sue the Canadian Government after he was assaulted at a demonstration to prevent a seal cull in Newfoundland. In a statement McCartney said he was beaten by 3 fishermen with clubs after he sang ‘I am the Walrus’.

A major drinks company is set to sponsor an Animal Rights Group in a protest against the seal cull in Newfoundland. A spokesman for Canadian Club said they were delighted to support the initiative.

April 2006 Political Gags

2006-10-09T04:25:00.000-07:00

Arsène Wenger claims he will resist any interference in the Arsenal team selection from the club’s shirt sponsor O2. The mobile phone sponsor had insisted on a team formation of 1-1-8 in the first half and 1-1-8 in the second.

The Williamson family of Larkhall, who have been been visiting the same holiday Guest House for 25 years, have been given an award from the Mayor of Blackpool for being the most Loyal Orange Lodgers in the history of the town.

Cherie Blair claims she caused no offence to the Pope at their meeting last week when, mindful of recent Labour sex scandals, she refused to kiss his ring.

Following a weekend of violence in the West of Scotland the Executive will run a new advertising campaign to encourage civilian self-defence. The ad is to be called ‘You Can’t put a better bit of nutter on your Knife’.

A new satellite guidance system for cars with obese occupants has been released called the Tum Tum Fat-Nav.

Pope Benedict has announced controversial plans to promote the use of condoms. In a bid to appease conservative Catholics he will also change one of the ten commandments to read ‘Thou shalt not Pill’.

The Executive have been accused of over-reaction in the proposed junk food ban by telling schools to remove all Micro-Chips and Mega-Bytes from School computers.

In a bid to create a more fashionable uniform, the Army will now provide all new squaddies with Ben Sherman Tank Tops.

Transport minister Tavish Scott witnessed angry scenes this week following his decision on a new road plan for Aberdeen. Infuriated protestors were united in shouting that they would ‘never accept this Buchan By-Pass’.

A leaked document concerning the troubles in the Scottish Fingerprint Service has revealed evidence of a cover-up when one detective claimed he was encouraged to ‘lock up the evidence and throw away McKie’.

Following the ban, pubs are to distribute free Nicotine patches to help smokers quit the habit. A pub spokesman said that they were happy to be involved but that anyone abusing the system would be ejected if they became completely plastered.

Scientists have succeeded in creating the world’s smallest goat in the first ever application of nannytechnology.

Five Polish dentists have returned home following their failure to improve oral health in Fife. One of the dentists said that in all her professional life she had never seen such a disappointing state of cracked and rotten decay. A spokesman for Fife Council claimed, however, that improvements to Dunfermline town centre would take place as soon as possible.

The Executive have announced that hospital waiting times continue to fall. Health Minister Andy Kerr claimed that the waiting time to see a consultant for advice on abortion had now fallen to just 10 months.

Plans to reintroduce the wolf into Scotland were shelved yesterday when Hearts’ owner Vladimir Romanov announced they were 2 years too late.

Health chiefs are to issue a new emergency contraceptive pill designed for students who experience memory loss after binge-drink-sex. It is to be called the Morning-after-the-day-before-last-Thursday-or-maybe-it-was-Tuesday pill.

In a response to Sunday sailings in the Western Isles the Wee Free Church has commissioned the building of 4 new Roll-On-Bugger-Off ferries.

The Holyrood Roof Inquiry Committee was left in disarray this week when 5 of its members broke away, formed a splinter group and swung to the left.

There was chaos in the Lords this week during a debate about public toilet provision. Violence erupted when the Peers had extreme difficulty in passing a motion on the white paper following an all-night sitting.

The new chairman of the Student Loans Company, Greek business tycoon Stelios, says he has no plans to change the name of the company to Easy-Debt.

A contestant is to sue the producers of the TV makeover programme ‘Ten Years Younger’ after her employer told her she would now have to work until 75 to claim a full pension.

The CIA was accused this week of employing starvation and denial of water on torture flights from Scotland to Cuba. A CIA spokesman denied all knowledge of the flights and said it was more likely to be the new RyanAir service from Prestwick to Havana.

Following the smoking ban, the fireworks ban and the fox-hunting ban the Blair Government has announced its intention to go all out for the Taliban.

A motorist who changed his license plate to H5N1 FLU was charged this week for excess speeding. In court, the judge fined him £100, gave him 3 penalty points and ordered him to be kept indoors for 3-months as a precaution.

Tragedy at the Glasgow Art Fair this week when a 2-ton Sir Henry Moore sculpture toppled over and killed 3 visitors. A spokeswoman for the Fair passed on her condolences but said the accident was also a tremendous example of abstract compressionism.

Police have warned clubbers of the dangers of a new designer drug called FAB which is flooding into Scotland. The drug is normally cut into 2 pieces, ingested orally after chewing and taken with a warm, sugary drink. The Police have issued a FAB information leaflet called Folic Acid Bread – know the Score.

Scottish fingerprint experts were drafted in this week to help analyse 2 dead swan carcasses. Prints of the webbed feet were processed in order to determine the gender of the wild birds. In their preliminary report the SCRO said there was no doubt whatsoever that the prints belonged to Shirley McKie and that she should be isolated immediately and kept under 24-hour surveillance.

Following the news that Folic Acid is to be added to bread, the new designer drug of choice for ravers with the munchies is the Club Sandwich.

The new Special Operations Anti-Terrorism Unit has launched a hi-tech initiative to detect Al-Qaeda chatter and message passing on the Web. The initiative has been given the codename Operation Talibanter.

Scientists have admitted defeat in their quest to find a cure for the Winter Vomiting virus in hospitals. Instead, they have suggested that hospital managers install sun-lamps and palm trees while patients should wear beach towels, carry a stuffed donkey, sing Y Viva España and keep an emergency sombrero handy in order to fool the winter bug.

OK, constable, what have we got ?5 deid swans and 12 deid ducks, sir.Right, I’ll get on to the Chief Veterinary Officer, DEFRA and Ross Finnie.Nae need sir, look, ah found an empty Greggs bag, somebody’s been feeding them Steak Bakes.

During his visit to Glasgow this week Bill Clinton has praised the Executive in their efforts to contain bird flu. The ex-President also revealed a surprise interest in ornithology claiming his favourite birds as the red breast, the blue tit, the blackbird, any type of wren, the dipper, the deep-throated warbler, the peacock and his all-time favourite the un-spotted woodpecker.

Scottish Police are to follow the lead of their Australian colleagues and adopt the use of clairvoyants in murder investigations. However, the Edinburgh Police have declined to take part in the initiative as they flatly refuse to make any use of weegie boards.

The Tartan Army and the Salvation Army have announced a merger and will create a new periodical called The Christian Dailly.

Violence erupted at the Jockey Club this week following the news that their members are putting their health at risk with continual dieting. Brutal fighting broke out among the jockeys during the selection process for the mount of the Derby favourite Beef or Salmon.

Following the news of that church attendance in the Western Isles is in rapid decline the Stornoway branch of Tesco has announced an initiative to help called Buy One get Wee Free.

Surprises galore at the Iranian Film and Television Awards this week when the TV shows ‘Countdown’ and ‘Invasion’ failed to get a nomination while there were special gongs for the films ‘The Madness of King George’ and ‘The Blair Witchhunt Project’.

The Cash for Privileges scandal showed no sign of abating this week. A leaked document revealed that for £10 million you can get a seat in the Lords, for £20 million you can get a seat in the Cabinet and for £30 million you can get a seat in a surgery with an out-of-hours GP.

The White House was reeling this week when devastating evidence was presented to the UN which will allow Iran to go ahead with its nuclear ambitions. Iranian lawyers successfully argued that ‘If Homer Simpson can control a nuclear power plant then so can we’.

In a bid to stop the singing of controversial lyrics at Ibrox, Rangers fans will instead be asked to hum loudly their favourite tunes. A player’s spokesman backed the initiative and claimed that there was now ‘a real buzz about the place’.

Tom Cruise has vowed to eat his baby’s placenta with a stuffed-crust pizza and a 2-litre bottle of Pepsi after his wife insisted on having a home delivery.

New research suggests that spending an extra hour in bed could help weight loss as it eases food cravings. The Scottish Executive commented that the research was timely following a mass population weight gain of 5 million pounds when the clocks went forward two weeks ago.

Maureen Watt, SNP list MSP for NE Scotland, became first MSP to take an oath in Doric this week. Following her speech some MSPs were critical of her use of a translator. Both Rosie Kane and Colin Fox of the SSP claimed they have been forced make speeches throughout their entire political career without the use of a translator.

Actor Keifer Sutherland is set to star in a new British drama which has been described as a combination of Casualty and The Bill. The new programme is to be called NHS-24.

Actor Michael Douglas is set to receive an honorary degree of Laws from St. Andrews University. The University Chaplain said it was a well-deserved award and described Mr. Douglas as, ‘without doubt, a true Son of the Kirk’.

20% of people surveyed said they would like a 25p coin, 59% would like a £5 coin while 77% said they couldn’t give a toss.

Celtic have been given planning permission for a new training academy in the grounds of the old Lennox Castle Hospital. A Health spokesperson said it was nice to at last see some continuity planning for Care in the Community.

Dundee’s economy is said to be on the up after a multi-million pound investment in the city was announced this week. Fans of Dundee FC, however, were dejected to hear that main investment source was from an Arab millionaire.

Celtic have hit a snag in their planning application for a new training ground at Lennoxtown. The club will now consider alternative locations including Johnstone, Craigton, Clarkston, McNeilston, CumbernAuld, the Wallace monument, Provanmill, Bonnar Bridge and feed-the-Bearsden.

An Army radio announcer with a speech impediment was dismissed yesterday after attempting the line ‘…Cunning stunt to split the Shi-ites using the Turkish Kurds’.

In a tabloid serialisation the disgraced former Catholic Bishop for Argyll and the Isles, Roderick Wright, has spoken of his conversion to the Church of Scotland and his fight with alcohol and faith. The tabloid headline was ‘PRODDY RODDY in VODDIE BOTTLE BINGE’N’BIBLE BATTLE’.

John Prescott’s battle to lose weight is to be sponsored by The Communication Workers Union. They have offered to wire up his mouth, fix his broadband and put him on a high-fibre optic diet.

A Hawick doctor has criticised staffing levels in the NHS on his return from a year in Africa with the medical charity Doctors Without Borders. He has now decided to form a local pressure group to address the staffing issue called Borders Without Doctors.

Scots squaddies in Iraq have been amusing themselves by posting pictures of each other on a Hot or Not website. Al-Qaeda have retaliated by using the same images on their own website called Shot or Not.

A Glasgow woman is to sue the crematorium who mixed up her father’s ashes with someone else’s. Her legal team, Lawyers-Direct, have released a statement saying ‘Where there’s a flame, there’s a claim’.

Prince Harry has refused to dye his hair to make him less conspicuous in a war zone. The ginger Prince claimed that it should be possible for someone with his hair colour to be constantly under-fire in a foreign country, to be a hate figure and focal point for abuse and violence having seen how Neil Lennon had survived in Scotland.

John Prescott’s mystery lover has been revealed as David Blunkett.A Barra GP has defended his £300,000 a year salary by claiming it can be put down to his specialism in Oncology – he has been On-Call non stop for the last 3 years.

10 West Highland women are being sought for a new BBC series based on finding a lover in a small, rural environment. The program is to be called Desperate Crofters.

British Eurovision entrant, Daz Canpbell, has claimed to know lots of gangsters in Manchester and anyone crossing him will ‘end up with a horses head in their bed’. On hearing this Ruud van Nistlerooy immediately submitted a transfer request from Man. Utd.

A new on-line auction site from Yorkshire has been launched this week called eBay-Gum.

David Murray announced his engagement this week to 34 year old lawyer Kae Tinto. The pre-nuptial agreement was set up by Donald Findlay QC where Ms Tinto will have the right to half of Murray’s estate if she runs a nice house and keeps busy by being up to her knees in menial work.

August 2006 Political Gags

2006-10-09T04:16:00.000-07:00

Following his sex scandal trial Tommy Sheridan is now to face charges of embezzling SSP finances. He is accused of massaging the figures, fiddling with his ledger and leaving a deposit in an Isa and a Tessa.

Following increased sightings of whales and dolphins this year green MSPs have described Scotland’s polluted coastline as ‘not fit for porpoise’.

There was confusion in Scottish Politics this week when Reuters announced that 3 MSPs had a private meeting with the ailing Cuban leader Fidel Castro. A Havana spokesman cleared up the issue by revealing that the MSPs were, in fact, Welsh rockers the Manic Street Preachers.

World leaders have welcomed the deployment of an international peacekeeping force for the middle-east. Mid Calder residents say it will help enforce the buffer zone between them and Broxburn neds on a Saturday night.

Following the Tommy Sheridan sex scandal trial the SSP now plans to target swinging voters, gain maximum exposure and provide voter information on how to hold an election.

London’s annual oversized genitalia competition was forced to cancel this week following the announcement of another hosepipe ban.

In the High Court, a man arrested by police after stealing 1000 pairs of swimming trunks has admitted to being a convicted speedophile.

10 Firefighters who refused to distribute leaflets at a gay pride rally have described the leaflets as inappropriate as they contained advice about dangers of illegal arson, problems of backdraft when entering a hot tunnel and showed a graphic image of a fireman’s helmet

World 100m sprint champion Justin Gatlin has denied accusations of steroid doping, claiming that his shoes had been spiked prior to the race

Plans to disperse beggars on Aberdeen’s Union Street have led to accusations of hobophobia against city councillors.

Channel 4 is to release a new reality TV show set in a convent full of overweight nuns. The programme is to be called Big Sister.

Tony Blair aims to forget the controversy surrounding the transit of arms to Israel when he holidays on the Caribbean island of Grenada.

Rangers players are said to be delighted with new manager Paul le Guen’s strict food diet which includes Duck a l’orange , Lanark blue cheese and Dairy Walls ice cream.

Defence minister Des Browne has described reports that Britain is losing the war in Afghanistan as complete and utter Kabulshit.

Following the TV programme about fishing in the North Sea, Peterhead trawlermen have described the BBC’s need for subtitles as a ‘Piece of Buchan nonsense’.

After the night of the long knives, the SSP is to split and will now be known as the SS.

The German Government has announced a crackdown on rowdy Scots on Stag weekends by introducing a mandatory 2 week prison sentence in Berlinnie.

In order to combat an increase in staff abuse by angry customers TESCO has announced a new campaign called ‘Every Little Skelps’.

A new TV addiction centre has opened this week in the Channel Islands.

Ken Dodd is to present a TV programme following the lives of neds on a Scottish Island. The programme is to be called ‘Jura Wee Diddy Man’.

The Government provoked the ire of free-marketeers this week when it announced that all internet banking should be conducted through HSBC. A government spokesman clarified the issue by announcing that HSBC stood for high speed broadband connection.

Ex-Kojak star Telly Savalas has announced that he has officially retired from acting and will now take up a new career as a Lollipop man.

Professor Norman Gorman of the BMA described a new medical treatment this week for the wives of polygamists during the menopause. The treatment is to be called the Norman Gorman Mormon Hormone replacement therapy.

A man whose house collapsed under the weight of thousands of stolen historical books about Bodicea, Joan of Arc, Florence Nightingale and Margaret Thatcher was arrested this week for heroine addiction.

Traffic police have arrested fifteen drivers of a funeral cortège on the M8 after they were caught undertaking on the inside.

The leader of the SSP has issued desperate plea calling for ‘party unity for Fox sake’.

Fans who sing sectarian slogans at Ibrox are to be issued with a new type of ASBO which stands for ‘Anybody Singing BillyBoys is Out’

Following a gorse fire near the Scottish Parliament, Firefighters have layed the blame on a ’whole series of doubts lying around about Mike Watson’s future’.

A new range kitchen utensils designed specifically for athletes on the go was revealed at an Alf Tupperware party in Birmingham this week.

Doctors have revealed a new psychiatric condition to describe women who become aggressive and annoying after failed cosmetic surgery. They are to be known as Botoxymorons.

A new coffee and comedy club has opened in Liverpool this week called Jimmy Starbucks.

Trials took place in West Lothian this week for a new drug to cure baldness. The drug is to be called the Barnett formula.

Following the withdrawal of a bad batch of Viagra this week the pharmaceutical industry has announced that annual profits have shrivelled.

A new low-fat food cooker for health-conscious comedy-musicians has been released called the George Formby Grill.

A Scottish actor who starred in the Lord of the Rings was arrested at Ibrox last week when he introduced himself to the crowd by saying ‘Hello, hello, I am the Billy Boyd’.

Football fan Sir Sean Connery has revealed he will buy a season ticket for Villa park this year as he has always been a big fan of Aston Martins.

Celtic’s Neil Lennon put his defensive gaffe against Hearts down to the fact that he was completely Naka’d after the long flight from Japan.

Secret plans to pump water from Scotland to the South East of England were revealed when a Scottish Water report was leaked after one of their phones was tapped.

Worried farmers are concerned that an increase in impotency levels in male sheep will hit sales of rack of lamb due to the lack of ram.

A government think tank has announced plans to reduce unemployment by providing free semi-skilled Milk to job seekers

Eric Lampton, the new BNP MP for Tooting South, has agreed to join the Foreign Affairs Select Committee Immigration Study Team on realising that he would become a member of a FASCIST group.

A lonely hearts club for archaeologists has just been formed and is to be known as the Carbon Dating Agency.

An oriental chef has created a new dish that has been described as an East-West marriage. The dish is to be called the Thai Bridie.

A call-centre employee, sacked for criticising his company on-line, was said to be at bloggerheads with his employer.

Sheik Mohammed is to move from horse racing into pigeon racing following the success of his first bird called Abu Dhabi Doo.

The Pope has denied taking payments from the Poultry Association after revealing he eats a plate of Eggs Benedict each day for breakfast.

Dutch chiropodists have warned hill-walkers that excessive wearing of wooden shoes can lead to clogged arteries.

The BBC is to screen a new historical series about a promiscuous Roman princess who bedded over 200 centurions. The series is to be called I, Clamidia.

Following the news that The Sun has taken the lead in the tabloid sales war the editor of The Record has been asked to take a long, hard look in The Mirror.

Hovis has released a new type of bread which is said to promote youthful skin. The bread is called the peter pan loaf.

A survey of casual drug users has confirmed that smoking cannabis does lead to health problems. 80% of men asked said they had recently developed a pot belly and had problems with their joints.

A baby boom among protestants in Northern Ireland has been put down to free UVF treatment for couples on the NHS.

Hairdressers in Edinburgh have complained about a loss in custom following severe cuts to the fringe this year.

Vegetarian couples who have difficulty conceiving are now to be offered IVF treatment using free-range, organic eggs on the NHS.

The Catholic church has denied plans for a mass contraception programme by sponsoring all extra-virgin olive oil brands.

A taxi-driver has been arrested by police after he took an allergic reaction to the cannabis he was trafficking. Doctors said they had never seen such a bad case of Wacky Baccy Hackney Acne.

Paul le Guen says his communication skills continue to improve and he has taken on the same English language tutor who worked wonders with Stilian Petrov, Sebastian Rosenthal and Barry Ferguson.

The Government has urged all gardeners to mix a crushed Rennie in with their plant food in order to reduce the emission of greenhouse gases.

A Russian air hostess was praised for her quick thinking when she defused a bomb on an internal flight by slipping 2 tranquilisers into the drink of Fernando Ricksen.

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Thousands of satellite navigation systems were recalled this week when they all refused to give directions to Cumbernauld.

Bookies are refusing to take any more bets on the winner of this year’s Orange prize for fiction being UN resolution 1559 by ambassador John Bolton.

Illegal raves are making a comeback and middle-aged couples are taking advantage by mixing e-tablets and Viagra at their own flaccid house parties.

Celtic’s new signing Vennegoor of Hesselink is to be sponsored by the Indian restaurant the Koh-I-Noor of Castlemilk.

The Government has released guidance to describe 5 new terror level threats as mild, dangerous, severe, critical and Prescott.

Britain’s population surpassed the 60 million mark this week thanks mainly to a rapid increase in the number of born-again Christians.

Police fear that an armed gang is responsible for the spate of missing road signs around Haddington and are likely to melt the Aluminium down to make a gun that can fire in15 directions at any one time.

September 2006 Political Gags

2006-10-09T04:02:00.000-07:00

Archbishop Mario Conti has denied that his support for the fire fighters can be put down to his fear of the big bad burny fire.

Strathclyde Police have taken delivery of a new computer system to help train officers how to behave in a politically correct manner. The system is called the PC PC PC.

Esther Rantzen has teamed up with RyanAir to promote their new one-way flights designed to help children escape from third-world poverty and oppression. The first flight is scheduled from Stornoway to Lahore this week.

The postcode lottery for fertility treatment in Edinburgh took a new twist this week when an MSP asked why one of her constituents with the postcode EH3 IVF was successful and the other who lives at EN0 KID was not.

In a bid to increase accessibility the Church of Scotland this week broadcast their first live internet church service. The web address is http://www.cam-all-ye-faithful.com/ while the service can be viewed in the Western Isles on wee Free View.

Campaigners have warned again about the dangers of approaching wild animals after a ball boy panicked when he came within 10 metres of Andy Murray at the US Open this week.

Glasgow Council leader Steven Purcell claims that the new super casino will create 2500 new jobs for the city, with the breakdown being 100 croupiers, 100 cleaners and 2300 loan sharks.

Scottish Vodka distillers are worried that new European legislation requiring vodka to be made solely from potatoes or grain will lead to a severe cut in production. A spokesperson for the distillers, Chloe Burns, aged 8 of Burdiehouse, Edinburgh said it was a disgrace and would lead to shortages in primary schools.

A survey has revealed that Scots kids are the laziest in the UK. 20% questioned said they enjoyed taking part in sports while the other 80% said they couldn’t be arsed replying to the questions and wanted to get back to their playstations.

Defence Minister Des Browne has described reports of faulty weapons in the armed forces in Afghanistan as a 'cheap shot' and 'bang out of order'.

Al-Qaeda cells are now coming out of the closet according to intelligence reports from MFI5.

The bitter in-fighting between No.10 and No.11 continued this week although James McFadden insisted he will take the penalties before Kris Boyd.

Police believe the severed arm of a woman found on the M8 occurred when she was pulled over suddenly on the hard shoulder.

A policewoman dressed as a prostitute has helped trap a gang of sex traffickers who used a fishing boat as cover. A spokeswoman said the gang took the bait sink, line and hooker.

Film stars looking for religious succour are abandoning scientology for a new form of TV evangelism known as Richard and Judaism.

In a bid to promote religious tolerance a Rangers-supporting muslim couple have named their first-born son Halally McCoist.

Authorities in Moscow have decided not to jail Madonna following her concert crucifixion scene but will instead hand her a suspended sentence.

The Pope has further outraged Islam in a speech by comparing it to a light entertainment show when he said “How do you solve a problem like Sharia?”.

Claire Short has resigned from New Labour in order to search for a new boyfriend and will dedicate her time to promoting the benefits of a well-hung parliament.

After an accident involving a downed Apache helicopter the US Air Force has blamed the maintenance crew describing them as a complete bunch of cowboys.

Police at Glasgow Airport are to target drinkers prior to boarding their flights using a new group of ruthless, zero-tolerance officers to be known as The Swallyban.

Following recent organ retention scandals in the NHS Doctors now say they are winning the battle for hearts and minds.

George Bush denies simplifying the troubles in Lebanon when he described the situation as Islamabaddies versus goodyJewshoes.

A new star sign has been created for people born on the cusp of Aires and Pisces. The symbol is a drawing of two cheeks and the sign will be known as Airsces.

Women can now order a vibrating sex toy on line using the new internet search engine called Shoogle.

MI5 has foiled a plan to merge Al-Qaeda and the IRA following Operation JihadiPaddy.

George Bush has been accused by the Arab world of seeing the problems in the middle-east through rose-tinted synagoggles.

World leaders were delighted at the announcement of the merger of Fatah and Hamas in Palestine to form a new heavyweight party called Hamafatahs.

Amnesty has accused Israel of deliberately attacking the only Lebanese naturist resort using scud missiles in the buffer zone.

David Cameron has defended the new Tory logo of a tree and, in order to appease old Tories, he has also promised to bring back the birch.

Scientists testing a new cure for acne on mice say that the rodents showed signs of severe depression when they refused to budge from a showing of River City.

Gangland’s Paul Ferris will not make any profit from a poem he penned for his murdered friends after Justice Minister Cathy Jamieson said that Rhyme Doesn’t Pay.

Crash investigators say the likely cause of Richard Hammond’s high-speed accident was that he slipped off of his booster seat at 300 mph.

After the football bung scandal the world of tennis is in shock following the news that police have smashed a network of backhanders and racketeering. Players found guilty will serve 20 years with no breaks in the grand slammer.

Richard Branson has announced all of his company profits will go into research for new aviation bio-fuels. In the meantime his planes will use only extra-Virgin olive oil.